Beautifully Human

Lucy I'm Home!

2009-01-14T19:54:00.001-05:00

I can't believe I haven't written anything in over three years. Blogging was always a vehicle for me to de-stress, get my thoughts and views out there, and to have fun. It became a chore when it started to be less about writing and more about whose page I visited and commented on. So I stopped. I haven't even looked at this site in three years. Not once. My words, my thoughts, my poetry, my feelings good and bad, have been sitting here stagnant. Before I wrote this I reread every post I ever wrote. I relived a lot of the things that I had forgotten about. That’s the thing about writing about your life; it forever preserves the past so in the future you can reminisce. For instance, I had forgotten a lot of what happened between my son’s father and me. That happened so long ago it seems light years away. So much has changed that I don’t even know where to begin. This really isn’t the catch up post though. I’ll write that later.

I can't say I will start to write regularly again. What I do know is it feels good to sit here and write this post. It feels good to be writing again period. Writing has always been my outlet, my cathartic exercise. I've always loved it because it kept me sane. It's funny because before I wrote this post I checked some of the pages of people I regularly corresponded with and everyone seems to have abandoned writing regularly. I think this whole blogging thing got to be a popularity contest. Not that I didn’t love it when people read my blog and commented because I did; I just didn’t want it to be all about that. If no one reads what you write does that make it less relevant? Less real? I don’t know the answer to that one. Let me know if you do (that was a joke… did you get it?). The thing of it is, I love to read what other people are writing about. Call it voyeuristic but I love having a window into people’s lives; especially if they are going through anything remotely similar to what I am experiencing. It makes me feel better like I’m not the only idiot out there fumbling through life.

retrospect

2005-11-07T10:52:00.000-05:00

i was thinking about you last night
reveling in season and color

winter brought you into my life
cold and brutal
blindingly white like first snowfall
we sipped hot chocolate and played like children
then like adults
i remember your fire then

spring thaw and birds in flight
flowers waking from their slumber
a kaleidoscope of purity
rain soaked moss
gave the air an earthy smell
love was pink and sweet
and we were vibrating with the newness
i remember your fire then

summer heat and blackouts
brought fierceness to our sex
made us sweat out our anger
until it dripped and pooled
we woke with the sun
and died with the moon
mosquito bitten frustration and lightning bug arguments
humidity swollen doors that wouldn't slam
i remember your fire then

not even three hundred and sixty five days could satisfy us
our love couldn't contain us
so we settled for less
autumn was the end
red and yellow leaves
swirled about us
as the bottom fell out
the air smelled of
allspice and wood burning
our last kiss tasted like
goodbye
i remember your fire then

i was thinking about you last night
reveling in seasons and color
autumn was the end

Friday Randomness

2005-11-04T14:08:00.000-05:00

~the new girl is loud. so loud that when i'm on the phone my clients say "who is that in the background", she's also unprofessional, and black, which bothers me because her mess reflects on me too.
~i had a chicken ceaser salad from boston market today and it was so good, i contemplated going back to get another one for dinner.
~i have a little tiny crush on the man who delivers the water to our office. he looks like kenny from soul food (series, not movie)
~speaking of which are they ever going to release season 2 on dvd. it's been like two years since season one came out
~im addicted to tv on dvd. i love it. i have all of sex and the city, seinfeld, cosby show, golden girls, the l word, curb your enthusiasm, good times, and dawsons creek
~my sister laughs at me cause because i watch "white shows"
~which is so close minded, i like tv period.
~im so glad it's friday. i have to take my son to get a haircut, which i dread cause he always cries and squirms
~i need to get my eyebrows waxed before i have a unibrow
~my waxer was on vacation and i never let anyone touch them but him
~i had a bad experience with waxing before. to painful to even go into...
~i had myself convinced i was going to win the last powerball.
~i haven't had sex in about two months and i'm not sure how far off the next time is. that's just unnatural.
~as i'm writing this, i'm sipping on french vanilla carmel coffee
~i can't wait to get home. my feet are killing me.
~my son is such an angeldemon. he can be so sweet one minute, then the next he's smearing vaseline all over the place.
~i held my friends baby the other day and i think my uterus did a flip. i want another baby so bad. i miss that baby smell, and little clothes, and breastfeeding. ugh.
~i want floetry's new cd. i heard it's amazing. which doesn't surprise me.
~i've emptied out my head. everyone have a good weekend!

Fix You

2005-11-01T17:00:00.000-05:00

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
~coldplay

After countless fights and reconciliations, after giving birth to his 7lb 3 oz namesake, after being fucked both mind and body, a million dark nights and early mornings on greyhound, grocery shopping, financially struggling, two new apartments, dinners, falling in love with his mom and pops, warmdaddys, tgi fridays, salty tears, sesame place, movies, holidays, flowers delivered both to and fro, after almost three years of constantly changing emotions... it's over.

I am emotionally drained and subsequently pissed off. I feel like the last two+ years of my life have been a waste. A waste of time and effort. It's hard to write in such harsh terms about something that was once so beautiful. It's hard to let go of something that was once your sole source of happiness. Maybe it's so hard now because it's real this time. I've written about the demise of our relationship several times before. Times when we said it was over but I knew in my heart of hearts it wasn't. This time is different. There was just a shift... so small it was almost imperceptible. But I felt it as if it were a 7.3 on the Richter scale. All of a sudden my mind and my heart were working in unison. They both said enough is enough. Where they had previously worked against each other they were now singular in their purpose to end what should have ended eons ago. To shed light on the fact that what once was is never more.

This is the man who loved me when I was scared to be loved. When I wasn't sure how to accept the gift that it is. He shifted my focus and unwound the thread of my excuses. This man knelt by my bedside when I was so sick it hurt to even open my eyelids. This man gave me a son, so integral to my survival that if something were to ever happen to him my heart would surely stop beating. This man fought for me when I didn't even know I was worth fighting for. He hovered over me during our lovemaking and said, "you are so fucking beautiful", and said it with such sincerity that in that moment I was so fucking beautiful. This man who is my best friend in the world and always represented what was good and right, now represents so much that I want to forget. It's over. Gone like it was never really there. Maybe there is more truth in those last six words then the thousand others we've spoken.

I'm burning up with the knowledge that this is the end and the beginning. It's so daunting to me right now; the challenge of raising a child together with the state of "us" so irrevocably damaged. Our baby needs us both but it's so hard for me to even look at him right now. But I'm livid. I can feel the anger and pain licking at me like flames from the fire. I want to hurt him like I hurt. I want to wipe that sarcasm from his lips and make him choke on it. I want to strip him of that cold persona borne from past hurts and betrayals, so that he stands before me naked and vulnerable. But I also want to love him and care for him like I always have. I want to suck the pain and frustration from him like snake poison. I want to make him smile and laugh and present all his needs and wants to him on a silver platter. I want to not feel this dichotomy. The doubleness of it all is killing me.

I fought so long and hard for this relationship. The reasons have shifted over time but there was always the thought that we were meant to be, fueling my desire to be with him. After I had my son that desire grew stronger. I didn't want to be a single mother. I didn't want to be another statistic or for my son to be from a broken home. How cliche and mediocre, another little brown boy being raised in a single parent home. So beneath our potential. I was so hell-bent on giving my son two parents who loved each other living under the same roof that I only saw what I wanted to see. The fact is, when you really get down to it he isn't who I thought he was. To be honest I wasn't who he wanted me to be. I'm not one of those silly women who thought they could change a man. I simply did not see all the things that would need to change about both of us in order for us to work. I didn't think, I just felt my way thru it.

So now I have to let go of the man I thought was the love of my life. I have to let go of my expectations and open myself up to the possibility of someone new. I never wanted to be the chick with baggage. The one who let her past relationships encumber her in her future ones. I know you have to give yourself over to love. Submit to it even. You have to try to love someone like you've never been hurt before or love will make a fool out of you and your half-assed attempt. So I know I have to say goodbye and let it go. I know it will be hard and I know it will hurt. Maybe one day we'll both be in a place in our lives that we can come together and make it work. Maybe not. I do know I will always love him and be there for him. I want him to have the best that life has to offer. I know he feels the same.

And high up above or down below,
When you're too in love to let it go.
If you never try you'll never know,
Just what you're worth.

Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones.
And I will try,
to Fix you.

The Tipping Point

2005-09-28T11:49:00.000-05:00

"It takes only the smallest of changes to shatter an epidemic's equilibrium"
- Malcolm Gladwell

I feel like Lawrence Fishburn at the end of School Daze running around screaming WAKE UP!!! Does anyone see what’s going on? The Senate Judiciary Committee has approved John Robert's nomination as the new Supreme Court chief justice. His confirmation by the Senate is all but guaranteed. Bush still has one more appointment to the Supreme Court. These nominations will shift the court as far right as possible. Supreme Court appointments are for life. This means that long after Bush is out of office, his views, his policies, his ideals and beliefs will live on. Bush is anti-abortion, anti-gay marriage, anti-lower class, pro-wealthy, pro-business. He may not ever say it but come on we know he is. That “ preserving the culture of life” shit is just his way of saying preserving his way of life. Our civil liberties are being trampled upon.

A new law called the Bankruptcy Abuse Prevention & Consumer Protection Act of 2005 will go into effect in the middle of October that basically prevents most people from filing Chapter 7 bankruptcy. The credit cards companies have been the biggest supporter of this law, yet they keep marketing high interest cards to low-income families. 65% of all bankruptcies stem from unpaid medical bills. A lot of those medical bills come from people who don’t have health insurance. What are you supposed to do? Not go to the doctor or hospital when you’re sick? The government claims the bill will catch wealthy people who file bankruptcy when they can pay their debts, but in doing so they’ve ensnared middle – lower class families who see bankruptcy as their only way out.

This storm was a glaring reminder of the class division in this country. During his September15 speech to the nation, President Bush asserted that poverty in America is mostly restricted to the nation's Southern states. WTF? Those of us out there struggling in New York and Philly, Detroit and Los Angeles, Midwest and Northeast were really surprised to hear that. New Orleans wasn’t an exception to the rule it is the rule. It is a microcosm. For the first time on record household incomes failed to rise for five consecutive years, yet Bush has ruled out repealing any of his tax cuts for the wealthy. Minimum wage has been stuck at $5.15 an hour since 1997 and he’s been making cuts to programs that would help the poor. This administration has constantly focused on making sure the rich stay rich and not giving a thought to the poor getting poorer. If things keep going at this rate there will no longer be a middle class. So many of the programs put in place to help the poor like the Earned Income Tax Credit and Medicaid have suffered under this administration.

“The Republican Congress largely abandoned three decades of bipartisan support for the Earned Income Tax Credit, alleging that the program was rife with fraud. Congress turned back efforts to raise the minimum wage. Cash-strapped state governments slashed their support of Medicaid. In essence, the rich got tax cuts, the poor got cuts in support.”

Before this hurricane the Bush Administration was all set to make sweeping changes and cuts to the federally funded Medicaid program, now there trying to say it’s because of the hurricane. $35 billion in spending was slated to be cut from Medicaid, food stamps, childcare, school training, and other such programs, but they want to extend $70 billion in tax cuts that will only benefit the wealthiest Americans.

The President is now telling us to conserve fuel. Don’t take a trip if you don’t need to. But he just took his seventh trip down to the Gulf. How much fuel is he using each time he departs and returns? He says he needs to be in the region to assess the damage… bullshit. Everything is under water. Damage assessed. See how easy I did that? He just needs photo ops because he knows his polls are slipping. Much like the post 9/11 Gulliani, we’ve been bombarded with images of him, sleeves rolled up, in the trenches.

Now everyone wants to make Michael Brown accountable for all the mistakes made in the aftermath of Katrina. In some ways he is at fault, but he’s just a small fish in a very big pond. The Bush administration chose to fold FEMA into the Department of Homeland Security instead of letting it stand alone as it did during the Clinton administration. The Bush administration chose to siphon money from FEMA’s budget and spend that money on the war in Iraq. The President chose to appoint Michael Brown as the head of FEMA even though he was rather inexperienced for the job. Now they want to crucify him for that inexperience. The President should be blamed just like I blame the people who elected him for a second term.

The theory of memetics tells us that ideas, practices, and messages spread just as viruses do. We need to be a little more aware of what is being spread. We need to stop taking media images and sound bytes as the whole story and dig a little deeper. We need to wake up. We are living in perilous times. The United States is not immune to the things that plague other countries. If anything we are more susceptible then ever. The tipping point is the culmination of a build-up of small changes that effects a big change. That means any one of at any given time has the opportunity to do something. We need to wake up.

Life is for the living

2005-09-13T09:08:00.000-05:00

I feel stagnant, listless, restless. Like the very air I breathe is holding me down. I dreamed of a life so different from this. I’m living below my potential. It irks me down to my very core not to have accomplished all I dreamed of. I’m on the brink of turning 30 and when I look back on what I’ve done thus far it makes me cringe. I feel like a dormant volcano, heat flowing just beneath the surface, paused to erupt. Some intangible force is keeping me still. Complacency has seeped into my very being and taken up residence. I used to dream of a life so different from this. It seems as if that dream is 10 years and 10 thousand miles behind me now. I put off so many today’s for tomorrows not promised. I waited for signs and signals to move forward instead of blazing a trail. I’m smarter than the average bear, not to shabby to look at, witty, funny… so what has held me back? I realized it’s the fear of failure.

I was taught at a very early age to be afraid. Physical and mental abuse served as instruments to propagate that fear. My father was a mean man, very exacting and strict. He was harder on me for some reason then my brother. I don’t know if it was because I was a female or because I was older but I got the brunt of his anger. If the ice cube trays weren’t filled to the top or there was one dirty fork left in the sink he struck first and asked questions later. I tried to learn the rules of engagement but they were always changing. Anytime things in the house were quiet and I could breathe a sigh of relief, something would set him off and it would start all over again. I learned early on to always be alert to his moods and to always be prepared for anything. By the time I was 12 I had an ulcer. By the time I was 14 I was so depressed I thought about suicide almost daily. I was taught that I was less than, that my ideas and thoughts weren’t as important. I was an extension of my father, never to be mistaken for a whole person or an individual. I was a possession. My wings were clipped, and escape, in the form of my 18th birthday was a long way off. While I served my sentence I was degraded and belittled and there wasn’t much I could do about it. But what is my excuse now? By living this life I honor the man who wielded his power over me so irresponsibly. By living a half-life I give him validation. By believing the bad I was taught, I am ignoring the good that I believe. So why do I continue to live like a prisoner now that I am free? I mean I survived. I never thought I would but I did. I left December 13, 1993. The day after my 18th birthday and I haven’t been back since. I’ve never asked him for anything. Everything I have is a result of my blood, sweat, and tears. So why do I still feel like that broken bird?

I feel so desperate right now. As I write this, my heart is beating a mile a minute and I’m shaking. I feel like I’m scratching and clawing my way out of this state of mind. The urgency of it all is intoxicating and scary at the same time. I feel like I need to purge the details from my soul in order to survive another minute. I know that I am standing on the precipice of change. Instead of waiting for a sign I’m going to step out on faith. Faith that God has my back. Faith that my talents won’t go to waste. Faith that I will reap the benefits of being a good person. Faith that the universe will give back to this orphan and I will be pulled into the fold.

I think in living where I do, I’ve exchanged one prison for another. This city now serves as my subjugator. There is no culture or life; it’s dead with monotony. I see the same faces and places of my youth. They symbolize so many tears and so much unhappiness. This city and those memories are my nemesis. I want to go to a jazz club at midnight and let the music flow thru my soul. I want to hear spoken word at some hole in the wall, where the smoke is thick, and the words are blessed. I want to grow dreadlocks and dye them blond and not feel ostracized. I want to feel the vibrations of concrete during rush hour. I want to live in a city that speaks to me, one that has a story and a pulse. I want to get lost in a sea of beautiful black people all with purpose and goals, rhythm and rhyme. I want to stand in the shadow of a skyscraper and live in 3-D. This place is one-dimensional. I want.

I need to dream again. Giant dreams full of color and sound. Dreams that have me waking up sweaty and wet from the excitement of them. I want to taste my dreams and deem them delicious and worthy. I want to shed this fake demeanor and be a bitch if I want to. I want to say “no” and not worry about who it hurts. Why is no such a hard word for me? I have an extensive vocabulary, and a dictionary/thesaurus for what I don’t know, but the word no eludes me. Why should I sit in silence so others won’t be hurt? Why can’t we all be ok? I want to stand up for what I want for my son and myself. I am his mother, period. I will no longer defer to anyone when it comes to him. There is no more time for me to dwell on the past. I’ve wasted so much already. I have to start living the life I was meant to live. Unlike revenge, dreams are not best served cold. They need warmth and nurturing. You have to tend to them every minute or they will die and you will die a little with them. I will not die with my dreams. I will not rest my head on them and slumber. I will not be languid in the pursuit of them. They will not feel stiff and foreign to me. Life is for the living.

Angry

2005-09-08T10:20:00.000-05:00

"The responsibility of government for the public safety is absolute and requires no mandate. It is in fact, the prime object for which governments come into existence."
-Winston Churchill

At a news briefing on Saturday afternoon, Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff said "Louisiana is a city that is largely underwater...” Uhhh last time I checked Louisiana was a state not a city. Right off the rip Alfred E. Neuman and his bunch of merry idiots were at it again. Bush says things like “we are not satisfied”, or “no one could have foreseen”, who the fuck is “we”? Once again he doesn’t take responsibility for his administration. No one could have foreseen? I mean you take a below-sea-level city, mix in a levee that was repeatedly checked and repeatedly reported as insufficient, add one bad bitch of a hurricane and you have a city that is now 80% submersed. Your whole premise for why you should be re-elected was protecting the country. Did you mean only from terrorists? And what message does this disaster send to terrorists? How can we send a message of “bring it on”, we’re prepared for whatever you throw at us, when you couldn’t even save your own people from this? Of the billions of dollars being spent daily in Iraq, not even one third of that would have been needed to improve that levee and make sure this didn’t happen. Instead of spending $454 million on bridges for Alaska, that levee should have been improved, instead of spending $193 million in Iraq, that levee should have been improved, instead of spending $500 million on the Department of Defense, that levee should have been improved. But it wasn’t. This administration promised us protection on all levels from all threats. It said the other side couldn’t do it. The Vice President said (and by the way, where the hell is he? Has anyone seen him or heard from him?) I’ll protect you, while the other guy will let you die. Well he didn’t and they didn’t and they should pay.

Everyone wants to make this about Black and White, maybe it is but I don’t think so. I think it’s just sheer ignorance and incompetence on the part of our government. I think that Bush is no more competent to run this country then my son is. But he is the President. He was voted into office and he is accountable. Period. There is no we or they or them. He should be saying “I” and “Me”. Stop shifting the blame, take responsibility for once, and do something. Pull some resources from the war and use them for your own country. If he didn’t deserve to be impeached for lying to us about the war, then he damn sure does now. Where’s Kenn Starr when we need him? Bush says the response was unacceptable and he wants an investigation. How do you investigate yourself? Let us all guess how this investigation will turn out.

Kanye West… grow the hell up. There is a time and place for everything and that wasn’t it. That was more about you than anything. Maybe George Bush doesn’t care about Black people. I think a more accurate statement is that he doesn’t care about poor people. But that’s been evident since he stepped into office. This is not a black or white thing. I saw white babies on the news suffering too. I saw white elderly people sweating and starving and dying in the sun too. It’s so easy to blame race when something like this happens. It’s the easy way out. But it goes much, much deeper than that. This was a failure of government on all levels. This is the result of a government with a singular focus. They have focused on one thing and one thing only. Terrorism. I want to say to our government, while you have your blinders on this country is suffering. While you send our troops to the slaughter, this country is suffering. While you spend dollar after dollar, waste resource after resource, cut budgets and programs, this country is suffering. Now you want us to believe this disaster was unforeseen. Bullshit. It was inevitable. You knew exactly what needed to be done to protect the citizens of New Orleans from a disaster like Katrina, yet federal funding for Louisiana flood control projects were diverted to pay for the war in Iraq. You cut funding when New Orleans was sinking. You cut funding even after it was reported that one major hurricane like Katrina could wipe the city out and kill thousands. You knew when you gave the Army Corps of Engineers $3.9 million, that they needed $20 million to finish the Lake Pontchartrain and Vicinity Hurricane Protection project. You knew the levees needed building up and the pumping stations needed protection and you turned your back.

On June 8, 2004, Walter Maestri, emergency management chief for Jefferson Parish, Louisiana, told the Times-Picayune: "It appears that the money has been moved in the president's budget to handle homeland security and the war in Iraq, and I suppose that's the price we pay. Nobody locally is happy that the levees can't be finished, and we are doing everything we can to make the case that this is a security issue for us."

That June, with the 2004 hurricane season starting, the Corps' Naomi went before a local agency, the East Jefferson Levee Authority, and essentially begged for $2 million for urgent work that Washington was now unable to pay for. From the June 18, 2004 Times-Picayune:

"The system is in great shape, but the levees are sinking. Everything is sinking, and if we don't get the money fast enough to raise them, then we can't stay ahead of the settlement," he said.

"The problem that we have isn't that the levee is low, but that the federal funds have dried up so that we can't raise them."

The 2004 hurricane season was the worst in decades. In spite of that, the federal government came back this spring with the steepest reduction in hurricane- and flood-control funding for New Orleans in history. Because of the proposed cuts, the Corps office there imposed a hiring freeze. Officials said that money targeted for the SELA project -- $10.4 million, down from $36.5 million -- was not enough to start any new jobs. According to New Orleans City Business this

June 5:
The district has identified $35 million in projects to build and improve levees, floodwalls and pumping stations in St. Bernard, Orleans, Jefferson and St. Charles parishes. Those projects are included in a Corps line item called Lake Pontchartrain, where funding is scheduled to be cut from $5.7 million this year to $2.9 million in 2006. Naomi said it's enough to pay salaries but little else.

"We'll do some design work. We'll design the contracts and get them ready to go if we get the money. But we don't have the money to put the work in the field, and that's the problem," Naomi said.

There was, at the same time, a growing recognition that more research was needed to see what New Orleans must do to protect itself from a Category 4 or 5 hurricane. But once again, the money was not there. As the Times-Picayune reported last Sept. 22:

That second study would take about four years to complete and would cost about $4 million, said Army Corps of Engineers project manager Al Naomi. About $300,000 in federal money was proposed for the 2005 fiscal-year budget, and the state had agreed to match that amount.
But the cost of the Iraq war forced the Bush administration to order the New Orleans district office not to begin any new studies, and the 2005 budget no longer includes the needed money, he said.

The Senate was seeking to restore some of the SELA funding cuts for 2006. But now it's too late. One project that a contractor had been racing to finish this summer was a bridge and levee job right at the 17th Street Canal, site of the main breach on Monday.

I’m angry that once again our President failed us. I’m angry that innocent lives were lost. I’m angry that citizens of the United States of America were forced to beg and grovel for food and water from the very government that swore to protect them. I’m angry that once again the President chooses to hide behind lies and deception instead of taking responsibility. I’m angry that this will happen again. There are more vulnerable cities out there. Vulnerable to hurricanes and earthquakes, volcanoes and tropical storms, and as long as money is being wasted in Iraq then funding will be cut here.

The President told us we needed this war. We needed to spend what we had to spend, send who we had to send to protect our country. To save American Lives. There are dead babies in New Orleans Mr. President. Who protected them?

Hip-Hop

2005-08-17T09:02:00.000-05:00

I read a post on this blog (sorry cant remember which one) that made me think about real hip-hop. Hip-hop that made you think. Rewind the tape back hip-hop. Made you memorize it like your life depended on it hip-hop. How did hip-hop evolve into the bullshit you hear on the radio today? How did it become commercialized and trivialized? When did hip-hop assimilate? The state of music today depresses me. So this is kind of my ode to hip-hop… maybe if I put it out there in the universe the suffering (50 cent, crunk music, lil john, ja rule, cash money, etc…) that has been the past decade will end.

