Brain freeze, Barney, & Contempt
Damn it's cold. I'm freezing my ass off. If it gets any colder I'm moving. I would rather be cold than hot, any day, but this is ridiculous. Anytime you get brain freeze from being outside, something’s not right.
Not to much has been going on with me. Still preparing for my son's first birthday party on Sunday. I’m so excited. It's amazing how expensive a birthday party can get if you don't control yourself. I had to snap back to reality the other day at the party supply store. Anything that had Barney on it, I just put it in the cart. The price was irrelevant. The sky is the limit for my baby’s first birthday. Don't bring me just any Barney balloon, bring me the life-sized talking balloon. Paper cups? For my Peanut? Bring me the glass ones in the shape of Baby Bop. That is until I got to the register. $167.36? WTF? Am I crazy? Damn near $170 in cups and shit. I walked my happy ass back to the aisle, put everything back, and started over. Got some cups, plates, tablecloth, party hats, streamers... $69.20. That's more like it. I'll get the rest from Wal-Mart. As long as it's purple no one will know.
My baby walked last night. He's taken tentative steps before, but last night he walked from my sister all the way across the kitchen floor right into my open arms. Then I cried. Not because he could walk but because he's not my baby anymore. I know he's only one but this is just the beginning. First walking, then running, then preschool, kindergarten. What's next, beer... cigarettes? Why can't they stay this size forever? He's already so independent it scares me. He doesn't even want me to hold him most of the time. It's crazy. I miss my baby. But I'm so thankful, he's happy and healthy.
I've been going thru with my son's father lately. The other day we had a conversation that made me look at him differently. Those of you who have read my blog know that I think the world of him. He's been a truly amazing force in my life. But this conversation made me hate him. Made me feel like I couldn't trust him. I'm sad about that. I never thought I would be able to feel that way about him. Loyalty and trust are the two most important things to me in any relationship. Even in friendships. It's simple with me, either you're for me or you're against me. Period. That's how I am in all my relationships. If someone I love doesn't like you than I don't like you. Simple as that. If you have a problem with my family than you have a problem with me. Loyalty is something I find lacking in a lot of people I've come across and I simply won't tolerate it. The conversation I had with my son's father made me feel like he wasn't on my side and that made my insides churn. He said things that I never thought he would say and now I'm left with this bad taste in my mouth, and try as I mite I can’t seem to get rid of it. I'm trying to be rational and not let this one thing erase all the good he's done, but that's hard for me. Usually it's one and done. You have one time to disrespect me, one time to betray me, one time to hurt me… one time and I'm done. That's it. I will walk away from you so fast you'll wonder if I was ever really there. I don't give a frogs fat ass about the consequences. So right now I'm struggling with my old self and the person I am trying to become. A person who forgives for mistakes and gives second chances. Pray for me yall.
Not to much has been going on with me. Still preparing for my son's first birthday party on Sunday. I’m so excited. It's amazing how expensive a birthday party can get if you don't control yourself. I had to snap back to reality the other day at the party supply store. Anything that had Barney on it, I just put it in the cart. The price was irrelevant. The sky is the limit for my baby’s first birthday. Don't bring me just any Barney balloon, bring me the life-sized talking balloon. Paper cups? For my Peanut? Bring me the glass ones in the shape of Baby Bop. That is until I got to the register. $167.36? WTF? Am I crazy? Damn near $170 in cups and shit. I walked my happy ass back to the aisle, put everything back, and started over. Got some cups, plates, tablecloth, party hats, streamers... $69.20. That's more like it. I'll get the rest from Wal-Mart. As long as it's purple no one will know.
My baby walked last night. He's taken tentative steps before, but last night he walked from my sister all the way across the kitchen floor right into my open arms. Then I cried. Not because he could walk but because he's not my baby anymore. I know he's only one but this is just the beginning. First walking, then running, then preschool, kindergarten. What's next, beer... cigarettes? Why can't they stay this size forever? He's already so independent it scares me. He doesn't even want me to hold him most of the time. It's crazy. I miss my baby. But I'm so thankful, he's happy and healthy.
I've been going thru with my son's father lately. The other day we had a conversation that made me look at him differently. Those of you who have read my blog know that I think the world of him. He's been a truly amazing force in my life. But this conversation made me hate him. Made me feel like I couldn't trust him. I'm sad about that. I never thought I would be able to feel that way about him. Loyalty and trust are the two most important things to me in any relationship. Even in friendships. It's simple with me, either you're for me or you're against me. Period. That's how I am in all my relationships. If someone I love doesn't like you than I don't like you. Simple as that. If you have a problem with my family than you have a problem with me. Loyalty is something I find lacking in a lot of people I've come across and I simply won't tolerate it. The conversation I had with my son's father made me feel like he wasn't on my side and that made my insides churn. He said things that I never thought he would say and now I'm left with this bad taste in my mouth, and try as I mite I can’t seem to get rid of it. I'm trying to be rational and not let this one thing erase all the good he's done, but that's hard for me. Usually it's one and done. You have one time to disrespect me, one time to betray me, one time to hurt me… one time and I'm done. That's it. I will walk away from you so fast you'll wonder if I was ever really there. I don't give a frogs fat ass about the consequences. So right now I'm struggling with my old self and the person I am trying to become. A person who forgives for mistakes and gives second chances. Pray for me yall.
posted by Meka at 1:21 PM
5 Comments:
Awww, the first birthday. I'm sure that will be fun.
I hope your son's father and you come to a solution about this recent turn. Try not to let ONE conversation negate all that he has done.
Congrats to your son on his becoming a little man already...LOL. I also commend you for your p.o.v. concerning your tolerance level for ish in a relationship...either you're for me or you're against me pretty much sums it up perfectly in my book. I'll say a prayer that He will guide you in your decision, let it go already, because it's already been worked out...already.
awwwww@the baby growing up! that's so sweet...i cried on Christmas when i went to my aunt's house and seen my lil cousin's....well they're not quiet little anymore...i havent seent hem in over a year, and they're not 16, and 14, the two boys, and the girl is 13....i wanted to cry and did start crying a little bit and was like "OMG my babies are growing up" they were looking at me like i was so uncool, lol....they were looking at me crazy, but i couldnt help it...then i told them they turned into horrible teenagers, lol...
as for that situation with your childs father...i dont know what to say...as you see on my blog, i still havent been in a relationship...but i can understand where you're coming from about trusting people...i think i have a trust issue...but if you love him, you should tell him how he made you feel and really try to work it out...because none of us are perfect...and he probably dont know how you feel if you havent told him yet...i dont know, it may not be the best advice, but try that and just see...
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Forgivness is hard. Pray about it. Ask God for the strength to move past it and to truly forgive. I hope you can come to terms with this situation whatever it may be.
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