retrospect

i was thinking about you last night
reveling in season and color

winter brought you into my life
cold and brutal
blindingly white like first snowfall
we sipped hot chocolate and played like children
then like adults
i remember your fire then

spring thaw and birds in flight
flowers waking from their slumber
a kaleidoscope of purity
rain soaked moss
gave the air an earthy smell
love was pink and sweet
and we were vibrating with the newness
i remember your fire then

summer heat and blackouts
brought fierceness to our sex
made us sweat out our anger
until it dripped and pooled
we woke with the sun
and died with the moon
mosquito bitten frustration and lightning bug arguments
humidity swollen doors that wouldn't slam
i remember your fire then

not even three hundred and sixty five days could satisfy us
our love couldn't contain us
so we settled for less
autumn was the end
red and yellow leaves
swirled about us
as the bottom fell out
the air smelled of
allspice and wood burning
our last kiss tasted like
goodbye
i remember your fire then

i was thinking about you last night
reveling in seasons and color
autumn was the end

Friday Randomness

~the new girl is loud. so loud that when i'm on the phone my clients say "who is that in the background", she's also unprofessional, and black, which bothers me because her mess reflects on me too.
~i had a chicken ceaser salad from boston market today and it was so good, i contemplated going back to get another one for dinner.
~i have a little tiny crush on the man who delivers the water to our office. he looks like kenny from soul food (series, not movie)
~speaking of which are they ever going to release season 2 on dvd. it's been like two years since season one came out
~im addicted to tv on dvd. i love it. i have all of sex and the city, seinfeld, cosby show, golden girls, the l word, curb your enthusiasm, good times, and dawsons creek
~my sister laughs at me cause because i watch "white shows"
~which is so close minded, i like tv period.
~im so glad it's friday. i have to take my son to get a haircut, which i dread cause he always cries and squirms
~i need to get my eyebrows waxed before i have a unibrow
~my waxer was on vacation and i never let anyone touch them but him
~i had a bad experience with waxing before. to painful to even go into...
~i had myself convinced i was going to win the last powerball.
~i haven't had sex in about two months and i'm not sure how far off the next time is. that's just unnatural.
~as i'm writing this, i'm sipping on french vanilla carmel coffee
~i can't wait to get home. my feet are killing me.
~my son is such an angeldemon. he can be so sweet one minute, then the next he's smearing vaseline all over the place.
~i held my friends baby the other day and i think my uterus did a flip. i want another baby so bad. i miss that baby smell, and little clothes, and breastfeeding. ugh.
~i want floetry's new cd. i heard it's amazing. which doesn't surprise me.
~i've emptied out my head. everyone have a good weekend!

Fix You

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
~coldplay




After countless fights and reconciliations, after giving birth to his 7lb 3 oz namesake, after being fucked both mind and body, a million dark nights and early mornings on greyhound, grocery shopping, financially struggling, two new apartments, dinners, falling in love with his mom and pops, warmdaddys, tgi fridays, salty tears, sesame place, movies, holidays, flowers delivered both to and fro, after almost three years of constantly changing emotions... it's over.

I am emotionally drained and subsequently pissed off. I feel like the last two+ years of my life have been a waste. A waste of time and effort. It's hard to write in such harsh terms about something that was once so beautiful. It's hard to let go of something that was once your sole source of happiness. Maybe it's so hard now because it's real this time. I've written about the demise of our relationship several times before. Times when we said it was over but I knew in my heart of hearts it wasn't. This time is different. There was just a shift... so small it was almost imperceptible. But I felt it as if it were a 7.3 on the Richter scale. All of a sudden my mind and my heart were working in unison. They both said enough is enough. Where they had previously worked against each other they were now singular in their purpose to end what should have ended eons ago. To shed light on the fact that what once was is never more.

This is the man who loved me when I was scared to be loved. When I wasn't sure how to accept the gift that it is. He shifted my focus and unwound the thread of my excuses. This man knelt by my bedside when I was so sick it hurt to even open my eyelids. This man gave me a son, so integral to my survival that if something were to ever happen to him my heart would surely stop beating. This man fought for me when I didn't even know I was worth fighting for. He hovered over me during our lovemaking and said, "you are so fucking beautiful", and said it with such sincerity that in that moment I was so fucking beautiful. This man who is my best friend in the world and always represented what was good and right, now represents so much that I want to forget. It's over. Gone like it was never really there. Maybe there is more truth in those last six words then the thousand others we've spoken.

I'm burning up with the knowledge that this is the end and the beginning. It's so daunting to me right now; the challenge of raising a child together with the state of "us" so irrevocably damaged. Our baby needs us both but it's so hard for me to even look at him right now. But I'm livid. I can feel the anger and pain licking at me like flames from the fire. I want to hurt him like I hurt. I want to wipe that sarcasm from his lips and make him choke on it. I want to strip him of that cold persona borne from past hurts and betrayals, so that he stands before me naked and vulnerable. But I also want to love him and care for him like I always have. I want to suck the pain and frustration from him like snake poison. I want to make him smile and laugh and present all his needs and wants to him on a silver platter. I want to not feel this dichotomy. The doubleness of it all is killing me.

I fought so long and hard for this relationship. The reasons have shifted over time but there was always the thought that we were meant to be, fueling my desire to be with him. After I had my son that desire grew stronger. I didn't want to be a single mother. I didn't want to be another statistic or for my son to be from a broken home. How cliche and mediocre, another little brown boy being raised in a single parent home. So beneath our potential. I was so hell-bent on giving my son two parents who loved each other living under the same roof that I only saw what I wanted to see. The fact is, when you really get down to it he isn't who I thought he was. To be honest I wasn't who he wanted me to be. I'm not one of those silly women who thought they could change a man. I simply did not see all the things that would need to change about both of us in order for us to work. I didn't think, I just felt my way thru it.

So now I have to let go of the man I thought was the love of my life. I have to let go of my expectations and open myself up to the possibility of someone new. I never wanted to be the chick with baggage. The one who let her past relationships encumber her in her future ones. I know you have to give yourself over to love. Submit to it even. You have to try to love someone like you've never been hurt before or love will make a fool out of you and your half-assed attempt. So I know I have to say goodbye and let it go. I know it will be hard and I know it will hurt. Maybe one day we'll both be in a place in our lives that we can come together and make it work. Maybe not. I do know I will always love him and be there for him. I want him to have the best that life has to offer. I know he feels the same.

And high up above or down below,
When you're too in love to let it go.
If you never try you'll never know,
Just what you're worth.

Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones.
And I will try,
to Fix you.