Some of my favorite hip-hop songs/records

1.Rappers Delight – Sugar Hill Gang. This was the song that bought hip-hop to the masses. Before that it was mostly underground. The focus was more so on DJs & break dancers not MCs.
2.The Breaks – Kurtis Blow. He was the first hip-hop MC to perform on TV. He performed The Breaks on Soul Train.
3.White Lines – Grand Master Flash & Melle Mel. Anti-cocaine public service announcement. I love this song. The beat is crazy.
4.Roxanne, Roxanne – UTFO. Roxanne Shante came out with a response record to this called “Roxannes Revenge”, I thought it was kind of wack but it got good air play.
5.The Show/La Di Da Di – Doug E. Fresh & the Get Fresh Crew - no explanation needed. Released in 1985 it still gets mad love 20 years later.
6.Paid in Full – Eric B. & Rakim – Eric B was always a good lyricist. It seemed like every album he dropped just got better and better. He kind of fell off on some of his last ones though.
7.You Gots to Chill – EPMD. You couldnt go to a party in 88 without hearing this song.
8.By All Means Neccesary/Stop the Violence – Boogie Down Productions. The whole album was fly but the stand out song was Stop the Violence. It was the first hip-hop collaboration (that I can think of) song of this magnitude. “Heavys at the door so therell be no bum rushing.”
9.The Bridge is Over - Boogie Down Productions. One of my favorite songs of all times. KRS One is one of the dopest lyricist ever. The Juice Crew song “The Bridge” was a battle son in answer to BDPs song. (actually I cant remember which one came out first). Honorable mention to “Criminal Minded”.
10.Radio/I Need Love – LL Cool J. Yes the ladies loved LL. I still do. His fineness just grows and grows. But lyrically I think this is his best album. I Need Love is just one of the classics hes put out over the years.
11.All Hail the Queen – Queen Latifah. The one and only. She was the first female rapper that I really paid attention too. I could play that record from beginning to end without skipping any songs. I loved it that much. My favorite was Ladies First.
12.Hot, Cool & Vicious - Salt-N-Peppa. This album was pretty commercial but commercial wasnt anywhere near as bad as it is now. Push it & Tramp were party tracks that got a lot of airplay.
13.2Hype – Kid N Play. I must admit I had a crush on Kid. I guess it was the hair. A lot of people dont like their music but if you listen to the lyrics they werent too bad. Rollin with Kid N Play was the song and I know we all have House Party in the collection.
14.Licensed to Ill – Beastie Boys. Paul Revere… enough said!
15.King of Rock – Run D.M.C. This wasnt their first album but for some reason I wasnt really feeling them until this second album. King of Rock was the joint.
16.Living Large – Heavy D & The Boyz. I dont care what anyone says… I loved this record. I had the biggest crush on Heavy D. I used to cut pictures of him out of magazines and paste them on my wall.
17.Midnight Marauders/Bonita Applebum – Tribe Called Quest. Before Midnight Marauders came out the only song I like of theirs was Bonita Applebum. When that album came out I fell in love with Tribe. They recorded a song with The Jungle Brothers called “Buddy” that has to be in the top five of my favorite songs.
18.For the People – Boot Camp Clik. If I had to name a favorite song by them, I couldnt. All of their songs were lyrically superior to so many things that were out at the time. I do love How Many Emcees though. Honorable mention to Black Moon, Ras Kass, Group Home etc…
19.Daddys Little Girl – Nikki D. Ok this is a stretch but I just loved that song and the record was pretty nice too.
20.Brendas Got a Baby – Tupac. Before all the drama.
21.Sally – Stetsasonic. The song didnt make to much sense but I loved the beat.
22.One For All – Brand Nubian. I loved this record. I played it just about everyday.
23.Ready to Die/Gimme The Loot – Notorious BIG. Bigs rhyme style is like no other. It took me a minute to figure out it was him doing both voices on Gimme The Loot. I had never heard anything like it.
24.It Aint Hard to Tell - Nas. My favorite Nas song.
25.One Day Itll All Make Sense/I Used to Love H.E.R. – Common.
26.Black on Both Sides – Mos Def. One of my favorite artists of all times. Ms Fat Booty is such a sexy song. I love New World Water too.
27.Love, Peace & Napiness – Lost Boyz. Ive always loved this group. My favorite songs are Music Makes Me High and Renee.

Thats just a few. I could go on and on, but I wont cause this post is long enough. Happy Hump Day!

I still don't know what's going on with this template. I may have to change it again.

just catching up

2005-08-16T08:55:00.000-05:00

Not too much has been going on lately. I’ve been preparing to go back to school trying to get my money right. Why is financial aid such an issue? It was in issue when I went in as a freshman and it’s an issue now that I’m working on my Masters. It’s driving me crazy. But the refund check makes up for it doesn’t it? I love a good refund check. I’m going to make sure this isn’t an issue for my son. I’m saving now and investing for him for college. I would like to have at least $80,000 saved by the time he’s ready to go to college. It may not pay for everything, but at least he won’t be in so much debt when he graduates. I think something really needs to be done about the cost of higher education. Your reward for going to school is $400 student loan payments every month. It’s ridiculous.

Things with Benjamin and I are going pretty smoothly. Not too many bumps. I’m actually surprised. I think I was a little afraid to take him seriously when he sent me that poem. I had reservations about his sudden change of heart. I was thinking that maybe the reason he wanted me back was because someone else wanted me. Sometimes men have that ‘I don’t want you, but I don’t want anyone else to have you’, mentality. Which is selfish if you ask me. I was also wondering if it was about sex. I wasn’t giving it up like I normally do. I knew he would never buy the cow if I kept giving up free milk. Occasionally I would slip though. Every now and then my body betrays me. We would be laying in bed together and I would feel him up against me, and those familiar tingles would start running up and down my spine. . . before I knew it we were making love. The sex with us is pretty amazing. He knows what I like and I know what he likes. It was very hard for me not to be with him in that way because I’m very attracted to him. But the free milk thing was getting to me. So I told myself I wasn’t going to go there with him. Since he wasn’t getting it as much as he’s used to, I was wondering if that had anything to do with the sudden turn around. Sex or lack of sex can make you do some crazy things. That’s true for me anyway. My fears about all of that have subsided and I’m on board with this 100%. I want to see if we have a shot at a future together. White picket fence, maybe another son, a dog…. the whole enchilada.

I’m planning to go on a cruise for my 30th birthday in December. I’ve never been on a cruise before so I need suggestions from those of you who have. If you can let me know what cruise line you used and where you went and what you liked/disliked about it. I would really appreciate it. I want to have everything booked and confirmed by the end of October. I’m really excited about doing this. I’m going by myself too. No friends or family to distract me. I want to enter my 30’s with a bang but I also want to do it alone. I want to take some time to reflect on my past and things I’ve been through and when that boat brings me back to shore, I want to have shed all negativity, all doubt, all issues. I want to embrace womanhood and eradicate anyone and anything that doesn’t respect my life and how I want to live it. I’ve always been a people pleaser. I put others needs in front of my own, which is fine… sometimes. But when I do it all the time, it makes me unhappy. I don’t stand up for myself with my family. I can with my friends or my man, but for some reason I don’t with my family. I let them tell me what I should or shouldn’t be doing when it comes to my son. I let them go against my wishes for him. I let them question every decision I make. Every time I say something I want to do either for my son, or myself there is always a ‘why’ offered up. Because I said so that’s why. I know I’m the baby of the family but I’m not a baby. I’ve been on my own since I was 18 and that deserves respect. And they are going to give it to me. Either the easy way or the hard way but nevertheless, I’ll get it. I’m sure it will be hard because everyone is used to me just going along with the flow. Change is always hard, but it’s also always necessary.

So thanks to Schatzi, I found a template at blogskins.com that I liked. I worked on it for like two days to get it the way I wanted it (yes it took that long), and now in every post there is a funny character wherever there was an apostrophe. If there is anyone who can tell me how to fix that I would really appreciate it.

Abuse, Sesame Place, and Moving

2005-08-11T11:52:00.000-05:00

I just got off the phone with a girlfriend of mine and I’m reeling from the conversation. She has been going thru so much with her husband. They have been married for about 5 years and he’s only treated her well for about 5 minutes. He has beat her ass on numerous occasions and I can’t count how many times I’ve had late night phone calls with her crying over him. I can’t count the times I’ve put on my clothes and driven to her house to sit with her because she was scared. I can’t count how many conversations I’ve had with him where he wouldn’t even admit he put his hands on her. All he would say is he was stressed because he couldn’t find a job and take care of his family, or stressed because he other children’s mother keeps taking him to court for child support, or he was stressed because it’s been raining outside (no joke, he seriously said that). This morning I find out her daughter’s hair is falling out. She’s taken her to several doctors and a dermatologist and they can’t tell her what’s wrong. They all asked her was there any stress in the home or is she going thru any major changes in her life. This fool said no. Hello? No stress. They fight constantly and the last time I went over there both of the girls were sitting right at the kitchen table eating dinner and crying their eyes out. So I can’t begin to imagine how many times that little scenario has played out. If that isn’t stress what the hell is? I grew up in a house like that and by the time I was 12 I had an ulcer. If adults don’t think kids suffer from their stupidity they are sadly mistaken. I also found out this morning that he’s been gone for six days and she’s worried about him. What the fuck? You’re worried about him? The man that punches your lights out so much we call him the electric man? She should fall on her knees and pray he doesn’t come back. How stupid do you have to be? I think at this point she likes it. I think she would rather have negative attention then no attention at all. I experienced this kind of mess at an early age. My dad beat my mom’s ass one night and stabbed her in the head with a screwdriver. I wake up the next morning and go into their room and blood was everywhere. I mean everywhere. On the floor the walls the bed… it was horrible. She fell. Can you believe that shit? I find out a few months later after she fled to Texas what really happened. She came back. Six months later she’s fleeing from our house half naked trying to get away from him. Those are the two times that I know of. How many times did I not know about? The thing I try to impart to her is sometime the abuse spills over to the children. My dad beat our ass. We were punched and slapped and pushed all the time. How long before he starts putting his hands on their girls, if he hasn’t already? What I don’t understand is why this doesn’t make sense to her. Why does it seem like I’m speaking a foreign language to her. How can a reasonably smart woman let this shit happen? It’s not like she doesn’t have anything going for her. She’s got a good job, the house she’s in is in her name only, and her mom baby-sits her kids and helps her out so she has family support. Why doesn’t she leave him? She keeps saying that all she knows is abusive relationships because she grew up in that kind of house. She and I have been friends since the 9th grade and it’s no secret that her dad used to beat her mom’s ass. On the regular. Like he was getting paid to do it. But wouldn’t that make you want different for your children and yourself? It did for me. I keep trying to figure out the difference between us. We both came from abusive homes so why is that she will put up with that shit and I absolutely will not? I don’t know. What I do know is I’m done. I’m going to have to love her from a distance until she can love herself and her kids enough to leave him. I can’t help her anymore. She’s going to have to help herself and learn to stand on her own two feet. She’s going to have to decide when the last hit will be the last hit. Hopefully it won’t be to late.

On a less depressing note, we are taking our baby to Sesame Place next week. I am so excited. He’s going to have such a good time. I just hope it’s not too hot. I do not do well in the heat. I don’t care who you are; you can’t be cute when it’s 110 on the heat index. I think the melting point of cuteness, divaness, and sexiness is around 100 degrees. Either way we are going. There are water rides so I’ll just have to stay on them if it’s really hot. Right now my mission is getting in for free. My sister can get four free military passes to the park. She’s not going to use them and of course I don’t want them to go to waste so I’m trying to finesse the situation. I think the biggest problem will be me not having military i.d. You just reserve your tickets and when you get to the gate you have to show i.d. I’ll have to figure a way around that one cause free is definitely better than $40 a ticket.

Has anyone but me had mosquito bites that have lasted for like two weeks? I mean I got bit on the top of my foot almost two weeks ago and this thing is still itching. It’s starting to hurt and get all red and puffy. We must have some mutant alien mosquitoes in Delaware.

Anyway… I want to move my blog somewhere else or at least find a template that I like. When I started blogging I didn’t know all the options that where out there. So I picked a basic Blogger template and researched how to make rudimentary changes to it and that’s how I got the purple on the black. I don’t even like purple, I was just so proud of myself for being able to do that little bit, that I left it. Now I see other people’s blogs and they look so pretty and nice. Can someone take pity on me and please please please tell me how I can get a better template on Blogger or move to a site where the templates are nicer and more abundant? I would greatly appreciate it.

Renewal

2005-08-08T15:27:00.000-05:00

Ok. This post is going to be a long one so forgive me. Anyone who reads my blog knows the issues I’ve had with my son’s father. The on again off again relationship that has driven me crazy for over two years. It’s also no secret that my heart’s desire is for us to be a family under one roof. Living in two different states has taken a toll on so many aspects of our relationship. I love this man. I adore this man. He’s one of the best people I know. I never understood how a person could form a relationship with someone they wouldn’t even be friends with. I mean if you put the relationship part on the shelf, this is still someone I would kick it with. He’s just that cool. He’s never disrespected me in any way. He’s been a rock for my son and I from day one. I’ve never been loved so completely in my life. He loves me from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet but love was never the problem. The only problem we ever had was how we talk to each other. There is some major disconnect when we talk. We both have such strong personalities and are so opinionated that our discussions kept turning into arguments. That gets real old after a while and that’s why we’ve been apart. I digress… I had pretty much decided after many conversations and much debate to just let it go. Let him go. Move on. Let us be apart and not fixate so much on each other. That was about two weeks ago. In those two weeks instead of us talking multiple times everyday, I think we had two conversations and both of them were about our son and this trip we are about to take him on. It was definitely hard and oh so weird but I thought it was best. So on Friday we were IM’ing each other trying to get our vacation plans for our son ironed out and he tells me to check my email. I did and this is what he sent me.

Broken

My mind feels like a thousand shards of broken glass across the floor, confusing, chaotic, wandering franticly as it tries to pull itself together. My mind is broken wondering how to tell her that not hearing her voice everyday makes it ache. That it throbs from those wasted hours arguing when it should have been thinking of ways to love her more. Can she believe how broken you are after the things you’ve said, how broken that brain is I have inside my head.

Broken is my heart as I watch her struggle, barely making it on the edge of trouble. Do you tell her your body is falling apart starting with your heart, a man of stone I thought knowing that fear fills my heart with the thought of being alone. How do you tell her of your broken armor when you were supposed to be her Knight, especially now that it seems your afraid to fight for her.

Broken is my heart that skips a beat as it feels me push you away because I’m so afraid you’ll stay. Broken are the lines of tears that I have cried to the thought of losing you to God’s side. Broken is my smile because you are gone no longer thinking of me and singing my song. The answers to your questions are in my broken face, swollen from tears and expressions of fear.

How do I tell her she is for me the title of her favorite song, knowing all this time I have been wrong, and no matter what my love for her is still strong. To tell her I’m so consumed with fear whenever she’s not near. That my fear of losing her in so many different ways devastates me for days. That our battles are not worth the cost, and that my promise to love her is not broken just lost.

Broken is my body now that it cannot feel yours, the touch of your lips, the feel of your hands and the shudder in your hips. How can she believe a broken man is sorry for all he’s done after filling her world with pain and tears and not fun, that he’s truly full of emotion even if she never sees it, that tears fall down my broken face repeatedly, that jealousy fills my broken heart frequently, and fear fills my heart endlessly.

Broken is my conscience as I see her leave to stubborn to yell to her and plead,” Don’t leave me broken and falling to pieces here alone without your love because I am too arrogant to fully understand your love.” I’m broken without you I have to admit, and I’ve pushed you so far away I know why you’ve quit. How could any complete man ever doubt the love you have for him after all you’ve shown, knowing for a broken one it’s your love that will bind his bones.

Broken is my world because you are not in my life; broken is my future because you may never become my wife. Broken is this man because I’ve waited this long to sing you this song. Broken I’ll always be because I’ve missed this boat, broken is me in a sea of emptiness barely remaining afloat.

Broken

Needless to say I was floored. First of all he hasn’t poured his feelings out to me in while so it was very surprising. And he doesn’t really do the poetry thing (I found out later it took him quite a few hours to write that). I had no idea that all this time he felt this way. Benjamin tends to internalize things, so it’s hard to read him sometimes. Knowing him like I do, it could not have been easy for him to tell me these things. All of this conversation happened while I was at work so when I got home he called me and we talked some more. Around 9pm he told me he was going to take a shower and he would text me when he got out. So I waited for a while but I was tired so I feel asleep. Around 12am I got a text asking me what I was doing and I was so sleepy I don’t even think I replied. So it’s around 3am and I wake up to the feel of someone sitting on my bed. Of course my heart dropped cause I thought someone had broken in to steal my cookies:). It was Benjamin (he has a key). He came down from Philly to surprise me. He said he wanted to look in my eyes when he told me that he loves me, that he never stopped, and that I am the love of his life. He was afraid he waited to long to tell me all of that but he wanted to anyway. He stayed the whole weekend. He called out of work Saturday, which says something in itself, because he never calls out. I’ve seen him sick in pain and he still goes to work. So this weekend we’ve just been talking and cuddling and trying to work thru things and find out where we went wrong. I think the main thing is that we rushed into our relationship so fast that we really didn't know each other. We didn't become friends first. I think if we develop and honor our friendship more then the relationship part will be a piece of cake. As long as we communicate with each other and keep it fresh and sexy we’ll be ok. So I’m pretty happy with this sudden turn of events. I guess that little bit of time apart did us some good.

Happy Monday!

my blues

2005-08-05T12:48:00.000-05:00

my blues ain’t for you to write
my story’s already been written
i wrote it my damn self
cause nobody ever listens

like the time I was 10
and stole candy from the store
stuffed all I could in my pants but still I wanted more
ran so fast i thought my legs would fall out the socket
got home and realized
the candy had fell out my damn pocket

when i was 13
i set the crabs free from the pot
i didn’t want my daddy to cook them
he whipped me on the spot

my first kiss at 15
with the boy up the street
we talked that day in school about where we were gonna meet
we were in our garage kissin and drinkin beer
my little brother caught us
and blackmailed me for a year

the time I was 18
and had my first real drink
i spent the whole night
throwin up in the bathroom sink
i swore up and down i would never drink seagram’s gin
i went out the next night and did it all again

the time when I was 19
and got my cherry popped
i was so damn nervous
my stomach did a flop
he rubbed my back, my feet and head
threw up on him and the bed

24
i broke my toe falling down the hill
all cause I was rushing
to pay my sprint bill

when i was 28
i had my baby boy
7 pounds and ten ounces of love, pride and joy
now he’s 18 months and easily 30 pounds
pudgy legs, easy smiles and tantrums on the ground

30 I’ll enter my sexy phase
i hear 40 is the new twenty
50 i’ll be dying the grays
60? well hopefully i’m still humpin

my blues ain’t for you to write
my story’s already been written
i wrote it my damn self
cause nobody ever listens

Unexpectedness

2005-08-04T09:09:00.000-05:00

You ever meet someone and you like them but you don’t like them? Then one day you realize they’ve sort of found their way into your subconscious? You find yourself thinking about them more and more, and you can’t figure out how or when it happened. That’s what I’m going thru right now. At first it seemed weird to me that I would be feeling like this because it’s so soon after things ended with my son’s father. I was talking to my sister about it last night and she made me realize that it isn’t soon. We haven’t been together as a couple since right after my son was born and before that there was a huge amount of time when we weren’t a couple either. In three years we’ve spent more time apart then together. The only thing that remained ‘couple-like ‘ between us was the sex. We never stopped having sex. And even that hasn’t been a regular thing because we live in different states. I guess I had sort of a pseudo-relationship with him. It’s been living a half-life for a very long time. But I digress… last night Max called me and we talked on the phone for 10 hours. I have not slept at all. Not one lick. The conversation was effortless and easy. I guess it always is in the beginning. He asked me about my life. Where I had been and where I wanted to go. We talked about the things I wanted for my son and what kind of parent I want to be. He laughed at me when I said certain things but laughed in a good way. Not mocking or patronizing. I never realized what a good conversationalist he is. I never realized how similar our views are. We never had the time in the past. He was always here one minute and then gone the next.

So this morning when we finally got off the phone, I started my getting ready for work routine. I get up first and take my shower and do all my hygiene rituals and pack my baby’s bag for the day then I get him up and dressed. Well this morning while I was packing his bag I realized I had been singing. Now I am not a morning person. I hate to get up, so singing is the last thing I’m doing. Bitching and complaining about going to work? Definitely. Never singing. But this morning I was. I felt a little funny in the stomach too. All nervous and jittery. It took me a second to realize what it was. Butterflies. I hadn’t had them in so long it had become an unrecognizable feeling. When you’ve been dealing with the same person and same stagnant issues for a while those feelings are refreshing. Even though I would never get involved with him romantically it’s nice to have the option.

Yesterday I was walking out of the store and a car full of young Black males stopped and the driver shouted out the window “ hey ho come here” his friend said “ I see you bitch with that fat ass and those big ass titties” “When you gonna let me get in that pussy?” When I didn’t reply he drove off but not before he spit out of the car window and said “fuck you then bitch you aint all that anyway.” This is disturbing on so many levels. First of all, I had my son with me. Had he been older he would have understood every word. Secondly there were people all around. I was so embarrassed not only for myself but for them also. I mean damn. How could anyone think that is acceptable behavior? Why was it ok in their minds to completely disrespect me and themselves? Why was it ok for them to expose my son to that verbal assault? I’m still pissed about it. I mean men have approached me before, but never like that. I didn’t even realize I was on the verge of tears until I got in my car and sat down. I don’t know if it was because my son was with me that it hit me so hard but the more I thought about it the madder I got. Are there women out there who would have ran over to the car to talk to them? Is this why they feel it's ok to talk to women like that? If so where are these women, cause we need to talk. All I know is if I EVER EVER EVER hear anything remotely like that come out of my son's mouth it's gonna be some jump off. That's just trifiln. UGH!!!!!!!

Weekend Recap

2005-08-01T13:57:00.000-05:00

I had a pretty good weekend. First of all it wasn’t anywhere near as hot as it has been. That was a blessing. When it’s hot like that I can’t function. Friday night I whipped some butt on the spades table (as usual). Advice to Shauna & Darryl: don’t talk shit to me all week about spades and then don’t bring your A game. You will never hear the end of it. I love beating people who think they can’t lose. Especially in their own house. Daryl & Shauna are two of Max’s (my soldier friend) best friends. I’ve heard about them but this is the first time I’ve ever met them. I’ve talked to “D” on the phone and every time I do he talks shit about how he’s gonna whip me on the card table. It’s so funny cause after the second game on Friday a lot of that talk died down. You know the type… they’ll talk trash all night if they’re winning but if they’re losing you can hear a pin drop. This was my first time playing cards with Max too. His real name isn’t Max but for the sake of posting it is now. All and all I had a really good time. Saturday I slept in after getting home at 3am, and then went shopping. My son really needed sneakers. Footlocker had a 30% friends and family sale so I figured I would go in and get him a pair. I ended up buying three pair. I got him two pair of Nikes and a pair of Reeboks to play in, and I only paid $30 for all three. I love a good sale. I had to buy 7’s because they were out of 7 ½. So he won’t be able to wear them as long as I would have liked but for $30 it doesn’t matter. If his feet keep growing at this rate I’ll be buying sneakers every three months. I actually had to get his dad to put the money in our joint account so I could buy them. I just sent him an IM telling him that I needed money for sneakers. That is one of the things that I do appreciate about Benjamin. Even though things are over between us we can still come together when it comes to our son. Speaking of Peanut, that boy is a hot mess. He is talking so clearly now. It’s so funny how some things seem to happen over night. I just signed him up for a tot program at the YMCA he’ll have so much fun. The Y is so expensive though. It’s a four-week program and it set me back $280. If he has a good time and learns some things it will be worth every penny. If he doesn’t he’ll have to work it off:)

Anyway… after shopping on Saturday I went to help my mom get ready for my Aunts 55th birthday party on Sunday. She was only expecting 50 people but it seemed like she cooked enough for 100. We had ribs, hamburgers, hot dogs, fried cabbage, greens, seafood salad pretzel salad, cake, and watermelon… I could go on and on. She was cooking for two days. I love my mom but sometimes I don’t understand her. She has arthritis in her legs and knees but she chooses to stand up and cook into the wee hours of the morning. Then when I called her today she’s laid up in the bed so sore she can barley move. She keeps saying she’ll stop when she’s dead, and I understand that she wants to be active, but not at the expense of her health. I’m rambling again. Sorry.

After I left her house I went back on base. Anyone who is a civilian trying to get on base can understand how hard it is to get on base. Max was supposed to sign me on at the guard gate but forgot. So I had to circle around the guard gate and park, walk into the guard shack, show them id, registration, and proof of insurance. I don’t know why they needed all of that but when someone with a loaded gun strapped over his shoulder asks me for those things trust and believe he’s going to get it. Then I had to call Max but I couldn’t remember his number. The fool doesn’t even live on base so he stays with different people when he’s here. He’s given me no less then 10 numbers to reach him. So I had to dig thru my trunk to find my day planner and get the damn number but before I could he comes riding up. He was just a grinning and I was not in the mood. He thought it was funny and I surely did not. Next time he doesn’t sign me in, I’m turning around and leaving.

I finally got to see his motorcycle. It was really nice. I mean I really don’t know anything about motorcycles but the colors where nice. He convinced me to ride and I must admit that I liked it. A lot. I didn’t like the helmet but I put it on anyway. The faster he went the more I liked it. I can see how people get addicted to motorcycles. I wanted to drive it but of course that was a hell no. I’m going to wear him down on that one. After that we didn’t do much. Went to dinner and then I went home because I knew I had to go back to my mom’s house on Sunday morning to finish helping her.

Sunday was the birthday party. It started out well but around the middle I was ready to go. My family is crazy but if you add alcohol to the mix they reach a whole other level of crazy. I don’t even know where the alcohol came from but before I knew it several people were buzzed. After I saw someone walk into a glass door I went inside. My mom’s best friends where inside the house trying to school the younger women about sex and marriage. It was a trip to hear all of these church folk talk about stuff like that. I’ll save what they said for another post. I’m tired of typing.

Hope everyone had a good weekend!

good lovin

2005-07-29T11:39:00.000-05:00

ummmm good lovin
good like ice cream on a hot day
no. wait.
good like ice cream drippin down my thighs on a hot day

good like watchin larenz
and nia make love jones
like memorizing my favorite song
like listening to jill scott
john legend and real hip-hop

good like sittin on the front stoop
getting my hair twisted
like double dutch and hopscotch
like dark skin reflected in the sunlight
like a shoe sale at manolo blahnik

good like great
like wonderful like exceptional like
e.x.c.e.l.l.e.n.t like m.a.r.v.e.l.o.u.s
like damn
like whoa

good like that first kiss, that first touch
like me under you, you under me
like the sounds i make when im wet
like the smell of you on my skin
like that final shudder

good.
Like.
ummmmm.

Transitions

2005-07-28T13:04:00.000-05:00

Warning: Long relationship post coming. This is also a different spin on a previous post.

The Art of War
Sun-Tzu The Art of War Chapter 6: Weakness & Strength

Generally the one who first occupies the battlefield awaiting the enemy is at ease; the one who comes later and rushes into battle is fatigued.

Therefore those skilled in warfare move the enemy, and are not moved by the enemy.

Getting the enemy to approach on his own accord is a matter of showing him advantage; stopping him from approaching is a matter of showing him harm.

Therefore, if the enemy is at ease, be able to exhaust him

If the enemy is well fed, be able to starve him

If the enemy is settled, be able to move him

Appear at places where he must rush to defend, and rush to places where he least expects.

I try to apply much of this philosophy to daily life. The word enemy can be easily replaced with boss, co-worker, friend, or lover. To me this chapter is about emotional and mental preparedness. I grew up in a household where tears and excuses were not tolerated. Where strength was rewarded and weakness was punished. Where being right was important and winning was everything. I think in a way it stunted my emotional growth but I also feel it prepared me for the cruelties and unfairness of life. I try to always be the one with the upper hand. “Therefore those skilled in warfare move the enemy, and are not moved by the enemy.” Words to live by, don’t you think?

I don't like to be surprised or unprepared. To be prepared for anything is a skill that takes a lot of hard work to sharpen and can never be mastered. But still I try. To me mental preparedness is important if you don't want to go thru life dumbfounded.

The only place I fail, and miserably I might add, is in relationships. When it comes to relationships, I find myself flailing and struggling to keep up with all the little things you have to maintain to make them successful. In relationships people often surprise me, and I find myself scrambling to find my footing. I hate that feeling. All the little idiosyncrasies people have, the character flaws, the emotional baggage, are very hard for me to handle because I always believe the best about someone and when I see the worse it really devastates me. My biggest problem is expecting from others what I would give. In doing so I am disappointed 90% of the time.

My son’s father and I have “ended” things so many times before that I’ve lost count. But this time it feels final or at the very least long-term. It feels like we’ve both realized that we can’t make it together right now. Maybe not ever. I only alluded to the argument we had the other day in my previous post because I wasn’t ready to write about the details. What I will say is that he said things to me that really gave me something to think about. In previous relationships I had thought out pretty much every action and reaction beforehand. I assessed how things would affect all involved, especially myself, and acted accordingly. My ex boyfriend used to call me cold & calculating. For the most part that was true. Don’t get me wrong I loved the person I was with and I would do anything I could for them, but emotionally I was very closed off. I had to know what I would gain and what I would lose before I did something. With my son’s father though, things were different. I’ve never really been in love like that. I never let down my guard like that. I never felt those butterflies or that feeling of being swept away before. I think I kind of lost my balance. I lost sight of things that I knew to be true and went against what I felt in my gut.

When we first met I really wasn’t feeling being in a relationship. I had just found out some life changing news that was taking up most of my time and focus. I had also just gotten out of a semi-relationship with someone who betrayed me. So when he came along I knew that I wasn’t ready. But as time went on he would do little things to wear me down. He was very romantic and attentive. He would constantly say he wanted to be with me and to just step out on faith. He wrote me little poems and sent me letters in the mail. He was there for me whenever I needed him. We would talk on the phone for hours. Before I knew it, I had fallen in love. Before we could even revel in the fact that we were in love, the problems started. He changed positions at his job, which didn’t allow him to spend as much time with me, and his grandmother passed away. His grandmother was the woman who raised him. She had been sick for a while and it really hit him hard when she died. All of these things coupled with the things I was going thru really threw our relationship into a tailspin. Now here we are almost 3 years later and that tailspin has finally come to an end. It seems like a lifetime ago when we were so in love with nothing on the horizon but blue skies and calm seas. Now sometimes I find it hard to recall why I fell in love with him in the first place. I wish now I had done things differently.

The saddest thing is he’s my best friend. I can come to him with anything and know he’ll still be there for me and still love me. That kind of love gives you wings. I think our past pain bought us together and tore us apart. I think when we speak now it will only be about our son. It will be pretty hard, but we’ve been running in place for a while now. We haven’t progressed in any way that I can see. The things that used to bother me about him are now magnified, and I’m sure he feels the same. His arrogance and sarcasm drive me crazy. His smart-ass mouth is so frustrating sometimes. I view it as a defense mechanism and I don’t think he realizes how it makes him look. The only thing worse than arrogance is baseless arrogance. You ever meet someone who is arrogant and you can’t figure out what they have to be arrogant about? I guess that’s what he had to do to get thru all his past rejections. I don’t know. Right now I’m settling into this new stage and it’s pretty hard but it will be ok. I felt like I was in a rut so at the very least this is something different. I’m really going to miss being able to have sex whenever I want. I’ve been sleeping with the same person for three years. It will be hard to let that go. I’m a very sexual person but I don’t sleep around so my frustration will be mounting in the coming weeks. I refer to this time as the transitional stage. Those first few weeks/months that you aren’t getting any after you’ve been having sex on the regular. It’s so fucking frustrating. After you’ve bought and used all the batteries in the free world, you get over it and then it’s smooth sailing. I guess I'll just have to wait it out.

Sorry for rambling but I did warn you:)

It's still hot dammit!

2005-07-26T11:34:00.000-05:00

It's hotter than cootie brown outside. I am not going anywhere today. Once I get to work, I'm barricading myself in. I’m not even going to think about leaving for lunch. When it’s hot I sweat like a slave and that is soooo unattractive. My sister called me to see if I want to go to the fair tonight? WTF? Is she crazy? Unless the fair is inside this year then hell no I’m not going. As soon as I get home I’m taking a shower turning the AC on high and taking a nap with my son. Extreme heat like this makes me tired and saps my energy. !@#%$!

Is anyone other than me feeling that new Toni Braxton song? I was blasting it this morning. Put a little pep in my step. The violins are crazy. Speaking of songs, whatever happened to CD and cassette singles? I wish they would bring them back, so I don’t have to keep buying whole CD’s for one damn song. I used to have a car full of singles. I was over my mom’s house the other day and found Troop’s All I Do is Think of You and Monica’s It’s just One of Them Days. That took me back. I used to go to the record store every payday and buy like 10 cassette singles. Those were the days…

Anyway…I stole this from ej. Thanks!

Ten years ago: I was 20 on my own and thought I knew every damn thing.
Five years ago: I was 25 and just starting to realize what womanhood really meant.
One year ago: I was still getting the hang of this motherhood thing and loving every minute of it.
Yesterday: I went to work, picked up my son and went home. I played some music while I caught up on some letters I should have written a while ago.
Today: The day isn’t over yet, but so far I’ve caught up on most of my work and gave a much needed cleaning to my desk. Tonight I’m going to see my friend and her new baby.
Tomorrow: I’m going bowling on base and to the movies to see Hustle & Flow. I need to squeeze in a trip to the mall to get my baby some shoes too.
5 snacks I enjoy: Reduced Fat Sour Cream & Onion Pringles, Ben & Jerrys, Pretzels, Strawberries, and popcorn
5 bands that I know the lyrics to most of their songs: 112, Earth Wind & Fire, Atlantic Starr, The Roots, The Fugees
5 things I would do with $100,000,000: By myself a house, Give each member of my immediate family 3-5 million, set up a trust fund for my son, take my sisters, girlfriends, mother and step-mother to a spa/vacation, start a business catering to working mothers
5 locations I’d like to runaway to: New York, Dubai, Atlanta, The Caribbean, Hawaii
5 bad habits I have: Cursing, not paying attention/listening, being late, procrastination, holding grudges
5 things I like doing: Reading, writing, playing with my son, traveling, sex
5 things I would never wear: ugly shoes, hickeys, fake jewelry, too-tight clothing, black stockings with white shoes
5 TV shows I like: Friends, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Sex & the City, A Different World, The Cosby Show
5 movies I like: Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Love Jones,Love Actually, The Color Purple
5 famous people I’d like to meet: Hillary Clinton, Maya Angelou, Mos Def, Condeleeza Rice, Oprah
5 biggest joys at the moment: My son, my family, my friends, son’s father, school
5 favorite toys: Perfection, Operation, Go Fish, Bubblegum Baby, Etch a Sketch

It's hot dammit!

2005-07-25T12:27:00.000-05:00

I was listening to the radio this morning and one of the topics of conversation kind of caught my ear. They asked the question “has coochie lost its value?” Usually I turn the dial when stuff like this comes on the radio, but for some reason I was really curious about what everyone had to say. A lot of males called in and said yes it had, while of course most of the females said it hadn’t. The host of the show was saying that it’s so easy to get that it isn’t valuable anymore. He said every time he goes to the club he has his pick of women more than willing to go home with him. We all know the easier it is to get something the less valuable it becomes. That’s basic supply and demand. Are the panties dropping so frequently and easily that men don’t value it as much as they used to? Any thoughts?

This weekend was not good. My son still had a high fever and we ended up at the hospital again. His fever has been running at least 104 since last week. They can’t tell me why though. After they ran some more blood tests they decided they wanted to do a spinal tap to rule out meningitis. I hate having to make decisions like that. It’s really a damn if you do, damn if you don’t situation. I decided to go ahead and let them do it. Let me tell you… I’ve only been a mother for 18 months (28 if you include belly time) but I never want to go thru anything like that again. The sounds that came out of my baby were terrible. I’ve never heard any sound so primal and full of pain in my life. They wanted me to hold him down but I knew I couldn’t do it. My first instinct is to pick up my son when he’s hurt. With a spinal tap you have to be really still or risk paralysis. I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold him still. I didn’t want to stay in the room either, cause’ I knew he would be looking at me with that “why aren’t you doing anything” look. That look just kills me. After all of that he didn’t even have meningitis. That made me feel like an even bigger asshole. Not that I wanted him too have it, I’m thankful he doesn’t, I just felt horrible about it. This morning when he woke up he was a cool as a cucumber. Hopefully it was just a virus that was a little stronger than usual. Hopefully the worse is over.

My son’s father and I had a long talk yesterday. I guess I should say a long argument. He and I cannot communicate. It seems like when I try to get my point across he doesn’t understand it and vice versa. The sheer volume of arguments we have had over the years has worn both of us down. I have never had problems like these in any relationship that I’ve ever been in. I don’t know what it is but we just can’t seem to talk to each other and that drives us both crazy. Yesterday he said I only give love to him 5% of the time. Damn. Talk about hurt feelings. Especially since all of this time I thought that was the one thing I was doing right… loving him. I guess not.

My friend is off the boat and he’s back on base so he decided to call me this morning at 5am. I don’t know what his problem is but he thinks that whenever he comes back he should call me no matter what time it is. I don’t know where he’s been and if there was a time difference, but if you want to have a nice conversation with me then don’t call me at 5am. He was all excited because he bought a motorcycle. He had one before but it was stolen. So it’s 5am and he’s telling me different things about the motorcycle and I really could give a damn but I listen. He’ll be here on Wednesday and wants to take me for a ride but I’ll have to think about that one. Motorcycles scare me. The good news is he doesn’t think he’ll be going anywhere any time soon so I have my travel buddy back for a little while.

We haven't had a summer this hot in a while. The heat wouldn't be as bad if it wasn't so humid. It's even hot at night. I hate it. It's going to be 96 degrees here tomorrow and the humidity is going to be high too. Damn!

Random Friday Madness

2005-07-22T15:41:00.000-05:00

1. Why will people tell you boldface lie and then try to turn the tables on you when you call them on it. You got caught so just admit it. I would respect you more. Don’t try to make that other person feel like it was their fault you lied.

2. Why did I get a funny look when this car FULL of Black folks pulled up next to me today cause I was blasting Hoobastank in my car? Yes I listen to alternative music… and damn well enjoy it too. I like a few country songs too. So what? Sometimes it’s nice to take a break from hearing about brothas getting trapped in the closet, or droppin it like it’s hot, or somebody leaking till they’re soakin wet (which is horrible by the way). Maybe that’s just me.

3. Why does everyone laugh at me when I say I’m short but I have long legs? I mean think about it. Some people have long torsos and short legs and vice versa. I happen to have a shorter torso and longer legs. But I’m still short as hell. Think about it.

4. If I’m standing in line at the grocery store with a cart full of food, and you are behind me with like two things, I will say go ahead in front of me. But do not, I repeat DO NOT, proceed to send your son for 3 things you forgot and hold up the line.

5. Why am I hooked on Laguna Beach on MTV and The Hogans on VH-1? I mean I knew I was a reality TV junky but this is too much even for me.

6. Why is the new girl on the phone all day? I mean you’ve only been here 2 weeks. Don’t start slacking until at least your fourth week. Not only is she loud as hell, she comes in here looking like she went to the club the night before and never changed clothes.

7. Is it just me, or after good sex do you feel like you can do anything?

8. Why does my supervisor say supposubly instead of supposedly? Or pacific instead of specific. Or treach instead of teach? And why does it bother me like nails on a chalkboard?

9. Why do females who can’t walk in high heels, walk in high heels? If you know your time limit in heels is 2 hours and you work an 8-hour day, you might want to take a pair of flats with you. That way when hour 3 hits you aren’t tiptoeing around like your trying to scare somebody.

10. Advice to my employer: If you want me to be productive on a Friday afternoon, then don’t feed me sandwiches and pasta salad and chips and cake and… well just don’t feed me period. If you do you waive your right to me working instead of watching the clock, blogging, and nodding off a little.

Clown General Hospital

2005-07-20T15:18:00.000-05:00

I just got to work. I’ve been up with a sick baby all night in the emergency room. I had to show my ass ya’ll. I am a very calm person. It takes a whole helluva lot to get me to the point where I feel I need to raise my voice. I reached that point today. When it comes to my son, don’t fuck with me. Period.

I take him to the ER cause he’s burning up. I mean hot to the touch burning up. When we get there they take his temperature and it’s 104.6. When I heard that my jaws just dropped. My poor baby. I guess I watch too much TV cause I expected the nurse to rush us back stat. I wanted them to drop everything they were doing, call a code blue, and come rushing to my baby’s bedside. All I got was an “ok go sit back in the waiting room and they will call you for registration”. What the fuck? How high does a baby’s temp have to be before I can skip registration and go straight back to treatment? 204.6? Do I need to stick a lighter to his body and make him boil? So right away I’m pissed. An hour later, after me getting up no less than 10 times to give the triage lady my “come the fuck on” eye roll, we get taken to the back. Doctor comes in to ask me some stupid questions. “Why did you bring him in?” Uhhhh did you not see the chart? I’ve already gone thru this with the triage nurse. “Did his high temp alarm you?” No I thought it was funny, I just bought him to the ER to see if you thought it was too. What a fucktard (thanks Belle that’s my new favorite word).

After this idiot interrogates me, the nurse comes in to give him a bag of fluid, draw some blood, and get a urine sample. Apparently the only way to get a urine sample from a baby boy is to stick a catheter tube into his penis. Advice to the medical community: invent a pill that you can give a baby to make them pee. Don’t stick a tube down their penis and damn sure don’t comment that this won’t hurt that much. It will. I don’t have to have a penis to know that. So they get the blood and urine samples and then go for the IV. The second nurse comes in and I swear this is the conversation:

Nurse 1: Have you ever done a pediatric IV before?
Nurse 2: No, I tried to do one yesterday but I couldn’t get a vein so Cathy (I’m assuming another nurse) did it. I was poking around on that poor little arm for 5 minutes.
Nurse 1: Well go get a kit and you can do this one.

No the fuck she can’t. My son’s name is Benjamin not Guinea. Nurse 1 must have seen the look on my face. “Don’t worry this is a teaching hospital. We all learned by practicing.” Was that reassurance? I’m sure that it’s true. I mean how can you learn medicine without practicing it? You can’t. I still don’t give a damn. Not on my son. So Nurse 2 comes back with the IV kit. Nurse one says she’ll go ahead and do it and then gives her a little look. Whatever. Just get it done. By this time Peanut is screaming. He’s sweaty and wet from crying and trying to jerk his body away so when she tries to tape the IV to his hand the tape won’t stick. So she sends the nurse out once again to get some stuff to make the tape stick. Somehow the idiot got her finger stuck to the tape and when she tried to yank it the whole IV came out. I lost it. I went the fuck off. Called her every name I could think of. Told her I want a doctor to do this or a nurse that didn’t have stupid written on her forehead.

I’m just happy my baby is ok. It was just a viral infection. He’s better now and almost back to his naughty self.

Ummmm...

2005-07-15T12:34:00.000-05:00

I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day
I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.

I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.

I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,

and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue.

-Pablo Neruda

Harry Potter Baby!!!!

2005-07-15T10:44:00.000-05:00

I’m 29 years old soon to be 30 and should know better but I love, love, love Harry Potter. I have a love of reading that spans over two decades. Books to me are precious and priceless and I love nothing better than to curl up in my comfortable chair and read a book. No TV, no music, no phone, just peace and quiet and my book. When I was a child books were an escape for me. They made me feel safe in an environment that wasn’t. Even back then I could open a 300-page book and read it from cover to cover in no time. I will read just about any type of book. I love mysteries and romance, fiction and non-fiction. It doesn’t really matter. I went from a child reading Judy Blume to an adult reading John Grisham. But when I started reading Harry Potter I didn’t realize that I would get hooked. I know they are supposed to be for kids but I can’t help it. I cannot wait to start on the new one.

I’ve started reading them to Peanut, which I mentioned to a friend of mine. She flipped out. “Those books are about witches and wizards and that’s the devil.” Uhhhh… be easy. It’s just a book. I’m not teaching him about devil worship or anything like that. It’s called imagination. I will teach him how to draw the line between fantasy and reality. I mean it’s the same with Barney and Dragon Tales. He’s not going to go around looking for purple dinosaurs or flying dragons. I think Harry Potter teaches children valuable lessons about friendship and strength.

Anyway… It’s going to rain all weekend again. I wanted to take the Peanut swimming this weekend but I guess that’s out. His dad should be here which should be interesting since we haven’t really been talking lately. I don’t even want to get into all of that drama. I guess I’ll just have to see how it goes.

Mothers?

2005-07-14T10:17:00.000-05:00

No one knows me better than I know myself. Yet I keep getting told what I should do and what I need to do. It started with my mom last week. My son and I were over her house and he went for the crystal dish on her glass coffee table. So I picked it up and moved it to where he couldn’t reach it. You would have thought I threw it on the ground and smashed it. “Why are you moving that dish? Don’t move things you smack his hands so he won’t touch them.” WTF??? Why would I do that when I can just as easily move the dish out of his reach? I try not to spank my son. I had an overbearing father who spanked us if we made too much noise in the house. I think some Black people have a tendency to over punish their children. Children don’t need to be belittled and berated. Sometimes it’s ok to talk to your child. Spanking isn’t always the answer. Now that doesn’t mean I won’t tap some ass either. My son is headstrong. He will look me in my face and do the opposite of what I tell him to do. And I know he understands. So I’m sure as he gets older he’s got it coming to him. But right now he’s only 17 months. Moving a dish isn’t going to hurt me so why make the alternative spanking?

That was incident number one. Number two was when I walked into the house after going to the store and find a lollipop in his mouth. I am a fanatic when it comes to what my son eats. I think to much sugar is why we have kids on ADHD medicine, and why kids are so overweight. When I was a kid we could have as much candy as we wanted. There are pictures in our photo album of me sitting at the table with a plate of pig feet and chitterlings in front of us. And we were all overweight. We were allowed to sit in front of the TV for hours and hours as long as we were quiet and out of our parents way. I don’t want that for my son. I want him to eat a balanced diet and I want him to get plenty of fresh air and exercise. Now I’m not a Nazi either. I don’t put my baby on the treadmill or make him eat diet food or anything like that. But he does eat plenty of fruit and vegetables and I limit how much TV he watches. He does get candy but in very limited amounts. And if he’s already been drinking juice all day I don’t want him having candy on top of that. I’ve repeatedly asked them to cut back on the juice. Give him more water and milk. Or if you’re going to give him juice then make it half juice and half water. My pleas fall on deaf ears. It pisses me off.

Incident number three happened the other day. This was the last straw for me. I’m the type of person who can take a lot. A whole lot. But when I reach my breaking point then you better watch out. My son’s birthday is in January. Of course when it’s winter there are a lot of limitations when it comes to kid’s birthday parties. So about a month ago I mentioned maybe having a summer birthday party for him and just doing something small in January. I just mentioned it in passing and really haven’t thought anymore about it. Well Monday night when I was over my mom’s house I saw these birthday invitations with Barney on them. I asked her who they were for and she said they are for Peanuts birthday party. We’re having one next month in the backyard. We’ve already told some people but I still wanted to send out invitations. WHAT THE??? I love my mom, and I rarely lose my temper with her because I think it’s disrespectful, but I couldn’t hold it in. How the hell are you going to start planning a birthday party for my son? Who are you to do that? I told you last month that I was thinking about doing that myself. I haven’t been that mad at her in a while. I had to walk out before I said something I would regret. I’m still pissed. I just don’t understand her sometimes. She drives me crazy. I have male friends and they never go thru the drama with their mothers that I do with mine. But my female friends do. I wonder why that is. Why it's such a struggle for mothers and daughters to get along? I don't know but i'm thankful I have a son.

Randomness

2005-07-12T13:47:00.000-05:00

"What, me worry?"

Why is Sistah’s in New Jersey this year? It’s been in Philly every year and now all of a sudden it’s in NJ. WTF? That puts a monkey wrench in my plans. My son’s father is supposed to be here this weekend. I say supposed to because I’m not sure if he is or isn’t. We haven’t spoken in a little bit so I’m not sure if the plans have changed. Anyway it seems like this year all they are doing is sponsoring a concert and calling it Sistah’s. It will be a helluva concert though, so I guess I shouldn’t complain too much. Come to think of it, i’m not even going so why do I care? Cause I’m crazy that’s why.

I have to get a tooth pulled. They wanted to do a root canal but I can’t do it. I’m to scared. I have a very low pain threshold especially when it comes to my teeth. That’s why I take care of them. I don’t even like being in a dentist office. The smell makes me nauseous. I can’t describe it but they all smell the same. I guess I have to suck it up and have it done though. Right now the whole left side of my face is swollen and I’m in serious pain. The dentist gave me some Vicodin but I can only take it at night cause it makes me loopy.

Is anyone else laughing their ass off about Hillary Clintons Alfred E. Neuman comment on Bush? What makes it so funny is that it’s true. So very, very, very true. And now every time I see him I picture ole’ Alfred and laugh all over again. Thank you Hillary.

Hair 911

2005-07-08T12:49:00.000-05:00

What the hell is wrong with my hair? I can’t do anything with it. It drives me crazy. I used to have long, beautiful, thick hair when I was younger. My mom used to straighten it out and I would wear it in long ponytails. As I got older it got thicker so she started putting perms in it. Of course that ruined it. It started breaking off and getting thinner. By the time I was in high school it was half the length it was when I was in grade school and probably half as thick. Now it’s shoulder length and a little on the thin side. I haven’t had a perm in about 4 years so most of the damage has been repaired. I love natural hair. I have a “good grade” of hair but I have no idea what to do with it. I see all these beautiful sistah’s rocking their natural styles and I’m envious. One of the many drawbacks of being from a small town is that there are only a couple of quality salons around here and of those two none of the stylists specialize in natural hair. They keep saying “you have pretty wavy hair, just put some mousse on it and wear it out”. Yeah ok. I tried that and after an hour it’s just puffy and frizzy and a looks like a hot mess. It’s driving me crazy.

Anyway… I went to a toy party last night. If anyone has ever been to one of these you know how crazy they can be. This was my first one and I have to say it was interesting to say the least. One of the new girls at my job has a friend who sells lingerie and toys and she was having this party. I’m not going to go into all the freaky-deaky details but I had a really good time. I didn’t buy anything (this time) but it was fun nevertheless. I met some new and interesting people, which is always good. The party was an hour away so I didn’t get home until after 11. Which is why I’m sitting here at work sleepy as hell. I was up yesterday at 4am cause my baby is sick. He has a cold and was tossing a turning all night long. I guess around 4 he’d had enough cause he woke up crying. Then he wanted to play so I didn’t get him back to sleep until 5:30. I get up at 6 so I had about 4 hours sleep. For me that’s torture. I need at least 8 hours of sleep to function. I prefer 9 or 10. What never ceases to amaze me is people who can run on 3 and 4 hours of sleep. I’m not built like that. If I don’t get enough sleep I’m a crab ass. I will sit here all day and not say a word and teeter in between sleep and awake. I’m not productive at all. What’s so crazy is I should be used to that because I’m a borderline insomniac. I go nights when I can’t sleep at all, so 3 or 4 hours should be heaven to me, but it’s not. I’d rather not sleep at all then get into some good sleeping and have to wake up.

getting reacquainted

2005-07-07T11:10:00.000-05:00

Isn't he getting big?

You ever feel like you just need a break from everything. That’s where I’ve been… on a break. I wish I could come back and say I’ve been doing fantastic things like traveling or going out but I haven’t. I’ve just been raising my son, going to work, and taking care of my business.

The things that prompted me to take a break are no longer an issue in my life and I’m thankful. Even though I haven’t been doing anything exciting, I have been doing something meaningful. After a lot of introspection, I realized I’m not the same person I used to be. I know you’re thinking no one is the same they used to be, and that’s true. What I’m saying is that I’m not who I used to be and that’s a bad thing. I’m not going to go into detail but let’s just say I took a long hard look at myself and didn’t like what I saw. Everyone who’s been in that place before knows how hard that realization is.

So now I’m getting off my ass and doing something about it. I made a list of goals, all very reasonable and attainable, and have starting working towards them. For me writing things down has always been better than just thinking them. To have something tangible to read when you lose sight of your goals and to be able to check them off one by one when you reach them is very rewarding.

My first goal is a financial one. I need to save and budget more. I get up everyday and go to work so I need to see the fruits of that labor. I want to have more money saved at the end of each month. I really would like to become financially independent for my son and myself. I want the money that his father gives me every month to just be a bonus, not something I actually need. Money is starting to become an issue with us, not because he doesn’t want to provide for his son, but because sometimes he can’t. So it’s up to me to make sure that my baby’s needs are met. In budgeting and tracking my money, I can see where everything is going and make the necessary adjustments. Anyone ever have those moments of wondering how you spent so much money and have nothing to show for it? Well I was having to many of those.

I’m not going to go down the list and name all of the goals I’ve set for myself. Some of them are personal and some boring but I will mention some more of them and how I’m doing with them in later posts.

I hope everyone is having a good summer. I have so many blogs to catch up on so don’t be surprised if you see a comment from me. Take care.

What's going on...

2005-04-20T10:15:00.000-05:00

I’ve been so busy I haven’t had a to much time to write or comment so forgive me. Hopefully I can catch everyone up in this post.

First of all Peanut is doing much better. Thanks to all who put him in your prayers and sent me emails. It’s greatly appreciated. My son being sick put a lot of things in perspective for me. He wasn’t on his deathbed or anything but it still made me think of how life can be snatched in a minute. So fast it will make your life spin. My son is my world and if anything ever happened to him, words can’t express how devastated I would be. That’s the joy and the sadness of having a child. I mean I love him so much and he’s been such a blessing to me that my life would be empty without him. On the flipside I constantly worry about his safety and his well-being. I won’t lie… before I had him it was nice not to worry so much about everything.

I told everyone about my friend a little while back. Well I didn’t say much because I wasn’t sure what was going to happen with him. He’s in the military and I wasn’t sure how much longer he was going to be here. Sure enough he got shipped out. He’s in the Navy, stationed in Annapolis. He was supposed to be “on the water” as he called it for a month but low and behold I get a phone call yesterday morning saying he was back. I don’t think I could get used to dating someone in the military. It’s more dangerous now than ever and I couldn’t rest with knowing someone I care about was in danger like that. Plus sometimes you never know when you’re going to leave or how long you’ll be gone. And what’s with all the secrecy? You tell anyone where you’re going. I guess that’s for safety reasons but it’s annoying as hell. I’ve only been dating this guy for a few weeks, imagine being married or in a long-term relationship with someone in the military. It’s got to be very hard. I have a new found respect for all those left behind every day all over the world while there men and women go off to protect their country.
Like I said I got a call yesterday saying he got back Monday night and he would be in Delaware on Tuesday. We made tentative plans for last night. After I got off work I really didn’t feel like going out but he’s about to leave again so I went. We went to TGI Friday’s, which is my favorite restaurant, but it was so late I only ordered dessert. We were gonna go to the movies but we stayed in Fridays so long we missed the last show so we went to the casino. Now here’s where it gets interesting. I knew I wasn’t going to play to much money cause I wasn’t really in the mood to gamble. I put $5.00 in the nickel machines and played it until it was gone. Somehow he and I had gotten separated so I went to look for him cause’ I wasn’t about to play anymore. When I found him he had all these buckets of gold coins. Like 4 of them. I had never saw those coins before so when I asked he informed me that each one was worth a dollar. In the time that it took me to lose 5 bucks he had won over $600. Why can’t I have that kind of luck? It seems like every time I go to the casino, the person I go with wins big and I don’t. I was happy for him though. He wanted to give me half of it but I wouldn’t take it. Money has a way of making people crazy. In situations with a mate, I prefer to have my own and you have your own. Less stress.

This weekend Peanut & I went to Philly. We had a wonderful time with Benjamin and his parents. I love going up there. They are such cool people. Benjamin and I are at a really good place right now. It feels good to not be in so much pain and turmoil all the time. It was just easy and nice to be with him. We went to the Tacony Palmyra flea market in Jersey and I got a car seat for Peanut for $5. I love love love flea markets. Especially when I find good deals like that. The car seat was dirty as hell but we hosed it down and it looked brand new. We just watched TV and played with Peanut for the rest of the weekend.

I turned down both of the job offers I had. I’m still looking but they just didn’t quite fit. Savannah is still a very strong option, just not right now. Something else is opening up at my job so I just want to wait a little while longer to see how it plays out. If what I think is going to happen, happens then I’ll be in Philadelphia before the end of the year. That’s what I really and truly want anyway.

I have more to post but I’m gonna try to do that later I have a meeting to get to.

Uhhhhh...

2005-04-14T15:09:00.000-05:00

Nothing much to write about so...

IF YOU COULD BUILD A SECOND HOUSE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE?
New York

WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLES OF CLOTHING?
Do shoes count? If not this pair of really soft boxer shorts I stole from Benjamin.

THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT?
The Roots: Phrenology

WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
6am

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE?
Microwave

IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Piano

FAVORITE COLOR?
Orange

WHICH VEHICLE DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR, Motorcycle, OR SUV?
Car: Chrysler 300

DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE AFTERLIFE?
No

CAN YOU JUGGLE?
No

FAVORITE CHILDREN’S BOOK?
Blubber

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?
Fall

IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT?
3: Terrill, Survivor, Meka

IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPERPOWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
The ability to manipulate time

ONE PERSON/PEOPLE FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO:
None

WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED?
Everything that won’t fit into my closet.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE DAY?
Saturday

WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SUSHI OR HAMBURGER?
Hamburger

WHO DID YOU RECEIVE THIS FROM?
I stole it from Kelvin

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLOWER?
Gerbera Daisy

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MEAL?
Fried potatoes and onions

WHEN IS YOUR BIRTHDAY?
December 12

DESCRIBE YOUR PJ’s.?
What PJ’s?

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST?
eggs,sage sausage, & oj

DO YOU LIKE YOUR JOB?
Nope

WHAT IS YOUR DREAM JOB?
Writer

WHAT AGE DO YOU PLAN TO RETIRE?
Who knows

WHERE DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
I’m single right now

BONUS: SOMETHING YOU’D LIKE TO DO THAT YOU’VE NEVER DONE BEFORE?
Skinny dip

Sunny Days

2005-04-06T16:17:00.000-05:00

It has been so beautiful outside these last couple of days. I love it. I hope it's going to continue. I love the spring. It's my favorite season next to fall. I can't wait to start doing stuff outside with my son. I bought him a ball and he loves jumping on it and kicking it. It's easier to do it outside not only for him but also for my peace of mind and my furniture. I'm really looking forward to this weekend, it's supposed to be nice and I'm taking a little road trip to NYC. I'm meeting up with a few people I've met online to go shopping and hang out. It should be fun. My new "friend" is coming so I can't act too crazy.

The only downside to this time of year is allergies. They kill me. It seems like allergy season is starting early this year. I usually don't get like this until late May or early June. It's only the beginning of April and I've already started with the itchy, watery eyes and the sneezing and runny nose. My doctor put me on Allegra 3 years ago and I think I've become immune to it. Has anyone else had that problem? It just doesn't seem to work for me anymore. Hopefully when I go for my check-up it he can give me something different.

I guess it's time to go sandal shopping. Any excuse for me to buy new shoes. I love shoes, the higher the heel the better. I'm only 5'1 so I hate wearing flats. I also need a whole new Spring & Summer wardrobe. I'm starting the Mommy & Me swim class at the Y so I need a new suit. I love shopping. I used to shop like I was crazy, but now that I have the Peanut I try to just do one big shopping before every season. I already started his summer shopping and bought him these cute short sets. My friend Mimi is having a baby so I gave a lot of his stuff away and now his dresser and closet look too empty. So now I have to fill it up.

I'm still seriously considering moving to Savannah. If anyone lives there, or close, and can give me some inside info it would be greatly appreciated. I want to cover all my bases before I make a decision this big. I will probably try to make a trip down there in a little while.

Moving out, moving up, moving on...

2005-04-05T10:57:00.000-05:00

So many changes are occurring in my life I don't even know where to start. I guess I'll start with the two job offers I’ve received. I haven't posted that much about how unhappy I am at my job but it's really starting to get to me. It seems like all I do all day is deal with people's pissy ass attitudes and do work that I'm not getting paid enough to do. Why does it seem like when you come to work, do your job, do it well, and act professionally; you don’t get any acknowledgement? But people who come to work late, are loud and obnoxious, and don’t do shit seem to get all the credit. I’m getting tired of my supervisor coming to me to do work that he can’t do but I’m getting paid peanuts. I’m tired of people yelling at me across the office, you have a phone call, instead of calling my extension. I’m tired of hearing the nasty ass girl on the other side of the office, belch, and then say “oh Lord, I’ve got bad guts”, everyday. And I kid you not… It’s everyday. I’m tired of the older lady next to me saying I can’t do this and I can’t do that… you’ve been here over a year wtf? Have some work ethic and learn the shit instead of saying you can’t do it. So I started putting in applications went on some interviews and got a couple of job offers. The only downside is I will be making pretty much the same money that I make here. I didn’t want to do a lateral move to another company. One of the offers is at a dialysis facility. I would love that job but I’ve been there and the smell makes me sick to my stomach. The smell of blood is horrible. I struggled thru that whole interview. I wanted to get out of there so bad. My stomach was churning. I’ve been in dialysis facilities before but they were larger. When I went to Oklahoma for the job I have now, several of the meetings we had were in various dialysis facilities. I never smelled the blood. I don’t know if it’s because they were larger and the offices were in the back or if they were cleaner. All I know is I didn’t smell it. But this particular facility is small and that’s all you can smell from the minute you open the door. I don’t know if I could get used to it. The other position is in our Savannah office. I put in for a transfer to Atlanta but all they have are lateral positions. Our Savannah office has a position that is perfect for me. It’s making a whole lot more money and I will be supervising a small amount of employees. I’m seriously considering that position. I’ve wanted to get out of Delaware for a while. There is nothing here for me except my family. I want to raise my son in a place that has opportunities for him to see and learn new things. I want him to be involved in different clubs and activities and around here he’ll just be playing outside or in the house doing nothing. I don’t want that for him. I have a few days to think about what I’m going to do; hopefully I’ll make the right decision.

I guess the next thing would be that I’m seeing someone. That’s actually a huge thing since I never thought I would again. I thought if things didn’t work out with my son’s father I would just give up on the dating thing and not sweat it. I ran into a guy that I used to go to school with, and who I hadn’t seen since. We were really good friends, I really don’t know how we ended up losing touch with each other. We never did anything but I used to sleep in his bed when my roommate had company. We did a little flirting but he had a girlfriend back home and I was just starting to date Terrill. Nothing every materialized but there was a definite attraction. We had a lot in common and would talk almost every day for at least an hour. He introduced me to go-go music. I had never heard of it before that. I’m still hooked to this day. Anyway I ran into him recently, we went out and have been talking everyday since. I’m taking things slow and not really sweating it. His family has a beach house and I stayed there over the weekend and we had a pretty good time. He wants to meet my son but I don’t play that. The only man that needs to be in Peanut’s life right now is his daddy.

I never thought things would be over between my son’s father and I. Anyone who reads this blog knows that. I wanted it to work out for all of our sakes. But like he told me a long time ago some things just don’t work out.

My baby is still sick. I’m starting to get a little angry about it. I don’t like seeing my child suffer and I feel like he’s not getting the best medical care. They keep telling me conflicting things and I’m starting to get pissed. I don’t like to act up but when it comes to my baby I’ll do what I have to. He’s had the same cold for months. It will get a little better than a little worse but he never completely gets over it. I want to be referred to an allergist to find out what he’s allergic to but they keep telling me to wait until he’s two. January is a long time from now, to long to be watching him suffer. I’m just praying they will be able to do something for him now.

Guess who's back?

2005-03-30T12:39:00.000-05:00

I've been gone for a little bit, but I'm back now. Since I've been gone a lot of things have happened but I'll try to be brief.

First my baby has been sick. He was diagnosed with severe allergies and asthma. On top of that he had an ear infection. He woke up one night crying and out of breath so I had to take him to the hospital. I have never been so scared in my life. He was having an asthma attack but they got in under control. I've had asthma since I was about 3 so I know what a tough road he might be facing. Hopefully this won't hinder him from being active in the future. Now he's on three different medicines and he has to have steroid breathing treatments every night. When my son is sick the world stops. He's responding well to the medicines so that's a blessing. Pray for us.

Easter was fun. It's my favorite holiday and I have so many fond memories of egg hunts and candy filled baskets. On holidays I let Peanut have whatever he wants. I never give him candy and most of foods or snacks he gets are sugar-free, so on the holidays I give him a break. It was so funny because my sister gave him a basket and it had candy in it that was wrapped up, he kept trying to eat the candy, paper and all. He was so handsome in his suit. I'll post the pictures when I get a chance. Benjamin came down and spent some time over my mom's house which is a big thing cause' he doesn't really care for my family and vice versa. It went well so I'm happy about that. I was little nervous.

I have been doing a lot of writing lately as you can tell from the last post. Thank you to everyone who gave me positive comments on it. You are making it easier for me to put my stuff out there. It means a lot to me.

That's all for now. I'll probably post again later about some other things that have been going on both personally and professionally. Until then... have a good one.

I'm also thinking about renaming my blog. The day I set this up I was watching one of my favorite episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I couldn't think of another title so I just went with it. I've been thinking lately that it doesn't really fit and of course it's not very original. Let me know what you think.

invisible

2005-03-29T16:43:00.000-05:00

i used to think love
i used to drink love
i used to want love
i used my cunt love
i did what I had to do to make you stay

i wanted… no i needed you to stay. i thought if you told a joke and i laughed the loudest, if i turned the other cheek when you slapped me then you would stay. if i spread my legs wider and made my pussy wetter, the bitch who keeps calling our house at 3 in the morning would disappear and maybe just maybe you’d stay. i won't show my intelligence. i’ll make you look smarter and i’ll treat you like a king. then you’ll have to stay won’t you? aretha said “give him something he can feel” i’ll give till’ there's nothing left. when you come to my house at 4 in the morning, i won't ask you where you've been for the last few days. i'll kill any urge to ask you if you know what happened to the money that was in my purse. my girls don’t believe you care but you do. they're just jealous of what we have. i know you love me cause' love hurts. you love me like a motherfucker.

i used to think love
i used to drink love
i used to want love
i used my cunt love
i did what I had to do to make you stay

who is this person? who is this bitch with the loud, fake laugh? i turned one cheek and you slapped the other. i made you a king and you ruled over my life, my self-worth, my senses, my being. i spread my legs until my joints ached. and you still didn’t stay. my pussy was so wet it stained the sheets with my shame. and you still didn’t stay. i gave you something you could feel. now i cant feel a thing.

i'm numb.

Big Brother

2005-03-23T12:45:00.000-05:00

In October of 2003 Florida Governor Jeb Bush, acting on an unprecedented statute passed by state legislature called “Terri’s Law”, ordered a feeding tube reinserted into Terri Schiavo. What makes this move so important is a court had previously ordered the feeding tube to be removed six days earlier. Later in a press conference, President Bush said he supported the actions of his brother in the Schiavo case. Gives a whole new meaning to the term “big brother is watching” doesn’t it?

The bill basically says that the governor is not bound by the decisions of the courts. Law professor Steven Gay of Florida State University noted, “The statue tells the governor that he does not have to enforce judicial decisions. That’s sort of George Wallace territory,” referring to the Alabama governor who defied court orders mandating the desegregation of schools.

The legislation passed in the Florida House and Senate and the order issued by Bush are without legal foundation and in conflict with fundamental democratic and constitutional principles. Because Bush is Roman Catholic, and his faith “errs on the side of life”, he says he was “driven” to intervene. What ever happened to the separation of Church and state? Isn’t that one of our most precious Constitutional rights? Doesn’t the First Amendment expressly forbid it?

The bill passed by the legislature applied only to this one case, although it doesn’t mention Schiavo’s name, and allowed Bush to issue a “stay” of a court decision to remove feeding tubes. Such a case-specific bill is considered to be a violation of due process, since laws are supposed to be general. It is not in the power of the legislature to decide cases of fact or determine the fate of particular persons. Otherwise, the foundation of the legal system collapses, since any law can be considered on a case-by-case basis. This is another example of whatever Bush wants, in this case Jeb, Bush gets. It doesn’t matter how many rights or laws are trampled.

The issue at hand is whether her husband Michael Schiavo has the right to have her feeding tub removed. The law says he does. According to the legally established hierarchy of guardianship, if the patient cannot make decisions on their own, and has no living will, then guardianship is transferred to the husband/wife. If the patient has no husband/wife, guardianship is transferred to her children, and if she has no children, then to her parents. Several court-appointed doctors have stated that her condition is irreversible and that her brain damage was so severe that there was no hope she would ever have any cognitive abilities. After her parents released a video, supposedly showing her interacting with them, doctors stated those reactions were just reflexes common in patients who are in persistent vegetative state. In Terri Schiavo’s case the law defers to her husband who has stated that Terri’s wish was not to be on life support or use any drastic measures to save her life. Although she is not terminally ill, she is not able to feed herself, so in her case the insertion of a feeding tube can be classified as drastic measures.

To me this case is no longer about that. Unfortunately it’s bigger than Terri now. Sadly she has become the proverbial poster-woman for right-wing forces, mainly Christian fundamentalists, to exert influence over the Republican Party. They are adding the Schiavo case to a broader campaign to end abortion rights and push for prayer in the public schools. They have long campaigned against the “right to die” on the basis that only God can make decisions on life and death, ironically a belief that does not prevent them from supporting the death penalty.

I am a Christian. No doubt about it. I believe that killing, in most instances, is wrong. I have said to my family a million times; if something happens to me, don’t pull my plug. Don’t touch it. That’s my choice. Dying was Terri Schiavos. How do we know? We can never really know 100% if she had any wishes on the matter. That’s one of the reasons we have laws in the first place. Apparently the Florida Supreme Court agrees, they ruled in September of 2004 that Governor Bush overstepped his authority and declared “Terri’s Law” unconstitutional. Fancy that… a Bush overstepping authority (sorry for the sarcasm).

Fast forward to last week, after leaving his vacation in Texas, President George Bush signed an emergency bill into law that will allow a federal court to review Terri’s case an determine whether or not her feeding tubes should be reconnected. This law called “The Palm Sunday Compromise” (I’ll let that one slide) put the case in the hands of U.S. District Judge James Whittemore. Even some conservatives were unnerved by this move. "To simply say that the 'culture of life,' or whatever you call it means that we don't have to pay attention to the principles of federalism or separation of powers is certainly not a conservative viewpoint," said former Rep. Bob Barr, R-Ga.

"It contradicts a lot of what those behind it say they believe: the sanctity of the family, the sacred bond between husband and wife, the ability of all of us to make private decisions without the hand of government intervening, deference to states and localities as opposed to the centralized government," said Lichtman.

In the last day or so U.S District Judge James Whittemore decided in favor of Terri’s husband Michael, and declined to have the feeding tube reinserted. Her parents appealed to the 11th Circuit Court of Appeals in Atlanta, and they too denied their request. Their only recourse now is to appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court. The Supreme Court has declined to hear the case three times so far.

While I agree with the Court's analysis today, and therefore join in its opinion, I would have preferred that we announce, clearly and promptly, that the federal courts have no business in this field; that American law has always accorded the State the power to prevent, by force if necessary, suicide -- including suicide by refusing to take appropriate measures necessary to preserve one's life; that the point at which life becomes "worthless," and the point at which the means necessary to preserve it become "extraordinary" or "inappropriate," are neither set forth in the Constitution nor known to the nine Justices of this Court any better than they are known to nine people picked at random from the [state capital city] telephone directory; and hence, that even when it is demonstrated by clear and convincing evidence that a patient no longer wishes certain measures to be taken to preserve his or her life, it is up to the citizens [of the state] to decide, through their elected representatives, whether that wish will be honored. It is quite impossible (because the Constitution says nothing about the matter) that those citizens will decide upon a line less lawful than the one we would choose; and it is unlikely (because we know no more about "life and death" than they do) that they will decide upon a line less reasonable.... - Justice Anton Scalia in his concurring opinion

The government is saying our rights are protected because the law passed only has to do with the Schiavo case. My question is what happens when another case comes along that the president feels “strongly about”. How many cases like Terri Schiavos will happen before the government presides over every case? President Bush seems very comfortable, maybe a little to comfortable, abusing his power to forward his own political and religious beliefs regardless of the law or common sense for that matter. He is so comfortable that he doesn’t mind contradicting himself. In 1999, then-Gov. Bush signed the Advance Directives Act, which lets a patient's surrogate make life-ending decisions on his or her behalf. The measure also allows Texas hospitals to disconnect patients from life-sustaining systems if a physician, in consultation with a hospital bioethics committee, concludes that the patient's condition is hopeless. Hypocrisy at it’s finest. I guess it’s like George Orwell said “All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome.”

People are saying that removing her feeding tube would take away her right to die with dignity. Her face is splashed all over the TV, eyes vacant, hands clenched into fists, being used as a political pawn. Where is the dignity in that? To top it off she is now receiving free care at the hospice she is in. Hundreds of thousands of people in the country without insurance and she gets free care.

I understand her parents’ plight to keep her alive. They love her. I can’t say I wouldn’t do the same for my child. I don’t know. What I do know is if the government continues to get involved in our personal lives and affairs we will be facing some very dark times.

R.I.P. JP

2005-03-16T09:34:00.000-05:00

Sophomore year: My best friend Neesha and I go to the Senior dorms to hang out and play spades with a couple of her friends that I had yet to meet. We get there and the first thing I see is this big teddy bear of a guy holding court. He was sitting on a chair and all these people around them were just sitting there listening to him talk. That was my introduction to JP. From that day on we stayed over there. There were many more nights like that, it seemed like everyone came to him for advice or his take on things. Every weekend was spent playing cards & dominos, watching TV, or just joking around and drinking. JP had the kind of personality people would gravitate to. You know the type right? Smart and funny as hell. He could have your sides hurting from laughing so hard. I had what I thought was a secret crush on him for the longest time. I found out later it wasn't as secret as I thought but that's another post all together. He was such a sweetheart. He would help you out in any way he could. He could sing his ass off too. He sounded like Wanya from Boyz II Men. He taught me how to play chess and how to mix drinks. He made me up my spades game cause’ I was used to playing with scrubs. He was just a good guy all around.

He was 33 years old and now he’s gone. I’ll always remember you J. Rest in peace.

Philly fun

2005-03-14T10:36:00.000-05:00

I haven't really felt like blogging in a while. So much has happened in the past couple of weeks, it's been such a drain on me emotionally and physically. I didn’t end up going to Philly the weekend before last, so I went this past weekend. I actually had a good time. We talked and I think we are on the path to getting some things resolved. That's really all I can ask for right now. Just opening the lines of communication and getting some other options on the table made things a lot better. He worked most of the weekend so Peanut and I hung out with his mom and dad. They are really cool people. They’re the parents you wish you had. She’s very supportive of us. They spoil Peanut and love having him there. His mom and I hung out and went shopping. She would be someone I would hang out with even without the connection to Benjamin. She's like a cool older sister. I spent too much money on my son. I love the Children’s Place but I need to stay out. I went in there looking for shoes for Peanut and ended up buying him 6 outfits. Finding cute boy stuff is hard. Most places have amazing clothes for girls and the boy stuff is ugly, but they have a good selection. I don't know why I went to Philly and shopped at a place that we have right here in Dover. The sales tax there is ridiculous. Not having to pay tax here spoils you. You go other places and forget all about it.

My favorite holiday is approaching. I have loved Easter for as long as I can remember. We always do it big on the holidays. House full of people, tables full of food; I have so many wonderful Easter memories. Every year I got a new dress, I got to go to the hair salon and get my hair pressed and curled. I always got the big store-bought baskets with the toys and candy in it. We had an Easter egg hunt and we would stay up all the night before dying eggs. My mom would by the plastic eggs and put money and jelly beans in them and hide them with the real eggs. We still do all of that to this day. This will be Peanuts first Easter egg hunt. I’m gonna help him out and I’m not taking it easy on the other kids. We’re gonna win. It’s actually not supposed to be about winning, just the fun of it, but we’re gonna win anyway. Last year for Easter I dressed Peanut up in a bunny outfit. This year he gets a suit. It’s a three-piece white suit with a light blue vest and tie. He’s gonna be sharp as a tack. I can’t wait.

?????????

2005-03-09T14:04:00.000-05:00

I don't really have much to say. I guess I'll open up the floor for questions again. Is everyone tired of that? I apologize if you are.

So much has been going on lately I can't really put all into words yet.
Thanks for all the nice comments on my baby boy's picture.

Beautiful

2005-03-07T13:55:00.001-05:00

happy happy!

Philly-bound

2005-03-04T15:44:00.000-05:00

I'm going to Philly tonight and I’m not sure if I’m looking forward to it. It’s not that we don’t have a good time; we always have a good time together. It’s just that so much has been going on lately I just feel like throwing in the towel. I’m emotionally drained. He is the one person in my life that can make me happy one minute and make me angry and sad the next. Hopefully it will be ok. It will be fun to see him and Peanut together. He’s never seen him walk before and his parents haven’t seen him since December when I went up there for my birthday. They are cool people so I’m glad they are getting this chance to see him.

He and I had a really deep conversation last night but nothing was solved. You ever have those? Where both of you are saying how you feel and what you want and at the end of the conversation you feel like it was a waste of time. I’m just tired of the situation right now. Not even with him and I but with him and Peanut. I think he needs to spend more time with him, but with him in Philly working full time and me here doing the same it’s impossible. So I suggested he move here. He hates it here though. He’s from Philly where there is always something to do. I mean it’s a wonderful city I can’t lie. I love it there. There is never anything to do here; no culture, no night-life… nothing. But his company has a branch here so he can transfer, and instead of having to go to daycare my son stays with my mother in the daytime which I love. He just doesn’t feel like he’ll be happy here. I can understand that but I feel like when you have kids you do what you have to. He thinks that’s me being selfish and although he wants to take care of Peanut and see him he’s not willing to move here to do it. I think that’s selfish. I guess I should mention that he has a daughter who lives in Philly. He doesn’t want to leave there because he thinks he will never see her. I feel like he always chooses her over Peanut. I also feel like because his daughter’s mother is a bitch, I’m expected to suffer for her shit. I don’t care if this sounds selfish or not… my only concern is Peanut. Period. She doesn’t give a damn about me and my problems, so why should I give a damn about her and hers? She’s not thinking about the fact that Benjamin has a son every time she takes him to court. How much more does she want? She gets so much money in child support it’s ridiculous. I really wish I could post up the numbers, it would make your jaw drop. And she still wants more. She still calls and asks for things. WTF? So I feel like I’m expected to make up for the shit she does. But he doesn’t see that. I’m supposed to just take it and not say anything. I feel like I’m being measured by a different set of standards. So how do I fight for my son, not be a bitch, and not be a doormat? I mean I don’t want to take everything he has. No one should have to work just to pay bills. But I also don’t want me or my son to suffer either. It’s such a mixed up, messed up situation.

Benjamin is so quixotic. I asked him what his ideal situation would be and he says “to have all my kids in one place”. That’s not feasible, so what’s the next best solution? Don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater. He just never sees it. He’s like that with everything. It drives me crazy. Hopefully it will get better with time but right now I don’t see a solid solution on the horizon.

Anyway… I didn’t forget about the book club. I am going to work on it this weekend. Hopefully it will be up and running by Monday. I didn’t get many responses, maybe once we start more people will want to participate.

my son the potty mouth

2005-03-02T15:40:00.000-05:00

I realized yesterday that my son is leading a more exciting life than I am. I mean he goes out everyday and plays, meets new people, learns a ton of new things, and is hugged and kissed and loved all day everyday. Last night I ate leftovers and watched Golden Girls. How crazy is that?

Anyway... he is really walking well now. He walks with his shoulders hunched up, on his tippy toes, then he’ll fall down so fast it’s like somebody shot him. It's so funny and cute. All this walking leaves me wondering what happened to my baby? It breaks my heart to know that I will never have that time again. I used to lay on the couch and fall asleep with him on my chest. Smelling that sweet baby smell and listening to him breathing. Or I would walk around with him on my shoulder while I did things around the house. I miss that. But it's also exciting and fun to teach him new things. Right now we are working on numbers. If you say the number one to him, he will put up one finger. I'm trying to teach him how to say it but we haven't gotten that far yet. However he does say daddy, mama, up, stop (usually while he’s doing something he’s not supposed to), no, Jesus, and shit. If you are doing a double take and re-reading that last statement... no need. My son says shit. The first time I heard him say it I didn't really believe it. I thought maybe he was saying stop. Then he said it again and it came out so clear and loud I was floored. You might be wondering who he heard that particular word from. Guilty! I have the foulest mouth on the planet. I mean it’s legendary. That is one thing I really try to work on but I don't seem to be making any progress. I've had a filthy mouth ever since I was a kid. I think I got it from my father who would cuss you out in a minute. I guess I have to try a little harder not to cuss around my son. I don't want him in church screaming the word shit during the sermon.

Nothing has changed on the relationship front. I’m going up there this weekend so it will be interesting to see how we interact with each other. I really haven’t thought about it too much over the past few days because I’ve been so busy. I actually went on a date. If you really knew me you would understand how big that is, but since you don’t, suffice it to say it’s very big. I was thinking about not going, since I am still in love with Benjamin. I was going crazy thinking about whether I was ready to date someone else, whether I should tell the guy that I was in love with someone else so he wouldn’t think this could go anywhere. Then my friend, God love her, reminded me that it was just a date. But see that’s the crazy thing about it… I’ve never dated. I’ve either been alone or been in a relationship. There was never that dating phase. It just seemed like we were “talking” and then we were together. So this is all fairly new to me. So once I realized that it was just a date and there wouldn’t be any proposals J, I went. I was very upfront about what I was thinking and feeling, not in that scary way of someone who tells you too much, but just in an informative way. He seemed appreciative of my effort to keep him informed and I have to admit it went better than I thought. The conversation was amazing as was the food and the restaurant. I would venture to say he enjoyed himself as well. Except maybe when I spilled water on him. I’m a very clumsy person and when I’m nervous that clumsiness is personified to the nth power. So a little spillage was a given. I guess I should have told him thatJ. The only thing that marred the evening is the guilt I felt. The guilt was there for numerous reasons. First I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I found out Benjamin was on a date with someone, the thousand pieces my heart broke into when we broke up would break into a thousand pieces. I would literally flip the hell out. Secondly, I felt guilty that I left my son with his godmother to go out on said date. Lastly I felt that somehow going out on this date ended all chance of Benjamin and I getting back together. Like it was symbolic or something. A part of me didn’t want to let go of that hope because it’s something I want very much, and a part of me wanted to because holding on to that hope just keeps me stuck. I guess I’ll just keep taking it day by day and see how things go.

Thank you everyone for the positive comments about my poem. I have never posted a poem on my blog because some of them are so personal and also for fear that they aren’t any good. I mean your mom and your sister aren’t exactly non-biased sources. I’ve been writing poetry since I was 7 and have always been a little uncomfortable about sharing that side of myself with others, so your comments were especially encouraging. Thank you!

I just thought of a question… I went out on a date, but I feel that Benjamin would have less to worry about because I would never do anything with someone else as long as I was still I love with him. That’s not fair to me or that other person. But I’m not sure I could say the same. I mean if he went out on a date and the girl offered it up, is he gonna turn it down because he is still in love with me? I don’t think so. I think he feels as long as we are broken up any female is fair game. Does anyone feel there is a double standard when it comes to dating after a break-up?

Melancholy Blues

2005-02-24T10:15:00.000-05:00

I don’t love easy
but I love hard
harder than diamonds
I don’t love smoothly
I do it rough
Like the pain in a Billie Holiday song

Loving you wasn’t in the plan
the plan changed
like the weather
instant
quick
catching me off guard

I was fiercely loyal to myself
to my heart
to my needs and my wants
I betrayed them in favor of you
your heart
your needs
your wants

I don’t love easy
but I love hard
harder than diamonds

Our love is about give and take
I give
give in
give up
you take

they say diamonds are forever
nothing is

I stole this...

2005-02-23T14:39:00.000-05:00

13 Random things you love

1. God
2. my son
3. my family
4. sex
5. shoes
6. writing
7. reading
8. poetry
9. rain
10. sleep
11. food
12. tv
13. music

12 Movies

1. love jones
2. pillow talk
3. willy wonka & the chocolate factory
4. lord of the rings
5. tears of the sun
6. the patriot
7. harlem nights
8. sneakers
9. some like it hot
10. fahrenheit 9/11
11. dodgeball
12. friday

11 Good bands / artists

1. mary j. bilge
2. teddy pendagrass
3. atlantic star
4. earth wind & fire
5. sarah mclachlan
6. mos def
7. queen latifah
8. notorious b.i.g
9. daryl coley
10. mariah carey
11. rare essence

10 Things about you physically / personality

1. intelligent
2. witty
3. 5’1
4. nurturing
5. pessimistic
6. stubborn
7. funny
8. sad
9. happy
10. opinionated

9 Songs for your wedding / anniversary

1. these arms of mine – otis redding
2. loves holiday – earth wind & fire
3. lovers rock – sade
4. adore – prince
5. you – jesse powell
6. higher – d’angelo
7. kissing you – des’ree
8. love of my life – brian mcknight
9. dangerously in love – destinys child

8 Favorite Foods / Drinks

1. potatoes
2. pepsi
3. ben & jerrys vanilla carmel fudge ice cream
4. strawberries
5. watermelon jolly ranchers
6. hot wings
7. macaroni & cheese
8. salad

7 Things you always wear

1. arwen evenstar pendant
2. lip gloss
3. high heels
4. panties/bra
5. tattoos
6. deodorant
7. lotion

6 Pet Peeves

1. people who lie
2. incompetence
3. empty refrigerators
4. being broke
5. using public restrooms
6. arrogant people, especially if they have no reason to be

5 Things you touch everyday

1. my son
2. my phone
3. my tv/dvd player
4. my bathtub
5. my bed

4 Shows you watch

1. curb your enthusiasm
2. girlfriends
3. friends
4. news

3 Celebrities you have a crush on

1. mos def
2. moris chestnut
3. boris kodjoe

2 Current Wishes

1. to be debt free
2. to be happy

1 Person you could spend the rest of your life with
1. My son’s father

non sequitur

2005-02-22T10:14:00.000-05:00

Day 5 in the sleep standoff. I have insomnia. I've had it since I was about 9. Right around the time my mother sent me to live with my dad. I kind of think it's situational. Whenever something stressful is going on in my life it disturbs my sleep. Really disturbs it. The longest I've gone without sleep has been 9 days. You know how you say "I didn't get any sleep last night" but what you really mean is you only got a couple of hours? Insomnia is not like that at all. No sleep means NO sleep. I try laying down, I try listening to music, I try turning up the heat... nothing works. I guess I just have to let it run it's course. Hopefully I'll be getting some sleep tonight.

Don't you just hate the end of relationships? I don't mean the actual breaking up, but the time period after you break up. It's just so sad. Everything is so different. You talk on the phone but it seems like you're strangers. Or you say something and it triggers a memory from when you were together. Or you get off the phone and you can’t say I love you, even though that’s what you’ve always done. It's just so awkward especially if you have a child with that person. I mean you can’t not talk. You have to because of the baby, and then that makes you angry because you have to talk to, and see the person that hurt you over and over again. How do you ever get closure?

You ever lower your standards to be with someone (and I mean really lower them), put up with shit that you would NEVER put up with, and then theybreak up with you? Doesn't that piss you off? Or is it just me?

My supervisor hired a lady from her church last year to work here. She’s one of her mom’s best friends. She does nothing all day but play solitaire and try to get out of work. I think she exerts more effort trying to get out of work, than she would if she actually did it.

My thoughts are non sequitur. That’s what happens when you don’t sleep, that and headaches. Sorry for rambling.

This to shall pass

2005-02-21T11:32:00.000-05:00

Didn't really do anything this weekend but mope around the house. Did the mountains of laundry I should have done last week, and the week before, and... well you get the picture. Cleaned my house from top to bottom and got rid of all the clothes Peanut couldn't fit. I guess the theme of this weekend was cleaning house. In more ways than one I guess. I went thru all the things I've saved from our relationship. The movie stubs, the cards, the little notes he would leave when he left my house after a visit... everything. I started to throw it all away but I realized those things meant enough to me to save them, so I packed it up in a box, taped it and put it in the back of Peanut's closet. I will save those things for him so he can see the love he was created from.

As for me, I guess it's time to get on with it. Last night, after my fourth consecutive sleepless night (more on that later), I was thinking about this situation. I was wondering how I was gonna get thru this mess and if I really could move on. A little voice in my head said one word and I knew eventually I would be ok.

Terrill. It was the second semester of freshman year and I was at a party on campus. It was about six of us that went together. We were all from the same dorm. I didn't feel well so I went back to my room early. About an hour later there was a knock on my door and it was one of the girls that I had gone to the party with. She was in the band and told me that one of her friends from the band had seen me at the party and wanted my number. Of course I said no. I didn't really think that much about it until two days later when this guy calls my room. He asks for me by name but I didn't know him. He told me he saw me at the party and asked my friend for my number but I wouldn't give it to her so he had to get it by other means. To this day, I still don't know how he got it. His name was Terrill. We ended up talking for about 30 minutes, and during those 30 minutes he managed to get on my last nerves. I couldn't wait for that conversation to end. About a week goes by and we are all on the yard and the same girl comes up to me and points Terrill out to me. He was fine as hell, but all I kept thinking about was that conversation. That night I get another phone call, and again he grated on my nerves. We got off the phone and he called me back and hour later. I was all ready to tell him to stop calling me, but then the weirdest thing happened. He asked me my favorite song and I told him, and he put it on so I could hear it in the background. Then we just started talking. We talked for 10 hours that night. I will never forget it. We talked everyday and every night for the next month. We went to the movies; we would meet at the football field at night and just walk the track or sit on the bleachers. We talked about everything. He got to know me and he got me. You know what I mean? You ever meet someone who just gets you? That was Terrill. Needless to say we fell in love. He made me feel beautiful and funny and so many other things I can’t even describe. We had so much passion. We fought hard, made love hard, laughed hard, and loved each other… hard. We were together for five years. May of 99’ he came to stay at my house for the weekend. Friday night and all day Saturday we just chilled at my house, until his friend called us to go out. He wanted us to ride with him to pick up another friend of ours from work. I didn’t feel like it but Terrill decided to go. I was pissed at him cause’ we had plans that night. We got into a big ass argument and I said a lot of stuff to him that I regret to this day. His friend came to my house to pick him up and he left. It was the last time I saw him alive. His grandmother called me around 2am to see if Terrill was with me, and I explained to her that he had left with a friend and probably wouldn’t be back until tomorrow. She told me that she had gotten a call saying he had been in an accident. Of course I thought that was crazy but I called our friends house to see what was going on. No one answered, so I called the local hospital to see if any accidents were reported. There were none so I proceeded to call hospitals in other counties and sure enough there had been an accident. I didn’t even ask who was in the accident, I just knew. I knew it in my bones that it was him and that he wasn’t ok. There were four of them in the truck stopped at a red light, when a stupid bitch in a tractor trailer who didn’t know to stop driving when you are sleepy rammed into the back of the truck. The truck flipped over and exploded. Two got out and two didn’t. He was burned up. It took me an hour and a half to get to that hospital and the whole time I prayed it wasn’t true, that there had been some mix-up. There wasn’t. He was gone. My best friend, my lover, was gone. I cried for 2 weeks straight. I didn’t leave my room I didn’t eat or talk to anyone. I kept replaying in my head that argument we had, and the missed opportunity to tell him one more time that I loved him. I was so depressed I could barely move. I thought I would never get over that pain. But I did. Everyday it got a little better, the pain a little lighter. Everyday I felt a little less hopeless. So last night I was reminded if I could get thru that I can get thru this. Pray for me ya’ll.

Damn Right!

2005-02-21T08:36:00.000-05:00

MVP!

Yesssssssssssssssss!!!!! The East wins an All-Star game after losing 3 years in a row, and Allen Iverson finally gets the respect and recognition he deserves.

I needed this

2005-02-17T15:46:00.000-05:00

I saw this on someone's blog (sorry I couldn't link) and new right away it was meant for me to read. It was meant for me to know. Sometimes you don't know what you need until you get it. I needed this.

LET IT GO FOR 2005... by T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.

I don't want you to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you.

I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you, let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The Bible said that, "they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For if they had been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us."
(I John 2:19)

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay...Let them go. And it doesn't mean they are a bad person, it just means that their part in your story is over.

And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something, I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have, He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat, I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!!

If you are hanging on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to... LET IT GO!!!

If you are hanging on to past hurts and pains...LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you...LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding onto some thoughts of evil and revenge...LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding onto a job that no longer meets your needs or talents...LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude... LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...LET IT GO!!!

If you are stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him...LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship...LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themself... LET IT GO!!!

If you are feeling stressed and depressed...LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying, "take your hands off it," then you need to...LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2005!!! LET IT GO!!!

Get right or Get LEFT...think about it, and then... LET IT GO!!!

That's the way love goes...

2005-02-16T14:38:00.000-05:00

It's been a weird few days for me. Monday I get surprised with flowers, candy and a teddy bear and then Tuesday I am severing the last remaining ties I have to my son's father. Now it's Wednesday, and we are talking about things like visitation and child support. I'm on an emotional roller coaster and I can't wait to get off. Can’t wait until it doesn’t hurt as much. I have never been thru anything like this before. I’m the one who chose to sever our ties, not because I don’t love him, but because I wasn’t happy with the way things are. I’m not comfortable “playing house”. He comes here, or I go there, we hang out like friends, fuck and then go on our merry way. That’s not enough for me anymore. I tried to do it, but I can’t. I need a commitment. I need to know that we are working towards the same goal and I just don’t feel we are. So I walked away. Damn didn’t I just post about that on Monday? Yup. Just like I said then, I don’t feel he’s as tied to me as I am to him. I don’t think he feels he has as much to lose. So I walked away.

He told me yesterday you shouldn't put expectations on people. WTF? To me that's a cop out. To me that's saying "don't put expectations on me cause' I might actually have to make an effort". Why wouldn't I put expectations on him? Why shouldn’t you expect the person your with to do the things that make you happy and not withhold them from you? Especially if you try do them for him. Aren't there expectations in all relationships, romantic or otherwise?

I used to think love conquers all. Maybe that was naive, but I did. I thought if you love someone and they love you, then you can overcome any obstacle. I was wrong. Love isn’t always enough. I guess I’m just old-fashioned. I don’t want to keep starting over. I have only been with 5 people in my life. Four of those were major relationships, all lasting at least 2 years. I don’t like to jump from man to man. I want a home and a family. I want my son to come home from school and see daddy there. Boys need their fathers. Especially these days. They need a man to teach them how to be a man. Someone they can talk to about things they can’t go to their mothers about. I know he can still be in his life but I never wanted it to be part time. I wanted to give him the best possible start in life, and to me that’s mom and dad at home together. I wanted to give him an example of a good relationship. Something he could model his own relationships after. I didn’t have that. I didn’t know what a healthy relationship between a man and a woman was. I had to find out for myself… the hard way. I don’t want that for my son. Now he’s just another little Black boy, from a broken home, being raised by his mother. How cliché. How generic and mediocre. It breaks my heart just thinking about it. And I know that I can raise him on my own, and I know that plenty of successful men come out of broken homes, but why should it have to be that way?

Right now my heart hurts so much I can't even think straight. Sorry for the ramblings. Maybe later I’ll be able to post something a little less depressing

Papa was a rolling stone

2005-02-14T11:39:00.000-05:00

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone. Hope this day brings you passion, romance, and love!

I really didn’t do anything this weekend but clean my house and separate my laundry so I can do it on Wednesday. I finally took the DVD player I got for Christmas back to Target. It’s been acting up since day one but I kept forgetting to take it back. So finally I did. I get the new one home, set it up and it starts acting up just like the old one. My brand new Murphy Brown DVD is stuck in it as we speak. Now I have to go to Target and show my ass cause’ I know they are going to try to make me get another of the same one but I’m not having it. What’s the chance that only two of that brand is defective? I’d be willing to bet they are all crap.

I’m sitting here at work happily typing my post and in walks the florist. I think to myself “so it begins” but low and behold… the delivery is for me. I’m so happy right now my face hurts from smiling so much. He can be so amazing when he wants to be. I’m gonna give him something he can feel when I see him this weekend, best believe it!

I talked to my friend last night for about two hours. She and her husband are separating. They've been married for 6 years but together for 11. She said they had been arguing a lot over the past few weeks about finances, the kids, him going out all night and not calling etc... Saturday he came home after being out all night Friday, packed a bag, told her he "was out" and left. She hasn't heard from him since. Her situation got me to thinking about what it's like to be a man or at the very least what goes thru a man’s mind in a situation like this.

Now I feel there are things that shouldn’t be tolerated in a relationship. Period. For me they’re abuse or disrespect of any kind, continuous infidelity, and lack of communication. I could probably think of more but those are some of the big ones. But I’ve been a witness to their relationship and those things weren’t a factor. Things only started getting bad a few weeks ago when he was laid off. He decided he wasn’t going to look for a job and just sit on his ass all day and party all night. Their finances started declining and the arguments started and then bam! he’s gone. How do you just walk away from someone you've been with over a decade without so much as a tear, an explanation, or some hesitation? I've been the woman who was walked away from, and I’ve been the woman who walked away. The difference is, when I walked away, I honored what we had and I honored the reasons we were together in the first place. I've been that woman calling my girlfriends to see if maybe they could shed some light on what I might not be seeing because of my pain and I've been the one to go over in my head what possibly could have caused him to walk out. To me that’s disrespect. Have the common courtesy to tell me why you left. Don’t just assume I know. Don’t just assume that a few arguments would have been clues to foretell your leaving me. Why does it seem like some men can walk away from their women, from their children, from their homes seemingly without so much as a second thought?

I mean I understand that sometimes relationships just don't work out. Some things just aren't meant to be. I also know that women are not the easiest people to deal with. But why does it seem like it’s easier for the man to walk away than the woman? I'm a pretty independent person. I can be alone. Sometimes I prefer it. I'm not a woman has to have a man, and I'm not a woman who doesn't want a man either. I fall right in between. I think the right man can be complimentary to my life. But I want a man who is just as tied to me as I am to him. I don't mean rolling around on the floor begging 'please baby don't go', but I want someone who is just as committed to our relationship as I am. Someone who feels he has just as much to lose if he walks away from me as I do if I walk away from him. Is it that men feel what we feel but are to ashamed to admit it? Is it easier for them to walk away than drop their pride or is it simply that they don’t care as much, they don’t invest as much? Let me know what you think.

About the book club, I figured I would start a new blog under this one and use that to discuss our books. I'm gonna start working on that today or tomorrow. If anyone has a suggestion for naming the new blog let me know. Also we need to come up with the first book.

St. Bitter-tine's Day

2005-02-09T13:31:00.000-05:00

This Valentine's Day will be spent with my son. The only person I'm involved with romantically (and I use that term very, very loosely) is my son's father and he's gone back to Philly. So Peanut is my Valentine this year. How pathetic is that?

I know Valentine's Day is just one day, and I know it's been commercialized and maybe it shouldn't matter to me if I don't get anything...but it will. I'm not gonna lie. I have never had a good Valentine's Day. Ever. What makes that statement even sadder is that I've had a boyfriend, with the exception of last year, for the past few years. We either ended up arguing and didn't celebrate or he had to work.

Everyone says it doesn't matter, but how many of you deep down inside get a little jealous every time the florist shows up at your job with flowers and teddy bears for some other chick? I know I do and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Ok maybe a little. But let's be real about the shit. No matter how much I try not to, every time the door opens to my office, I get a little twinge of anticipation. And every time the delivery guy says someone else’s name, I get a little twinge of jealousy and disappointment. I can't lie...I want it to be me. I'm not a materialistic person. Anything I want, I can buy it for myself, but on Valentine's Day I want the dozen roses sent to my job. I want the big ass teddy bear and the balloons. I want the romance and the dinner by candlelight. I don't care if it's fish sticks and french fries. Put that shit on the good china and light some candles.

Anyway...

Last night my baby was sleeping and I hear this noise, so I go in to check on him and he was laughing... in his sleep. He was cracking up like he was at a comedy club. It was too cute. Of course my camcorder wasn't charged so I missed it. I am such a scatterbrain when it comes to stuff like that. When I first found out I was pregnant I put a camcorder on my list for Christmas. I just knew I was going to record every moment, every milestone. Half the time I don't even remember to charge the thing up. I even forgot to bring it to his birthday party.

I’ve been thinking about starting a book club for bloggers. I'm not sure where to begin so if anyone has any suggestions they are welcome. Maybe we can vote on a book to read and then discuss it on one central blog. Or anyone who participates could suggest a book too. These are just ideas off the top of my head. I read a lot and I love to discuss the books I read so I figured this would be a good place to do it. Let me know what you think.

Peanut's First Birthday

2005-02-08T10:53:00.000-05:00

I'm 1 today!

Here are pics from my baby's first birthday party. He is such a character. So much personality. His facial expressions crack me up on the regular. As my Jewish friend would say he's got chutzpah!

Bush, Burberry, Potty Training & Cotton-headed daydreams ....

2005-02-07T13:22:00.000-05:00

Ok, my plan was never to blog about Bush again. I figured he won a second term so I might as well suck it up and deal with it, and be happy in the knowledge it was only 4 more years. But after seeing the proposed budget and some of the early details that are emerging I cannot sit in silence. The President is committed to this war. He's not going to admit it was a mistake and he isn't going to pull out anytime soon. This war is costing the US about a billion dollars a week and that figure is only going to get higher. So now in order to balance the cost of the war, he is cutting vital programs. One-third of the programs being targeted for elimination are Educational Programs. So much for No Child Left Behind. It was already under funded, and now he is seeking to decrease that funding even more. He's already made it damn near impossible to qualify for Medicaid and is now proposing to restrain Medicaid growth even further. There are already too many American's without healthcare and you want to make it harder? What the fuck? What happens when you're not old enough for Social Security and your working a job with no benefits like my mom? You're ass out, that's what. I have to say he did do a few positive things. He increased Pell Grants, and is giving more support to high-school programs, job-training efforts, and community health clinics. That's fine but it's not enough. It's not enough for the millions of people without healthcare, it's not enough for the poor, it's not enough for the farmers who's aid is being cut. It's exclusionary and it's not enough. Instead of funneling more and more money into this fucking war, into Defense and Homeland Security invest it in our schools, our youth, and our elderly. I'm not saying Homeland security programs aren’t important, they are, but they aren’t the only programs that are. Conveniently left out of the budget were the cost of the war, overhauling Social Security, the long-term costs of making his tax cuts permanent, and the stupid-ass AMT. Once again he is giving American’s his version of the truth. During his State of the Union address he said, “America’s prosperity requires restraining the spending appetite of the federal government.” “The principle here is clear: a taxpayer dollar must be spent wisely, or not at all.” What he meant is a taxpayer dollar must be spent his way or not at all.

He is also proposing a five-year budget instead of a 10-year plan, which is customary. So we won’t even feel the impact of his budget until he is out of office, and when we do it won’t be pretty. Sen. Kent Conrad of North Dakota, the top Democrat on the Senate Budget Committee, called Bush's budget the "tip of the iceberg" because once beyond its five-year window "the cost of everything he advocates just explodes."

I keep hearing Bush talk about Iraq's future. What I want to know is what do you see for America’s future? What legacy are you leaving for my son? What future does he have?

I usually don't wear perfume. I use Coast or Lever 2000 soap, and I love the fresh, clean smell it leaves on my skin. I also use cocoa and mango butter. I use it all year around. It’s natural and it smells amazing. During Christmas I was out shopping for perfume for my mom and sister. I was going from counter to counter smelling the different fragrances when I came across Burberry London. Oh my God. I have never smelled anything like it. I fell in love with it instantly. I can’t even describe it. Benjamin bought me some when he came down here last week and I’ve been wearing it ever since. It makes me feel grown and sexy when I wear it. A little bit feisty too. It’s so sensuous and sexy smelling. Makes me think of spoken-word, jazz, Zanzibar blue, and making love in the rain.

I am about to start potty-training my Peanut. How I’m going to accomplish this is beyond me because he won’t sit still for a second. I am imagining him running around butt-booty naked, piss and shit all over my house and me running behind him trying to clean it up. Wish me luck yall.

I have a sinus infection. My head feels like it’s packed with cotton and my eyes hurt like hell. I have been sick the majority of the winter. I’m sick of being sick. I'm daydreaming about someplace warm where Peanut and me can play on the beach and lay in the sun. I can partake of fruity drinks with umbrellas in them and be waited on hand and foot by an oiled-up native. Until then I guess I’ll be sucking down the Tylenol.

Peanut's first haircut

2005-02-07T12:21:00.000-05:00

Why are you doing this to me?

I wanted to cry just as much as he did. He looks so much older now. Where did my baby go?

Chuck E Cheese sucks!

2005-02-03T11:41:00.000-05:00

I've been on vacation.....from everything. I didn't do anything all week but sit on my ass, shop, play with my son and his father, and eat. It was great!

Sunday was my Benjamin's first birthday. The party at Chuck E Cheese was pretty much a flop, because he was sick and didn't want to do anything but sit on my lap with his head on my shoulder. He didn't want to play, or ride the rides...nothing. He got a shitload of stuff though. His closet is full of clothes. He has so much stuff, I'm going to give some of it away to the Salvation Army. He'll never play with it all, we still have stuff from Christmas not opened. All the other kids enjoyed the party except when Chuck came out. They were scared out of their minds. It was so funny. I was laughing my ass off. Next year will be better because he'll be able to run around and enjoy things more.

The waitress pissed me off. First off when you have a party there they have a timetable they follow. They have it written down and everything. I wasn't aware of it until the day of the party. She comes up to me and says "at 10 minutes after you need to round up all the kids and bring them to the table to eat. At 20 minutes after I will bring out the drinks and fill their cups so they can drink" ... so forth and so on. So I told her I didn’t want to go by a timetable. Just bring out the pizza and drinks and they will eat when they want to. So she has the balls to say to me "who are you to say that? it's not your say how the party goes, it's mine. I'm the hostess". I was pissed. I spent my money to have a party here, I will have the party the way I want to. I rented the tables for 90 minutes. As long as I stay within those 90 minutes then that's all that matters, and I walked away from her. So that was strike #1. Strike #2 came when I asked her to bring out the ice cream. She tells me it's not time for the cake and ice cream because Chuck is about to come out. So I ask her “are we going to keep running into problems like this all night?” I asked for my ice cream to be brought out from the back and that's what I want. Period. I don't care if Jesus is about to come out bring me my shit. So she goes and gets the ice cream. When she comes back to the table she opens up the cake box, lifts the cake out of the box and then gets a knife and proceeds to cut the cake. WTF??? I don't need you to cut my cake, I can cut it myself. Who are you to cut the cake that I bought? So she says "we usually cut the cake". I just ignored her. But she kept asking me "do you want me to cut the cake". I mean how many times do I have to say no? Finally she backed off. That was strike #2. I was waiting for strike #3 so I could really go off on her. I was itching to get the chance. But the shift changed and I got another "hostess" to help with the end of the party. She was lucky. How are kids supposed to have fun if everything is so regimented? Let them run around and eat candy and cake and be kids. That’s the point of me having the party there and not my house. So they could run around like sugar-addicted maniacs. Is their motto "where the hostess can be a bitch" or “where a kid can be a kid”? I think that’s the last party I will be having at C.E.C.

My son’s father sent me flowers on Friday. We hadn’t talked since that conversation I mentioned in my last post. I guess he thought he would smooth things out before he came down here. It didn’t work, although he thinks it did. I just decided not to make a big deal out of it right now. He came down here to spend time with our son for his birthday, so I let it go. For now. I just don’t look at him the same after that conversation. I don't know if I can trust him like I did before it happened. It’s not something that I will get over anytime soon. All the flowers in the world won’t change it. Only time will. It was a nice gesture on his part so I accepted them and let this week be about our son. But when he goes back home I think I need some space to really think things over.

Aint' this some shit?

2005-01-27T16:37:00.000-05:00

~People that try to borrow money from you, when they already owe you money.
~People that have had said money so long, you have to borrow it back.
~People who call you, hang up before you can get to the phone, but don't answer when you call them RIGHT back.
~People who lie for no reason.
~People who come up to your desk and stick there nasty hands into your potato chip bag without asking.
~People who cut the cake at office parties, and lick their fingers in between slices.
~Being smarter and more qualified than your supervisor.
~People at work interrupting you and calling you all the way down the hall to come look at pictures of their dogs.
~People eavesdropping on your personal conversations and then having the balls to comment on them.
~People who wear sandals/summer gear in the winter, and then complain all day about how cold they are.
~One person in the office controlling the heat for everyone because she has hot flashes.
~People with bad breath who insist upon talking less than an inch away from your face.
~People who dig in their ass/nose in public
~Coming out of the bathroom stall the same time as a co-worker, watching her walk out without washing her hands, and being stuck with the knowledge that she has served you food or touched you before.
~People who come to work with dog/cat hair all over them.
~People who steal your lunch out of the fridge and act like it was a simple case of mistaken identity.
~People who blow smoke up your ass instead of saying 'I don't know'.
~People who spray perfume/cologne over funk.
~People who borrow your pen and then chew on the cap.
~People who borrow your pen and then dig in their ears with it.

The Art of War

2005-01-25T13:16:00.000-05:00

Sun-Tzu The Art of War Chapter 6: Weakness & Strength

Generally the one who first occupies the battlefield awaiting the enemy is at ease; the one who comes later and rushes into battle is fatigued.

Therefore those skilled in warfare move the enemy, and are not moved by the enemy.

Getting the enemy to approach on his own accord is a matter of showing him advantage; stopping him from approaching is a matter of showing him harm.

Therefore, if the enemy is at ease, be able to exhaust him

If the enemy is well fed, be able to starve him

If the enemy is settled, be able to move him

Appear at places where he must rush to defend, and rush to places where he least expects.

I try to apply much of this philosophy to daily life. The word enemy can be easily replaced with boss, co-worker, friend, or lover. To me this chapter is about emotional and mental preparedness. I grew up in a household where tears and excuses were not tolerated. Where strength was rewarded and weakness was punished. Where being right was important and winning was everything. I think in a way it stunted my emotional growth but I also feel it prepared me for the cruelties and unfairness of life. I try to always be the one with the upper hand. “Therefore those skilled in warfare move the enemy, and are not moved by the enemy.” Words to live by, don’t you think?

I don't like to be surprised or unprepared. To be prepared for anything is a skill that takes a lot of hard work to sharpen and can never be mastered. But still I try. To me mental preparedness is important if you don't want to go thru life dumbfounded.

The only place I fail, and miserably I might add, is in relationships. When it comes to relationships, I find myself flailing and struggling to keep up with all the little things you have to maintain to make them successful. In relationships people often surprise me and have me scrambling to find my footing. I hate that feeling. All the little idiosyncrasies people have, the character flaws, the emotional baggage, are very hard for me to handle because I always believe the best about someone and when I see the worse it really devastates me. My biggest problem is expecting from others what I would give. In doing so I am disappointed 90% of the time.

Maintaining friendships are like a full time job. Especially with women. Friendships with women can be the most fulfilling things you will ever have in your life. There is nothing like having a good girlfriend to talk to and shop with and tell your secrets too. But there is a flip side to that. Usually in relationships with females you have to constantly be aware of her feelings. It's like navigating a land mine. One wrong step and you're obliterated. I was listening to the radio the other day and for some reason they were talking about the show Golden Girls. One of the radio personalities said she told her girlfriends that's how they would be when they got old, and the other guy said "Black women don't stay friends that long". It really got me to thinking about it. I have lost so many good girlfriends over dumb stuff it's not even funny. Friends that I’ve known since grade school and we fell out over money or he said she said shit. Things that shouldn't even matter. For me it is difficult to deal with the little necessities and intricacies of friendships. I’m better with the tangible things. Need to borrow money? If I have it, it's yours. Need me to baby-sit? Bring the rugrat over. Need a place to stay? Come on in. All the major crises my friends face, they know to call me cause' I'm there. I will give them my last. It's the emotionality of friendships that I struggle with, the words of encouragement, the shoulder to cry on. If my friend comes to me crying because she lost her job, it is hard for me sit and listen to her cry about it, I want to get the want ads and start looking. I want to get online and help get her resume together. That's my way of showing I care. I've lost friendships over my perceived nonchalance. It's not that I don't care; I just show that I care differently, the only way I know how really. Is this some kind of flaw in my character? I mean shouldn't I be able to deal with the complexities of friendships? I have a few good girlfriends who really understand me and take me for who I am, and I am so grateful for them. But sometimes I feel like I have missed out on a lot.

Having said all that, the question that keeps ringing in my head is:

Are relationships hard for other Black women or is it just me?

Brain freeze, Barney, & Contempt

2005-01-24T13:21:00.000-05:00

Damn it's cold. I'm freezing my ass off. If it gets any colder I'm moving. I would rather be cold than hot, any day, but this is ridiculous. Anytime you get brain freeze from being outside, something’s not right.

Not to much has been going on with me. Still preparing for my son's first birthday party on Sunday. I’m so excited. It's amazing how expensive a birthday party can get if you don't control yourself. I had to snap back to reality the other day at the party supply store. Anything that had Barney on it, I just put it in the cart. The price was irrelevant. The sky is the limit for my baby’s first birthday. Don't bring me just any Barney balloon, bring me the life-sized talking balloon. Paper cups? For my Peanut? Bring me the glass ones in the shape of Baby Bop. That is until I got to the register. $167.36? WTF? Am I crazy? Damn near $170 in cups and shit. I walked my happy ass back to the aisle, put everything back, and started over. Got some cups, plates, tablecloth, party hats, streamers... $69.20. That's more like it. I'll get the rest from Wal-Mart. As long as it's purple no one will know.

My baby walked last night. He's taken tentative steps before, but last night he walked from my sister all the way across the kitchen floor right into my open arms. Then I cried. Not because he could walk but because he's not my baby anymore. I know he's only one but this is just the beginning. First walking, then running, then preschool, kindergarten. What's next, beer... cigarettes? Why can't they stay this size forever? He's already so independent it scares me. He doesn't even want me to hold him most of the time. It's crazy. I miss my baby. But I'm so thankful, he's happy and healthy.

I've been going thru with my son's father lately. The other day we had a conversation that made me look at him differently. Those of you who have read my blog know that I think the world of him. He's been a truly amazing force in my life. But this conversation made me hate him. Made me feel like I couldn't trust him. I'm sad about that. I never thought I would be able to feel that way about him. Loyalty and trust are the two most important things to me in any relationship. Even in friendships. It's simple with me, either you're for me or you're against me. Period. That's how I am in all my relationships. If someone I love doesn't like you than I don't like you. Simple as that. If you have a problem with my family than you have a problem with me. Loyalty is something I find lacking in a lot of people I've come across and I simply won't tolerate it. The conversation I had with my son's father made me feel like he wasn't on my side and that made my insides churn. He said things that I never thought he would say and now I'm left with this bad taste in my mouth, and try as I mite I can’t seem to get rid of it. I'm trying to be rational and not let this one thing erase all the good he's done, but that's hard for me. Usually it's one and done. You have one time to disrespect me, one time to betray me, one time to hurt me… one time and I'm done. That's it. I will walk away from you so fast you'll wonder if I was ever really there. I don't give a frogs fat ass about the consequences. So right now I'm struggling with my old self and the person I am trying to become. A person who forgives for mistakes and gives second chances. Pray for me yall.

Well it's official

2005-01-20T17:00:00.000-05:00

Today Bush is being sworn in for his second term, and I am just as disgusted as I was for the first. So in honor, I am reposting one I did in September.

Disenfranchised

I usually don't talk politics. I think it's a very personal matter. I don't ask people who they vote for, or even if they are Democrat or Republican. I do however think it's important to vote. I've always felt strongly about that, but I’ve never felt as strongly as I do this year. I am a Democrat, whatever that means. What it doesn't mean is I won't vote for a Republican candidate if one comes along that I can believe in. Having said that, I can't believe anyone, Republican or otherwise would vote for Bush/Cheney this upcoming election. Bush is a liar. Plain and simple. He lied about the reason he went to war and he continues to lie about it even after everyone else has found out the truth. There were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. He knew it and his administration knew it. I have a theory that some Presidents secretly want a war during their term. Especially if things aren't going so well. Nothing like a war to make Americans forget the real issues. And you know what pisses me off? This administration and its supporters are giving the impression that anyone who speaks negatively about the war is unpatriotic or doesn't support our troops. I love this country. Wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I also support our troops, they are doing something I couldn't do and wouldn't unless I was forced to. Speaking up about the negative effects of the war on this country doesn't make me unpatriotic, it makes me American. Freedom of speech, remember? Our troops are over there for the wrong reasons; fighting a fight they can't win. This war is our generations Vietnam. This isn't the Wild Wild West where you can just ride into town on the white horse and shoot all the bad guys in black. It's a little more complicated than that. These days it's hard to tell who the good and bad guys are, so you can't just charge in guns blazing. It's like Bush is living out some childhood Cowboy and Indians fantasy. The evidence that he and his henchmen are taking this country on a slow ride to destruction is all around us. The job market is virtually nonexistent, healthcare costs are increasing, fuel prices are increasing, his incompetence is increasing and my anger is increasing. He's destroying our hard-cultivated relationships with the rest of the world, and making a mockery out of the United Nations. And you know the biggest reason I'm angry? Where the hell is Osama Bin Laden? How come his name hasn't been mentioned in months? Did Bush forget 9/11? Did he forget that not only was Bin Laden one of the masterminds behind the mission, he funded it also? The war in Iraq is a pitiful ruse to keep our minds off the real issues. Bush is pushing his own agenda under the guise that it's what's best for the American people. He's playing on our fears. Terrorism has become this administrations buzzword. Say terrorism and we immediately conjure up images of firemen and police officers digging thru the wreckage of the World Trade Centers. Mr. President, why has your administration lost almost 2 million jobs and fallen short of your employment prediction by almost 7 million? Terrorism. Mr. President, since you took office, 5 million Americans have lost their health insurance. Today, one in seven (45 million) Americans has no health coverage. Why? Terrorism. Mr. President why has your administration failed to provide the promised resources necessary for schools to meet the requirements of the No Child Left Behind Act, underfunding your own law by $27 billion? Terrorism. Mr. President... well you get the picture. And what ever happened to separating church and state? Bush is shoving his own religious beliefs down our throats. It's evident in his stance on gay marriages. I am proudly heterosexual. I don't know if being gay is wrong, in my opinion that's for God to judge. What I do know is it's wrong for the government to tell homosexuals they can't marry. Because the issue isn’t about homosexual marriage, it's about civil liberties. If the government can tell gays they can't marry who's next? A black person can't marry a white person? A Catholic can't marry a Jew? Sound crazy? Well think about it. The very definition of civil liberty is EQUAL protection under the law - EQUAL treatment regardless of race, sex, religion or national origin and your right to privacy and freedom from unwarranted government intrusion into your personal and private affairs. This goes to the very heart of the Constitution. If these rights are threatened then the cornerstone of American politics and democracy is threatened. Think about all those priceless freedoms we cherish in our country. Aren't they what make our country different from so many others?

So as election day draws near, really think about what's at stake here. It's not just partisan, it's not just about the have's and the have not's. It's not just about black and white, old or young, gay or straight, male or female. It's just about FREEDOM.

Answers...

2005-01-20T13:04:00.000-05:00

Apocalypse:

~That's a hard question to answer because there are so many things I want to accomplish with my life.
~Being a good parent and helping my son grow into a capable, positive, productive member of society is right up there at the top.
~Being happy and contented and having no regrets or doubts is another.
~Womanhood....it's almost indescribable, but I see it in my mother, in my grandmother, in my aunts. It's that sexiness, that confidence, that spirit, that.....like I said it's hard to describe.
~Career/school... I want to go back to school and get my masters degree and continue in social work.
~I've always wanted to write a novel and publish a book of my poetry.
~If I were to leave this earth right now I want the people most important to me to be able to say that they knew I loved them, that I always tried my best, and that I was a good person with an open heart.

That's such a small part of the things I want to accomplish but you get the picture:)

Toya:

~My favorite movies are:
Romance: Love Jones/Disappearing Acts
Fantasy: Lord of the Rings Return of the King
Comedy: Harlem Nights
Drama: Rosewood/A Raisin in the Sun/Kids
Action: The Last Castle/Tears of the Sun/ The Patriot
Documentary: Fahrenheit 9/11
~My favorite color is orange
~I am in love now, deeply in love, and it's a bitch! :)
~Favorite food is any kind of potato
~Favorite restaurant is Zanzibar Blue
~I just want to be happy in 10 years. Raising my son, living my life, making my money, taking care of my business.

Sorry about the long favorite movie list, I just couldn't name one, and I still could have added more:)

DaKelzz:

~New York
~Red
~Jesus, silly! :)
~Yes one more, but only if I can be guaranteed another boy:)

The Humanity Critic:

~I still want to be a case manager, just somewhere different.
~Only 3? Damn, that's a hard one. I guess it would have to be My Life-Mary J. Blige, Who is Jill Scott, my mixed slow jam/old school rap CD that Benjamin made for me. Ha so there!

Belle

~My biggest mistake would be not speaking to my mother for over 3 years.
~Excellent question. Hmmmmm.....Blubber by Judy Blume. It was first book I ever read. I was in the third grade and I read it cover to cover in three days. I loved it so much I begged my mom to buy me Freckle Juice. After that I was hooked on reading. Reading relaxes me, inspires me, makes me laugh, sometimes even cry, most of all it makes me think. And I owe it all to Blubber.
~The perfect date to me would include stimulating, easy conversation, a little romance, and a lot of fun. It could be a Sixers game or a romantic restaurant, as long as it has those three things it's all good to me. A little kissing never hurt either:)
~I would love to say that as long as the female loves him and treats him right it doesn't matter, but I would be lying. Coming from a family of strong, faithful, funny, caring, wonderful, loving Black women, I see so many benefits for him to date a Black woman. In my opinion no one can understand a Black man, like a Black woman. Some things are just understood between our people. It doesn't have to be spoken because we come from the same place. We all have our gettin in trouble in church stories, our Big Mama stories, our getting our ears burnt while our mom hot combed our hair stories, our Uncle Junebug stories.....u get the picture. Having said all of that, if he does decide to date outside his race I will accept it and not treat the young lady any differently for it.
~Africa, for obvious reasons.

Soulful:

~Change my past
~"I hate you" being the last words I said to my ex, before he was killed in a car accident.
~Deaf
~Trusting people who weren't trustworthy. Just like my mama says "everyone that smiles at you aint your friend".

Thank you guys for all your questions. Sorry for the long-winded answers. Blessings

Hello

2005-01-17T16:06:00.000-05:00

As you know I haven't been posting, because I have writers block. I still do but I'm going to try to put something down so people won't lose interest in my blog. If in fact anyone has any interest in my blog.

First off, I've been planning the hell out of my son's first birthday party. It's going to be at Chuck E. Cheese. I started to have it at my place, but I realized I didn't want a bunch of screaming rugrats who are hopped up on sugar destroying my house. So Chuck E. Cheese it is. Let them eat cake!

All the decorations are Barney since Peanut is addicted to him. He even recognizes the purple DVD case the movie is in. As soon as I pull it out of my cabinet he starts laughing and clapping. Silly Peanut! I have so much left to do and the party is less than two weeks away. I was originally inviting 20 kids and 10 adults, but when I went online to book it, they only had room for 10 kids and 10 adults, so I had to take what I could get. I was a little pissed about that, but now I don't give a damn what Chuck says, I sent out 20 invites. What are they gonna do kick us out? Please Chuck don't kick us out.

I am so upset about my job situation right now. I'm so mad I don't know if I can accurately describe what's going on so I won't even try. Suffice it to say, I'm going be looking elsewhere for employment.

I've been seeing a lot of Q&A posts and since it was like pulling teeth to write the little bit that I did, I will open up the floor for questions. Ask me anything and I will answer your questions as promptly as I can. Not to sound like a loser, but if no one asks me a question I'm going to feel like the fat kid who gets picked last in gym class.

I HAVE A DREAM

2005-01-17T14:36:00.000-05:00

Martin Luther King Jr.

I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languishing in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. So we have come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.

In a sense we have come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked "insufficient funds." But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. So we have come to cash this check -- a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice. We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quick sands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. Those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. There will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.

We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force. The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny and their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom. We cannot walk alone.

As we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall march ahead. We cannot turn back. There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. We can never be satisfied, as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We can never be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.

Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed. Let us not wallow in the valley of despair.

I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; one day right there in Alabama, little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope. This is the faith that I go back to the South with. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring."

And if America is to be a great nation this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!

Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado!

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California!

But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia!

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, When we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

Out of the mouth of Bush.......

2005-01-14T10:06:00.000-05:00

"Sometimes, words have consequences you don't intend them to mean," Bush said Thursday. " 'Bring 'em on' is the classic example, when I was really trying to rally the troops and make it clear to them that I fully understood, you know, what a great job they were doing. And those words had an unintended consequence. It kind of, some interpreted it to be defiance in the face of danger. That certainly wasn't the case."

In the week after the Sept. 11 attacks, Bush was asked if he wanted Bin Laden, the terrorist leader blamed for the attacks, dead.

"I want justice," Bush said. "And there's an old poster out West, that I recall, that said, 'Wanted, Dead or Alive.' "

Recalling the Bin Laden remark, Bush said Thursday: "I can remember getting back to the White House, and Laura said, 'Why did you do that for?' I said, 'Well, it was just an expression that came out. I didn't rehearse it.'

Blocked

2005-01-10T13:28:00.000-05:00

I have writers block. I can't think of anything to write. Actually I've thought of a million things to write and that's the problem. To many thoughts. Nothing seems to materialize. The only thing I am able to write about is not being able to write.

Thank you Bill.....

2005-01-05T16:41:00.000-05:00

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."
Bill Cosby

Amen. I am such a people pleaser. Sometimes I find myself sparing other people's feelings at the expense of my own. When I saw that quote it really hit home with me. I have to change my behavior. I can no longer sacrifice what I want and need to make others feel good. I do this a lot with my mother and my sister. Because they are so important to me I don't stand up for myself with them. I stand up for myself with my friends and Benjamin but for some reason when it comes to my family I just can't. I don't like to make my mom upset. She has such sensitive feelings sometimes. Lately I've been thinking that she uses that as a way of not having to be accountable for the things she says and does. She's a good person, don't get me wrong. She's wonderful. She's been there for me when no one else was, but I think she likes to avoid reality. I think she can dish it out but can't take it. So I'm going to start finding a non disrespectful way of letting her know that she's pissed me off. Same with my sister. It seems as though she thinks the world revolves around her. If it does, I didn't get that memo. She's wonderful too. I never met someone so generous. But at the same time she's so self centered its unreal. I love them both dearly but something has to give or I'm gonna snap out. I don't let anyone walk all over me. Not my friends, not my man, not the people at work, so why I do it with my family is beyond me.

Tomorrow I will post all of my resolutions......until then Happy New Year!

Peanut's first Christmas

2005-01-04T10:05:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year

2005-01-03T08:58:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year everyone. May this new year bring you all you want and need.

Blessings

Shirley Chisholm

2005-01-03T08:48:00.000-05:00

I ran for the Presidency, despite hopeless odds, to demonstrate the sheer will and refusal to accept the status quo." "The next time a woman runs, or a black, a Jew or anyone from a group that the country is 'not ready' to elect to its highest office, I believe that he or she will be taken seriously from the start."

Shirley Chisholm never accepted she was less than because she was Black or because she was a woman. She had courage to face and beat the odds, becoming the first Black woman elected to Congress, and later the first black person to seek a major party's nomination for the U.S. presidency. She personified strength and dignity, never entertaining the thought that she couldn't be all she wanted. Her sheer will and determination are legendary. Her accomplishments have left an indelible legacy for Black women and politics.

Rest in Peace.

Nothing much going on....

2004-12-31T07:50:00.000-05:00

I had the flu. If you've never had the flu, then get on your knees right now and thank God. This is my first time having it, and I don't think I have ever felt worse. I've had pneumonia, laryngitis, asthma attacks......nothing compares to the flu. I don't even want to think about it anymore. Yikes!

I managed to write a little bit about my Christmas. I really haven't been up to much since then. Just trying to get well. I can't believe it's about to be 2005. This year flew by. My son is 11 months now and I just can't believe it. He's so big. I can't wait for his birthday next month. I'm going all out. I've already started planning it.

I don't think I'm doing anything this New Years. I was thinking about going to Philly to spend time with my son's father but I really don't feel like it. I might go to church, or just stay home and ring in the New Year with my son.

Flu

2004-12-30T17:02:00.000-05:00

Damn, damn, damn!

Christmas

2004-12-27T12:31:00.000-05:00

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas!

My whole week was hectic. Being the last minute shopper that I am, I ended up shopping all the way up until the deadline. By deadline I mean, every store was closed except for WaWa and I couldn't find anything there for gifts. I've had about 3 hours of sleep in the past 3 days, so I'm tired as hell. All bitching and moaning aside, I had a wonderful Christmas. I got pretty much everything I wanted, and my son cleaned up. I won't have to buy him anything until the summer. He got so many toys and clothes it was unreal. He still hasn't gotten everything, because he hasn't been to Philly yet to see his dad and grandparents. Of all the toys he got, he only wanted to play with Elmo. The one where he spells his name out and does the movements like he's singing Y.M.C.A. He loves that thing. I'm tired of hearing it. I wanted to pitch myself off a roof after the 300th time he played it. I spent over $700 on my son for Christmas, and the only thing he played with was a $12 Elmo doll.

Dinner was good. I burnt the rolls though. I forgot they were in the oven. I made cookies from scratch and everyone loved them. Christmas morning we all got up took showers and put our pajamas back on. That's pretty much how we stayed all day, which I loved. We usually go visiting to hand out presents to other family members which I hate cause I always want to be home with my own stuff and out of the cold. Plus it was supposed to snow. I don't even think I can communicate to you how much I hate the snow. I would rather sit on the sun, then for it to snow. So when I heard it was, I was glad we were staying in.

My Peanut's first Christmas was priceless. I got him on video and probably took 1,000 pictures. He was such a sweetheart. I also made a rule that he could eat whatever he wanted for Christmas. If he wanted some of what we were eating than so be it. That was huge for me cause I'm so anal about what he eats. He was in heaven. He ate so much it made him a little sick. But he loved it. I'll try to post some of the pictures up.

50/50

2004-12-21T16:25:00.000-05:00

A.I.

Damn Skippy!

ABC's

2004-12-20T16:34:00.000-05:00

All I want for Christmas is a Pea Coat
But I'll take jewelry, perfume, money, DVD's etc....
Cause I'm not picky
Damn it's cold
Everyday they have the AC on at work to keep the computers cool
Fuck the computers what about the humans?
God is Good, all the time
High heel shoes make me feel sexy
I'm an amazing woman
Just ask anyone
Keep trying my best at everything I do
Love my son with my whole heart
My son's father too, but don't tell him:)
Never let anyone get close to me before
One moment changed that
Peanut was born!
Quite cute, that Peanut
Relationships are hard for me, especially with women
So I'm working on that
Trustworthiness & loyalty are two things I look for in a man
Underwear fetish
Voracious reader
What Looks Like Crazy on an Ordinary Day is one of my favorite books
Xtreme temperatures bother me, hot or cold
Yadda, yadda, yadda
Zodiac sign is Sagittarius, is there any other?

IQ

2004-12-20T13:43:00.000-05:00

I just took the Tickle IQ test and here are my results:

Congratulations, Meka!
Your IQ score is 139

This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others.

Your Intellectual Type is Insightful Linguist. This means you are highly intelligent and have the natural fluency of a writer and the visual and spatial strengths of an artist. Those skills contribute to your creative and expressive mind. And that's just some of what we know about you from your test results.

I took two other tests and my scores were 132 & 142. Just how accurate are these tests anyway?

I'm at work, I'm bored.....can you tell?

Monday

2004-12-20T11:25:00.000-05:00

This weekend was uneventful. I didn't do anything except clean my house. I should have gone Christmas shopping since I only have 5 days left, and I've only bought 1 gift. I should have gone thru all my son's clothes and boxed up all the things he couldn't fit anymore, so I know what I need to buy him. I should have cooked the chicken I thawed out yesterday instead of eating an ice cream sandwich and going to bed. I should have washed my hair instead of wearing a head band and a ponytail to work today. I should have taken off the chipped nail polish on my toes, so they wouldn't be looking so bad today. I should have taken my trash around back instead of just leaving it on my porch to get later. I should have gotten up when my alarm went off at 6am instead of setting it for 6:50am, and going back to sleep. I should have been on time to work today, but wasn't because of it. I should have called out and cuddled in bed with my son instead of bundling us both up and coming out in 10 degree weather. I hate Mondays!

The horror of my first time

2004-12-17T16:05:00.000-05:00

I didn't start having sex until I was 19. I'm a DK (deacon's kid) and I can't remember a time when my dad's eyes weren't on me. So when I went away to college, I didn't have to much experience with the opposite sex. I had a few kisses a couple of feels but that's about it. I was always in church. A lot of people say that if you are kept in the house and not allowed to do anything once you are an adult and away from your parents prying eyes and strict rules, you go buck. Well that didn't happen to me. I didn't know how to talk to boys or approach them, let alone have sex. I was shy and clumsy around them. Then I met Brian.
Brian called my room one day "by accident" looking for his cousin. He told me later that he had seen me in the caf and got my number from a mutual friend. When I answered the phone he asked for his cousin Sanai and when I told him he had the wrong number he asked me what my name was. Usually I would have said nunya, but for some reason I told him. He introduced himself to me and we ended up being on the phone for about 4 hours. That night he came to my dorm and we took a walk around campus. Damn that boy was fine. He had a quiet sexiness about him that I was instantly attracted to. Plus he was hella smart. After that day we were inseparable. We ate together, studied together and slept together. The only thing we didn't do was have sex. About 2 and a half months went by before I decided to give him some. My girls were telling me how the first time is always bad...it hurts, you're inexperienced blah blah blah. So of course I got nervous. We had arranged to go to dinner and a movie, which is no small feat on a broke college student’s budget. I told him my stomach hurt and I couldn't go and I went to bed. About two hours later I hear a knock on my door. He had snuck in my dorm to check on me to see how I was doing. We started talking and I ended up telling him the real reason I didn't want to go. We talked it over and he assured me if I wanted to wait longer we could. Isn't that the typical reverse psychology line? Well it worked.
He laid me down and massaged my scalp, and my back and everything else. I can remember that shit like it was yesterday. I was getting all comfortable and feeling confident like 'yeah I can do this, this is nothing', until he pulled it out. Ladies let me tell you, it was the biggest dick (I started to write penis, but that thing was a dick) I had ever seen in my life. Up until then I had only snuck my dad's pornos (yeah the good deacons) but nothing prepared me for this. It was huge. To this day I have never seen one that big in person. Yikes! Needless to say I was scared again. He said he would ease it in and go slow. Yeah ok. I think he tried, but he got so excited he went a little to fast. That shit hurt like hell. Excruciating. After we got in the groove it started feeling good to me. I started feeling these butterflies in the pit of my stomach and I'm thinking to myself, "this must be what an orgasm feels like, it kind of feels like I’m going to throw up." Then I kept thinking to myself how weird that thought was....until I threw up. All over the bed, all over the floor, all over him. And then he threw up from watching me throw up. It was horrible. We laugh about it now but that night we couldn’t even look at each other. Talk about embarrassing.

Sometimes I can't think of a title ok?

2004-12-17T11:21:00.000-05:00

I just finished votingfor the All Star game. It's in Denver this time, so I guess I'll be sitting in front of the TV watching it. The East hasn't won since 01', and I'm tired of losing.

I got my biopsy reports the other day and I'm cancer free. Needless to say I'm elated. I think I'm going to take myself out to dinner tonight. Speaking of which, I was talking to my sister last night and somehow we got onto the subject of eating out. She told me she will not eat out alone, cause she feels like a loser. I eat out alone from time to time. I didn't think it was a big deal. Are people looking at me with pity when I'm eating by myself. Let me know your thoughts on that.

Last night I was talking to my son's father and he kept talking over top of me. That is one of my biggest pet peeves. Don't ask me a question and then talk over top of my answer. If you didn't want to know, why ask in the first place? I should have hung up on him. That’s one of his biggest pet peeves so we would have been even. I hate it when I think of something I should have said or done after the fact. Especially in an argument. You think of all these clever things you should have said but now it’s to late. Damn!

I have been chastised. My friend told me when people leave comments on my blog, I'm supposed to respond to their comments. He said people will come back to my blog and check to see if I responded and it's rude if I don't. I didn't know that. Sorry. I usually just go to the person's blog who commented on my blog and comment on their blog. Did that make sense? Did I not follow proper blog etiquette or is he wrong as usual:)?

Random Thoughts.....

2004-12-16T16:19:00.000-05:00

~I've read a couple of blogs today about music (especially old school), so I'm linking to the post I wrote a little while ago. It really struck me how different the definition of old school music is for people my age.
~i need a foot massage.
~coffee makes your breath stink
~i think I'm going to call in sick tomorrow
~i wonder what Peanut is doing
~i have cramps
~i'm just typing these as they pop into my head
~isn't that called free association?
~if i keep letting this phone ring how long will the person on the other end hold?
~i usually hang up after a phone rings about 4 times
~that's cause i'm impatient
~they are still holding
~i think i'm going to bake some chicken & rice tonight
~finally they hung up
~i wonder if it was important
~the way i feel i don't give a damn
~i need some midol
~quick
~i'm tired of typing so i'm gonna publish this
~bye

Damn Skippy!

2004-12-16T11:32:00.000-05:00

EVA DIVA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls night out

2004-12-16T10:09:00.000-05:00

Last night I went out with a couple of my girlfriends. The thing I like about going out with these two particular girlfriends is that we don't always talk about men & sex. We talk about books, and movies, theater, and art etc.... But last night all we talked about were men & sex, which is ok too:-). Anyway, we started talking about another girlfriend of ours and how she's going thru some things in her relationship right now. My friend Rachelle was saying how it's her fault because she picks the same kind of men over and over. She said the first time her boyfriend cheated on her she should have left him, because if she stayed that sends a message to the man that he can do it again. That statement really stuck in my head well after we had moved on from the conversation.

I was curious if that statement was true. That if your man cheated on you and you didn't leave, does he see that as a sign to do it again and again. So I asked two of my male friends and Benjamin. I asked them all the same exact question. Benjamin said if he cheated on me and I stayed with him it does send the message that he can do it again. The other two said no. They would just be thankful their woman didn't leave them and would never do it again. I'm really not feeling Benjamin's answer for some reason but I don't know why. I know I would leave him if he cheated on me, so it shouldn't bother me that he said that, but it does. Let me know what you think.

It also got me to thinking about relationship patterns and what I've learned from past realtionships. Do we just pick the same type over and over or do we learn from past realtionships and choose according to those lessons? I don't know. But I did come up with a list of things I've learned from past relationships. Like to hear it? Here it goes......

·Love DOES NOT hurt.
·You can’t change anyone. People are who they are you either have to accept that or move on.
·No one has the right to treat you bad.
·What you give is what you’ll get.
·Pay attention to your mate or someone else will.
·If you’re crying all the time, chances are you aren’t in a good relationship.
·Live separately for as long as possible.
·Always let each other know how you feel, even if it hurts.
·Support your mate in what they do, but not at your expense.
·Opposites attract but people with things in common have more to talk about and will understand each other more.
·You must respect each other at all times, especially when you’re arguing.
·If you don’t love yourself you can’t love anyone else and you can’t accept love either.
·Pick your battles. Everything is not worth arguing over.
·Compromise!!!
·If someone cheats either forgive or leave but don’t question yourself or try to punish the other person.
·Don’t nag.
·Don’t let anyone make you into who they want you to be.
·Know yourself so no one can.
·People make mistakes. Forgiveness heals.
·If you keep patching things up, pretty soon all you’ll have are patches.
·Be strong, he will respect you more.
·Don’t lie, the truth will come out eventually.

Pissed off

2004-12-15T14:24:00.000-05:00

Ok I had no intentions of ever giving my opinion on the Michael Jackson case, but I just had an argument with my friend about it and now I'm pissed on so many levels.

Why is it that some Black people stick up for other Black people just because they’re Black? That is one of the biggest pet peeves I have. She's saying everyone should stick by Michael Jackson because he is Black and the media/paparazzi, and the D.A want to crucify him. First of all the media crucifies everyone. If they can get a story they're gonna get it. Period. Second of all why don't you get the facts of the case and maybe wait a little while before you determine guilt or innocence. I love MJ don't get me wrong, but should I just automatically assume he's innocent because he sang Billie Jean? She's like “he is one of our Black heroes.” Martin Luther King was a hero, Harriet Tubman was a hero, Benjamin Banneker, George Washington Carver, Daniel Hale Williams.....all heroes. Michael Jackson? A singer. Period. Now I'm not saying he hasn't contributed, and I'm not saying he's not a part of Black history. The man is a musical genius. He writes and produces all of his songs. That takes talent and hard work. I will give credit where credit is due. But that still doesn't make him innocent.

Another point came up that pissed me off. "They were all little White boys, if they were little Black boys no one would care". First of all wrong again. They would care, cause it's Michael Jackson. This case is not about Black or White, it's about fame. A famous person is being accused of a horrible crime. That's gonna be on the news, in the tabloids, on the radio. Secondly, what does it matter what color they are. THEY ARE LITTLE BOYS! WTF? Maybe he just prefers little White boys. Maybe that's who he has access to. Most Black parents are not going to let their child stay at Michael Jackson’s house. If I asked my mom she would flip out. I can hear her now: "Why the hell do you want to stay over a grown ass man's house? We don't know him. I don't care if he did sing "Bad". Carry your ass upstairs and do some "Bad" homework." And anyway wasn't one of those boys Hispanic?

If their allegations are true, that means Michael Jackson, raped little boys. If he did then he should be buried under the jail cause he's a pedophile. Fuck therapy, fuck rehabilitation, send his ass to prison and he can sing Man in the Mirror on cellblock C. I mean you have to admit, he has some kind of weird fascination with little boys. He's always taking them under his wing and next thing you know they are on TV dressed up in mini versions of his little outfits riding the rides at Neverland ranch. Remember that little boy from Home Alone, and Corey Feldman? If he was smart he wouldn’t have had children as overnight guests. I understand you are trying to recapture your childhood, but why do you need kids staying overnight. Invite them over to play in the daytime and then send them home to their parents. Why does he have kids that aren't related to him staying the night IN HIS BED? He had already been charged with molesting a child, settled out of court, and then he's going to turn right around and have another little boy over? What sense does that make? To me that screams stupid. Then she wants to say “the parents just want money.” Maybe they do. Does that mean he's not guilty? No.

It's the same thing with R. Kelly. I don't know if anyone remembers this, but a long time ago R. Kelly and Aaliyah (R.I.P) were on Video Soul w/ Donnie Simpson. She must of been about 14 or 15 at the time. They had on matching Mickey Mouse sweatshirts, had just come back from Disneyland, and R. Kelly was sitting up there saying Aaliyah was his best friend. Donnie looked at him like he was crazy. I know he was thinking what I was: what the hell is a grown ass man doing with a 15 yr old girl as a best friend? That interview always stuck in my mind for some reason. I knew then that something wasn’t right. Even their body language was a little to intimate. Sure enough a couple of years later we hear all this stuff about Aaliyah and R. getting married, and a few years after that the tape emerges. But everyone wants to defend him cause he sang 12 Play. Give me a break.

Now I'm not saying that R. Kelly & MJ are guilty (although I think they are) and everyone has the right to their own opinion. It just seems to me that standing up for someone just because they share your same skin color is wrong.

Shopping

2004-12-15T09:13:00.000-05:00

I have not done any Christmas shopping. Every year I say I'm not going to be in the stores last minute and every year I am. I hate to shop. I hate it with a passion. And not just for other people, but I don't like shopping for myself either. Unless it's shoes. I can stay in a shoe store for hours. But when it comes to clothes, I'm at a loss. When I go shopping for myself I don't try on clothes, I just buy what I like in my size and go. The problem with that is clothes never fit me right. Pants in particular. Because I'm short if the pants I like don’t come in petite they are too long, and then I have to take them back. You'd think I would learn my lesson and just try on the damn pants, but I never do.

So now that it's Christmas and I have to shop for everyone I'm freaking out. I don't know what to get people. Usually my family makes Christmas lists and I just buy stuff right off the list. This year it was everyone's (except for mine of course) bright idea to scrap the lists and just be creative. Yeah for me! I get to try to figure out what to get everyone for Christmas. The only person I'm excited to shop for is my baby boy. This will be his first Christmas. I already have the Santa hat and the outfit and all the accessories that say My First Christmas on them. I can't wait. Other than that, I'm not looking forward to shopping.

Favorite Quotes, Random Thoughts.....

2004-12-14T17:27:00.000-05:00

"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation. From the desperate city you go into the desperate country, and have to console yourself with the bravery of minks and muskrats. A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind. There is no play in them for this comes after work. But it is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things."
-- Henry David Thoreau

At the core of every woman there is a ferocious aspect of her personality that will stand up and take on whatever difficulty the woman faces. I call that aspect “the bitch”. “The bitch” will stand up when you believe you cannot stand up for yourself.
~Iyanla

Choose silence of all virtues, for by it you hear other men's imperfections, and conceal your own.
-George Bernard Shaw

No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says: He is always convinced that it says what he means.
-George Bernard Shaw

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it.
-George Bernard Shaw

"Love is a symbol of eternity. It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end."
-Author Unknown

Not much to say, so.....

2004-12-14T16:14:00.000-05:00

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Meka
2. MeMe
3. Freaka
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. good_girl
2. miss_meka
3. peanutsmommy
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My intelligence
2. My pride
3. My heart
THREE THINGS YOU DISLIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My height
2. My hair
3. I’m indecisive
PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. African-American
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Failure
2. Mediocracy
3. Bugs/Death
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. My baby boy
2. Coco Butter
3. TV/Music
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. A Black skirt
2. Heels
3. Benjamin’s class ring
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS (or artists):
1. Earth Wind & Fire
2. Atlantic Star
3. Maxwell
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS:
1. Between the Sheets – Isley Brothers
2. Ladies First – Queen Latifah
3. How Bout’ Us - Shalimar
THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS
1. Replenishing my savings
2. Learn a second Language
3. Piano lessons
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
1. Respect
2. Loyalty
3. Romance/Sex
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. I love my son
2. I'm a good person
3. I have patience
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX (or same) THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Strong legs/arms
2. Nice eyes
3. Soft lips
THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN’T DO:
1. Be mean
2. Show weakness
3. Tolerate ignorance
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Writing
2. Reading
3. Shoe shopping
THREE THINGS YOU REALLY WANT TO DO RIGHT NOW:
1. Have sex
2. leave work
3. eat ice cream
THREE CAREER FIELDS YOU’RE CONSIDERING:
1. Human Resources
2. Law
3. Social Work
THREE VACATION SPOTS:
1. Hawaii
2. Jamaica
3. Rome
THREE KID’S NAMES:
1. Isabella
2. Brooklyn
3. Xavier
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Heal my relationships
2. Write a book
3. Buy my mom a house

I'm 29.....Yikes!

2004-12-13T13:29:00.000-05:00

I'm officially 29. When did that happen? It seems like just yesterday I was 21. Next year I will be 30 years old. It's not like I feel old or even think 29 is old, it's just hard to believe I'm 29. We were watching The Cosby Show the other night and my sister commented on how this show came out about 20 years ago. WTF? That was 20 years ago? Where does the time go? I took a lot of things for granted when I was younger. Now I have to prepare for the future. Before I was just living life. I mean I saved money, but not like I should have. Now I have worry about what I'm gonna leave behind if something should happen to me. I have to make sure my son will be taken care of. Yikes!

Anyway...here is a recap of my weekend

We got to Philly around 11pm Friday night. We went to his house and I fell asleep almost immediately. I was so tired. Saturday he went to work and I slept in, which I never get to do, so it was wonderful. His mom watched the baby so we could go out when he got off work. We walked around Center City holding hands, and went to the Parkway and ate at my favorite restaurant, then went to see Oceans 12. It was romantic. I had a wonderful time. He gave me the Seinfeld seasons 1, 2 & 3 boxed set. That was #1 on my birthday list. Usually when I go up there we just spend time at home with the baby since he doesn't see him often. We usually order a pizza and watch movies. It was like our first date all over again. Of course I got some too. Damn I feel like a new woman. It doesn't take a lot to please me but one thing that I like to have is a healthy sex life. Right now I don't have that so I'm not always the happiest camper. I came back early Sunday and did the family birthday thing. It was fun. So now it's Monday and I'm back to work. Yuck!

My little monster

2004-12-10T13:41:00.000-05:00

Am I cute or what?

My son is a little monster. He will not sit still for anything. I mean I know he's curious, there are a lot of things he's never seen before. So whenever he sees something of course he has to investigate. No problem right? Wrong! I can't dress him, feed him, bathe him, without him trying to get away from me to go exploring. I try to keep him on a schedule and try to have a routine in the morning. I get up at six, make his bottles for the day, pack his diaper bag, take a shower, get dressed, then wake him up and start getting him ready. It usually works unless he gets up before I wake him up. Then itâs chaos. He wants to get out of the crib and if I don't get him out he tries to climb out. He's not even walking yet. So to prevent a trip to the e.r. I take him out and put him in his walker. Now he wants to open the fridge and throw stuff on the floor or he wants to go in the bathroom and stick his hands in the toilet. A couple of weeks ago, I walked in the bedroom to get dressed. I kept smelling vinegar but I couldn't figure out where it was coming from. It didn't dawn on me to look at him cause where would my 10 month old son get vinegar from? So I finish getting dressed and go to pick him up to get him ready and he smells like vinegar. This boy had gotten into the fridge, picked up the vinegar bottle, somehow gotten the top off, and vinegar was all over him and the floor. I still don't know to this day how he did it. But if he can do all that and he's only crawling, imagine what he can do when he starts walking. I'm a little scared:) And the bad thing is I can't even chastise him cause he gives me this mischievous grin that just cracks me up.

The boy has no fear. Well he has some fear which was evident when he saw a dog for the first time. I was at a girlfriend's house and her dog came out of the room. I would have paid good money to have a camera right then. I have never heard him scream that loud. He almost scratched my skin off trying to get away. It was so funny. The next time we went over there I expected the same, but he got down on the floor and played with the dog. He tried to stick his fingers in the dog's eyes and everything. I had to stop him cause' he was being to rough. He's crazy!

It's so amazing watching my child grow. I mean 8 months ago, he couldn't even sit up. Now he's into everything. But sometimes I miss my little boy, the one I cuddled at night and sang to. Now he won't sit still long enough for me to hold him. He is so independent. It makes me proud and sad at the same time.

Mouse Tales

2004-12-10T13:34:00.000-05:00

Last night I went home for the first time since I saw the mouse. I had one of my friends lay down traps the other night, and he came over to check them. Low and behold, we got him. I'm so happy. So last night I spent the whole night bleaching everything. My floors, my walls, my cabinets, refrigerator, vacuumed my carpets, washed all the dishes with bleach and dish soap. I wanted to disinfect anywhere that mouse even thought of going. It took me six hours. I was exhausted. As the night wore on I kept thinking 'what if there was a whole family of them and I just killed momma mouse'. What if the rest of the family were gonna take revenge on me and my baby while we were sleeping. These irrational thoughts kept circling thru my head until I drove myself crazy. Needless to say I stayed at my girlfriends house again.

I also went to get my hair done. I don't usually spend a lot of time or money on getting my hair done I just do it myself. But my birthday is Sunday, so I treated myself. Now I wish I hadn't cause' I don't like it. I'm a simple girl who likes simple things. The only time that doesn't apply is when I go shoe shopping but that's another story. I don't want to have to wake up in the morning an extra 30 minutes to try to fix some complicated hairstyle. I usually try to brush my hair into a ponytail or bun while trying to wrestle clothes onto my son. So now I'm stuck with this hairstyle that I have no idea how to maintain even if I had the time to.

If you've been reading my blog, you know that my birthday is Sunday the 12th. You should also know that the one thing I want for my birthday is to get laid (my sister says that phrase isn't lady-like. Sorry). I didn't think it was going to happen because my son's father has to work, but somehow he managed to get off. He's a manager in a department store, it's the holiday season, so it was pretty hard to do. So tonight my son and I are Philly bound. We are going out to dinner and a movie on Saturday, and then Sunday gonna see the Sixers thrash the Bucks. Bill Cosby and the Fat Albert gang are gonna be there and they're handing out Fat Albert Bobblehead Dolls. They're only giving out 5,000 of them so it's a possibility I won't get one. So if anyone out there happens to get their hands on one that they don't want I'll be happy to take that for you:)

Philadelphia......what can I say about it. I love that city! I love the smell, the sound, the feel. I don't know what it is , but the minute I get there I get excited. It's been that way since I was a little girl. I have a love affair with that city that will never end.

I've noticed that people are starting to read my blog and leave comments. I would like to say thank you. I really appreciate that you took the time out. I think it takes courage to put your thoughts and feelings out there for everyone to see, so I try to leave a comment on everyone's blog I read so they know I was there and read what they have to say. Did anyone participate in nanowrimo? Let me know and I will check it out.

Good Men

2004-12-09T15:33:00.000-05:00

I want to take the time out to say thank you to my son's father. He is so good to me and our son, that I thought it was due. He has always been there for me and our baby and I know I can always count on him no matter what. We are raising our son together even though we are apart and that's very hard to do. I know my son and I are blessed to have him and I know a lot of women who aren't so lucky which is sad. He has never disrespected me in any way, and has never been dishonest with me. When I ask him for something for our child, he will move heaven and earth to get it, and if he can't then he's upfront about it. I respect that.

My friends have told me horror stories about having to take their children's father to court, about them ducking phone calls....the works. I am so grateful I don't have to go thru that. The only reason I call myself a single mother is because we aren't married. In every other aspect it's me and him all the way. We talk pretty much every day, he always wants to know how his son is doing. Because we live in two different states he misses out on a lot so pretty much every night I give him a recap on our son's day or any new developmental milestones. When we do see him they play and wrestle and laugh at each other. Their bond is so special.

A long time ago I picked men who were bad for me. Liars, cheaters, emotionally withholding, verbally abusive. It didn't take me long to get over being treated badly and look for someone who was good for me and good to me. Along the way I've met some really good men. Some became lovers, some became friends. (I didn't mean for that to rhyme but it was nice right?:) I'm glad he was the one I had my baby with.

He's funny and goofy, strong and kind. He has a good heart and really cares about people. I can talk to him about anything with out being judged and I can be myself around him. I can walk around in bloomers, with my hair looking a mess, and he doesn't give a damn. He has held me when I was sick, encouraged me when I was down, got on my ass when I was being selfish or stubborn. There are times when he gets on my last nerves (especially when he thinks he's always right) but he always means well. He's my best friend and I thank God for him.

To all the men out there who aren't being a father to their children, you're missing out on so much. And to those who are, you're making the world a better place for every child whose life you touch.

I love you Benjamin

Find 100 Ways

2004-12-08T16:34:00.000-05:00

1. i have a son named Peanut
2. really Benjamin
3. he's 10 months
4. smiley and sweet
5. fathers name is Benjamin too
6. we love him
7. trying to raise him together but apart
8. that's so hard it makes me cry
9. we both love our son so it will be ok
10. being a single parent is hard
11. so is life but i'm a survivor
12. speaking of which i have 3 tattoos
13. meka, terrill, survivor
14. terrill was my best friend
15. he passed away
16. i miss him
17. ready to get my fourth
18. gonna be my sons name
19. i'll be 29 in 3 days
20. birthday is december 12th
21. that makes me a sagittarius
22. whatever that means
23. i love to write
24. hence the blog
25. i try to be optimistic
26. sometimes i'm not
27. i always wanted to change the world
28. so far i've only made a dent
29. but i will
30. i love to read
31. no one does anymore
32. i love my job
33. but not the people i work with
34. i have a habit of letting my friendships go
35. i'm trying to break it
36. my son is amazing
37. he makes me happy
38. it's surreal being a mother
39. i sing in the shower
40. but no where else
41. probably cause' i can't
42. gerbera daisies & tulips are my favorite flowers
43. favorite book is "The Prince of Tides"
44. the movie didn't do it justice
45. i'm short
46. which i hate
47. so i wear high heel shoes
48. i love shoes
49. i'm a case manager
50. who's addicted to Pepsi
51. i'm trying to wean myself off it
52. i go to church
53. not as often as i should
54. i have 3 brothers and 2 sisters
55. 7 nieces and nephews
56. they are all growing up so fast
57. makes me feel old
58. my major in college was pre-law/political science
59. but i don't want to be a lawyer
60. i like social work
61. i love to cook
62. everyone loves my food
63. my specialty is steak and twice baked potato
64. and punchbowl cake
65. which is exactly what it sounds like
66. i am a very sexual person
67. love orgasms
68. but who doesn't
69. i've been told im funny
70. sometimes people tell you any old thing
71. so who knows
72. i love green tea perfume by elizabeth arden
73. i always eat watermelon jolly ranchers
74. i try to always take a bubble bath on sundays
75. they relax me
76. i read at least two books a week
76. right now it's the bluest eye & pimp
77. im a reality tv junky
78. and not ashamed to admit it
79. ok maybe a little bit
80. i love God
81. i guess that shouldn't be #80 on the list
82. but he knows my heart
83. my favorite songs are nasty girl by vanity, how bout' us by shalimar, do me baby by melissa morgan, kissing you by desiree, flying without wings by ruben studdard, love's holiday by ew&f, new world water by mos def, buddy by de la soul, ladies first by queen latifah
84. i can go on and on
85. cause i love music
86. i don't think im gonna have any more babies
87. peanut can play with his cousins
88. usually only children wish they had siblings
89. and vice versa
90. i don't think many people read my blog
91. i wonder if that means it's not interesting
92. 8 more to go
93. i love holidays
94. especially easter
95. isn't lever 2000 the best soap
96. i am a published writer
98. i used to do spoken word
99. i love writing letters instead of emailing
100. if you read all 99 thank you for taking the time out.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

2004-12-08T12:28:00.000-05:00

Our system is down at work, so that means for the past two and a half hours I've been doing absolutely nothing. I'm so bored I don't know what to do...........

Last night I stayed at my girlfriend’s house again. You ever notice when you stay over someone’s house, how weird their habits are and in turn how weird yours are too? For example, she puts cereal and bread in the fridge. I was like wtf? Plus she turns up the heat to like 150 degrees. My son and I baked all night. I'm starting to think maybe a mouse in the house is better than waking up wet & sweaty. But I do have such a good time when we I stay over there. Like a grown-up slumber party.

My mom is getting old. Her birthday is Dec. 2nd and while we were sitting there at the table I just realized she's getting old. I mean I knew it, but I didn't know it. If you know what I mean. It's so hard to watch your parents get old. I just want to protect her. From getting sick, or getting hurt or from any harm. That feeling just overwhelmed me. I wonder if my son will feel the same way about me one day.

I have three long hairs growing out of my chin. They sprouted when I was pregnant. My Dr. said that was natural. Well I'm not pregnant anymore so why are they still here? Come to think of it she said a lot of symptoms I had while I was pregnant were "natural". That’s a crock of shit. Pregnancy is the most unnatural thing I have ever experienced. How could something so horrible produce something so wonderful? I guess I can’t complain though, my pregnancy didn't get bad until the 7th month. You won't believe why.......

Last year I kept feeling these "twinges" followed by pain in the bottom of my belly. I went to my Dr. and was diagnosed with a bladder infection, and prescribed antibiotics. I took them but it didn't seem to get any better so I just dealt with it. About three weeks after that the pain was becoming unbearable. I have a very high pain threshold but this was crazy. Not only was there pain, I couldn't stop going to the bathroom. I was peeing like every 20 minutes or so. So I went back. He said it still sounded like a bladder infection and prescribed me a stronger antibiotic. So I took it but the pain and the peeing got increasingly worse. Finally after about three more weeks of that shit I went back and told him I couldn't take it anymore. He pushed on my stomach to try to locate where the majority of the pain was coming from and I told him the pain was now in my lower left side. So he decided to send me to the hospital for a stat. pelvic ultrasound. I went directly from his office to the hospital, and got the ultrasound done. While I'm laying on the table and the ultrasound tech. is looking on the screen she says "oh my God". So I'm freaking out and asking her what’s going on but of course she can’t say anything until a Dr. looks at it. Now I'm thinking I have cancer or something. I go home and wait for a call to hear my results. The nurse at my doctors office calls and asks me if I'm sitting down. I say "yes I am", and she proceeds to tell me that I’m pregnant. About 13 weeks pregnant to be exact. Needless to say I was shocked as hell. Then the happiness took over. I really wanted a baby so I was ecstatic. The next day I went to work and called my mom and my sister and told them. They were so happy and excited for me and our family. Around 10 the same nurse from my doctors office calls me at work and asks me again "am I sitting down". I say yes and she proceeds to tell me that I need to schedule an appointment with an OBGYN as soon as I can because I am not 13 weeks I am 27 weeks which for those of you who didn’t figure it out right away is 6 months and 3 weeks pregnant. So that’s how I found out about my little Peanut. Crazy right?

Rainy

2004-12-07T16:52:00.000-05:00

I feel just like the weather today......Rainy. I woke up this morning and didn't want to get out of bed. I have this feeling that something bad is about to happen. I'm trying to ignore it.

I talked to my son's father a little last night. I think we are turning into "just friends". A little while a go that revelation would have devastated my heart but something has shifted, and I'm ok. It feels really good to say that. I'm ok. I still love him, and I still want us to be a family, but if that doesn't happen it won't be the end all be all that I thought it would be.

I'm about to tell a gross story so if you have a weak stomach skip this part (assuming anyone ever reads this blog)

Last night my son woke up around 3am. He stood up leaned over my back and took the biggest shit I have ever seen. It was all over the place. On the sheets, in his sleeper, up his back, down his legs. I didn't know what the hell was going on. So I had to get up clean him up, clean the bed up and try to get him back to sleep. Needless to say, I knew today was gonna be a shitty day.

I have a mouse. I don't know how I got a mouse because my house is immaculate. You could eat on the floors. The only mess that I don't stay on is my son's playroom. And by "playroom" I mean his bedroom because his crib is in my room. His toys are all over the floor but I don't have a toy box yet. He's only 10 months so I didn't think I would need one yet. But you would be surprised at the amount of toys he has accumulated in his short life. Back to the mouse. I was sitting on my bed last Thursday and I saw something out the corner of my eye move. I really didn't pay attention to it. I got up to go to the kitchen and there it was by the trash can. I haven't been back to my house since. Thursday-Sunday we stayed at my mom's house, and Monday I stayed at my girlfriends house. So tonight I finally got one of my male friends to come lay traps down, but I'm not staying in that house until I see a dead mouse in the trap. I may have to move. We shall see.

My son is outgrowing all of his clothes at an alarming rate. Like I said he's on the new side of 10 months but he's already wearing 18 month clothes. He's not fat, he's just long as hell. I'm only 5'1, but I still didn't expect my 10 month old son, to come past my knees when he stands up. His feet and hands are huge. When I took him for his last check up the Dr. actually called in another Dr. and a nurse to look at them cause' they couldn't believe it. They told me to be prepared cause he's gonna be a big one. I'm a little worried about that.

Work sucks. I don't like a lot of the people here. I love my job and I know I'm blessed to be able to say that. Some people can't. But they are seriously working a nerve.

Still haven't gotten laid. I'm not to happy about that. I can't even talk about it, it hurts to much. Fuck, Fuck, Fuck

Women & Sports

2004-12-07T13:48:00.000-05:00

The 76ers game

I love basketball. I mean love, love, love basketball. I've been a Sixers fan since I was 7 years old. I've been to countless games, and even had season tickets at one point. So given all of that, why is it so impossible for people to believe that a woman can genuinely love sports. Every time I tell someone that I love basketball, I get one of two reactions. Either I get quizzed on players, stats, team history (which I know a shitload about so don't try me) or they imply that I go to games to get men or impress a boyfriend. That really pisses me off. It is possible for a woman to like sports, just like it is possible for a man to dislike sports. Every summer when I was a little girl my Pop-Pop would take me to games when I stayed with my grandparents in Philly, and I developed a love for the game. Philly fans are like no other, and the atmosphere was unbelievable. I cherish those memories, and when my son is old enough, I intend to do the same with him.

Damn Skippy!

2004-12-02T16:01:00.000-05:00

Sagittarius

The Element associated with Sagittarius is Fire. Just as fire can move quickly and uncontrollably, so can Sagittarians.

Happy Birthday to all my fellow Sagittarian's.

Happy Birthday Mom, Ryan, Gloria, Eric, JP, Gabby.

I'm practically a virgin again

2004-12-02T13:45:00.000-05:00

I haven't had sex since October 23rd . I've gotten to the point where masturbating doesn't get me off. I'm pass that point. I need skin to skin contact. I need to feel hands on me. I can't remember the last time I didn't have sex on my birthday. I've always been in a relationship during that time so it was never an issue. My birthday is Sunday the 12th and my son's father will be working all weekend. It looks like it's not gonna happen. Fuck, fuck, fuck.....

I've Got the Music in Me

2004-12-02T13:33:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I had to get up early and go to the hospital to get my biopsy done so I put on some Earth Wind & Fire to calm my nerves. I've loved music since I was a child. I remember sitting at the top of the basement steps listening to the music coming from my mom's house parties. Smokey Robinson & the Miracles, Harold Melvin & the Bluenotes, The Shirelles, Little Anthony & the Imperials...Remember Freddie Jacksons Rock Me Tonight? Earth Wind & Fires After the Love is Gone? Remember Shalimar?

Some people are made for each other,
Some people can love one another for life
How about us
Some people can hold it together
Last through all kind of weather
Can we?

Remember when songs were about love. About making relationships work? I'm only 28 but I can appreciate that shit. I cannot stand music today. Bling, Cristal, cars, guns, gold teeth.....I can't relate. I don't have any of that. Don't want it. I work a regular 9 to 5, pick my son up from day care, go home and cook dinner. I can't relate to songs like Money Aint A Thang. Shit my cell phone just got turned off. I can relate to those feelings of falling in love. Loving and wanting that man so bad you can taste it. I can't relate to letting a man "tap that ass". I can relate to being made love to until I'm so sweaty our bodies make that sucking sound. I can relate to being held and kissed. I can relate to my man's fingers in my hair, on my back, between my thighs. I want to hear Between the Sheets, Fire & Desire, I want to hear

Would you mind if I touch,
if I kiss, if I held you tight
in the morning light
Would you mind if I said how I felt tenderly tonight
again cause

I never ever felt this way in my heart before
Love has a holiday in my heart tonight

Would you mind if I looked
into your eyes till I'm hypnotized
and I lose my pride
Would you mind if I make love to you till I'm satisfied
again cause

I never ever felt this way in my heart before
Love has a holiday in my heart tonight

I grew up with a love of music that is so deep. I have a song or a record (that's right I have records) for every mood I'm in. I can just listen to a song and it will trigger in my mind a smell, a memory, a feeling, a time. Some songs are etched so deep, I can tell you where I was when I first heard it, who I was with, and what I had on. Music is so powerful. I know this will sound crazy but it's almost as if there is a soundtrack to my life. If I play it you can almost feel my experiences and understand the things that shaped me into who I am today.

Thank you Jill Scott, D'Angelo, Eryka Badu, Musiq Soulchild for trying to bring it back. I miss turning on the radio and hearing a song I can jam to, or a song I can play while my son is in the back seat. I long for those beautiful lyrics about love, life, and relationships..family and friends. I long for those times when Queen Latifah let us know it was Ladies First, when EW&F gave us Reasons, when the Isley Brothers let us know what was going down Between the Sheets, when KRS-1's Bridge was Over, when Rakim Knew we Had Soul. Maybe if we can get back to where we started the world would be a better place.

Updates.....

2004-12-02T11:02:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in a while because of health issues. I had to have a biopsy yesterday, hopefully all will go well.

What have you missed? Not to much.

Thanksgiving was wonderful as usual. My family always does big things on the holidays. We had about 20 people in the house. The only problem is there are never any leftovers when it's that many people. My son had his first Thanksgiving. Usually I'm kind of strict about what he eats but I made an exception. He ate what everyone else ate, I even gave him a little taste of sweet potato pie. He loved being around all the kids that came over. He's such a good baby.

I am really starting to not like going to work everyday. Which pisses me off because I love my job, just not the people. I usually don't let others get to me, but it's kind of hard when you have to be around them 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. I can't wait until I go on vacation. I'm about to go postal.

Damn Cowlick!

2004-12-01T16:21:00.000-05:00

Damn Cowlick!

Shout out to my Daddy's Team

E-A-G-L-E-S!!!!!!!

Mommy why is my face so shiny?

2004-11-15T16:21:00.000-05:00

Mr. Powell leaves Washington

2004-11-15T15:26:00.000-05:00

I'm sure everyone will chime in on why they think Colin Powell resigned from his position as Secretary of State. Just like I'm sure we will never know all of the reasons why.

I would like to think that he and the 5 other Cabinet members who have tendered their resignation got an attack of conscience. I would like to think that they along with the other 49% of the country could not sit idle while President Bush abused his power. I would like to think that Mr. Powell realized that he could not in good faith stand by a man who told bold-faced lies to the people of this country.

In a way I'm kind of sad that he is leaving. It gave me a little peace of mind that someone in the Bush Administration had some integrity. I kind of looked at him as the watchdog. Whatever the reason, I'm sure the repercussions of these resignations will be far-reaching. I'm just anxious to see what is going to happen. I'm pretty sure Condoleezza Rice will take his place as Sec. of State. That makes me sick to my stomach. I cannot stand her. I mean watching her speak before the September 11th panel made me ashamed to be a woman, and an African-American, and a human.

Good luck Mr. Powell, I may not have always agreed with your politics, but I have always admired your integrity, your intelligence and the way you did your job with dignity. I always felt that you wanted what was best for our country, that you put that first above power, above pride, above party. Something I wish you could have passed on to the rest of the Administration. Especially to the President.

Sex, Lies and.....well you know.

2004-11-15T13:08:00.000-05:00

Where the hell did the assumption that women don't like sex just as much as men come from? Granted I can't speak for all women everywhere, so I'm just going to speak for myself and the women I know. We think about sex just as much as men do. And not always in that, let's make love like we're in a Harlequin Romance novel, kind of way either. Sometimes women just want to fuck. I've been sleeping with the same man on a regular basis for two years. After that much time has passed sometimes you simply want a quickie before you go to work or when the baby is napping. I don't always need the foreplay or the candles and music. Sometimes I don't even feel like getting undressed all the way. Simple as that. I could probably have sex just about everyday. I've never tested that theory but I think I could. Some people would call that being a freak. What's wrong with that? You can be a freak without being a whore. You can be a freak for your man. I'm in a monogamous relationship and still have a healthy sex life. Why do people think the two can't go hand in hand? Whatever my man wants (within reason) he gets. And it's not because I feel like I have to serve him, or I have to give him sex to keep him. It's because I love sex just as much as he does. And considering that men reach their prime between the ages of 18-21 and women don't until much later, I don't understand why it's so hard to believe.

Gone are the days when corseted, virginal brides fainted at the mere thought of what was to come on their wedding night. Gone are the days when women don't even talk about sex. Stop by our table on Tuesday Margarita night, you'll get an earful. I wish women would embrace their sexuality without the fear of being labeled. I'm 28 years old and have only had 5 sexual partners, all of which I was in a relationship with. So I am not at all promoting promiscuity. All I'm saying is if you're gonna do it you should enjoy it. And if you're not enjoying it, try new things. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. It took me a long time to speak up and stand up for myself in the bedroom. I had so many hang-ups about sex and what to expect. As I got older I realized that as a woman I have speak up for myself in all places. I think that most men want to please their woman, maybe they just don't know what you want. If you don't tell him how will he know?

couldn't think of a title for this one

2004-11-05T13:50:00.000-05:00

How many of you work with people you hate and that hate you right back? People who are quick to judge, point fingers, gossip etc...
I feel like I am back in high school. I am so sick of the drama. I'm about to make a statement and before anyone gets offended by it really think about it. After you think about it, if you're still offended then I don't give a damn. I hate working with a bunch of women. For some reason when you get women together, the atmosphere becomes rife with cattiness, backstabbing, drama etc... We give ourselves a bad name. We bring our emotional selves to work and there really isn’t a place for that. For example: Donna, the girl that used to work here was so emotional she used to sit here and cry. Can you believe it? She would actually cry at work. She couldn't get any of her work done, she was always gossiping about her private life and she didn't see anything wrong with it. And what's even worse on a couple occasions my supervisor, who is also a woman, would let her go home because she was emotionally distraught. Now I’m not a hard ass by any means, but that's crazy. If I have to sit here for 8 hours a day then so should she. I mean everyone has something going on in there life. I felt like slapping her and saying 'pull yourself, together and have some self-respect.'

This is a man's world. Period. Should it be? Maybe, maybe not. But it is. Ladies we have to strap on some balls and compete. In a utopian society things like that wouldn't matter. But last time I checked it's not. There is a double standard and there always will be. I'm not a pessimist, I'm a realist. The reason why men run the world is not because they are smarter or better in any way other than the fact that they know how to keep their emotions in check. It's also why they don't live as long, but that's another story. Why did he get the corner office and not you, why did he get the promotion when you are equally qualified? Because men promote other men. Why? Because they don't want to deal with emotional, calling out because of the kids, crying because my man left me, PMS having women. It's as simple as that. Even the most liberal, open-minded man would rather work with a man than a woman. I know I would and I'm a woman. I'm sorry ladies but we do it to ourselves. I work around a group of irrational, over emotional, catty, nasty-mouthed women. They speak loudly, they get smart, they don't have any respect for themselves or others. When I come to work I sit at my desk quietly, I rarely call out, I'm very professional and I get the job done on time. But because men sometimes don't differentiate between women, I get lumped in with the others. And that pisses me off. It pisses me off that when I have a legitimate complaint it never goes anywhere because everyone in here is always complaining about something. It pisses me off because I choose not to yell at people and disrespect people, I'm not heard. It pisses me off that ignorance is catered too. I was so happy that a man was hired when a new position opened up. We need to stamp out some of this estrogen. I love being a woman and I would never want to be a man, but ladies we really need to get it together or this man's world will eat us alive.

these are a few of my favorite things.......

2004-11-05T13:41:00.000-05:00

My Top 10 List:

1. My son. I love him so much. I am always smiling because he is always smiling. I literally have the happiest baby in the world. He's such a blessing.

2. Family & Friends. Priceless. What more can I say?

3. My best friend/son's father/lover/uplifter/life-changer/nerve-getter-oner/happiness maker/protector/soulmate/sweetyheart.

4. Shoes. High-heel shoes. Unbelieveably high, high-heel shoes. The higher the better baby! "Don't be afraid to put me up their with the big girls." (Carrie, Sex and the City)

5. TV/Movies. I'm an addict. Curb Your Enthusiasm (of course), Sex & the City, Seinfeld, Reality TV (I'm not ashamed to admit), Girlfriends, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, etc... I could go on and on.

6. Rainy nights. That's when I get my best sleep. That's saying something coming from a borderline insomniac.

7. Making love/kissing/cuddling/orgasms/massages/late night in-bed talks/tickling/foreplay/postplay/candles. You get the picture!

8. Ben & Jerrys Vanilla, Caramel, Fudge ice cream. It's heaven!

9. Holidays. Especially Easter.

10. Books/Reading/Poetry/Writing. Keeps me going, makes me feel alive, keeps my thoughts out there circulating.

Peanut for President!

2004-11-04T13:01:00.000-05:00

Hello

Peanut, newly elected President of the United States, will address the nation and give the American people an idea of what his agenda will be this term. Right after his afternoon nap.