Melancholy Blues

I don’t love easy
but I love hard
harder than diamonds
I don’t love smoothly
I do it rough
Like the pain in a Billie Holiday song

Loving you wasn’t in the plan
the plan changed
like the weather
instant
quick
catching me off guard

I was fiercely loyal to myself
to my heart
to my needs and my wants
I betrayed them in favor of you
your heart
your needs
your wants

I don’t love easy
but I love hard
harder than diamonds

Our love is about give and take
I give
give in
give up
you take

they say diamonds are forever
nothing is

I stole this...

13 Random things you love

1. God
2. my son
3. my family
4. sex
5. shoes
6. writing
7. reading
8. poetry
9. rain
10. sleep
11. food
12. tv
13. music



12 Movies

1. love jones
2. pillow talk
3. willy wonka & the chocolate factory
4. lord of the rings
5. tears of the sun
6. the patriot
7. harlem nights
8. sneakers
9. some like it hot
10. fahrenheit 9/11
11. dodgeball
12. friday


11 Good bands / artists

1. mary j. bilge
2. teddy pendagrass
3. atlantic star
4. earth wind & fire
5. sarah mclachlan
6. mos def
7. queen latifah
8. notorious b.i.g
9. daryl coley
10. mariah carey
11. rare essence

10 Things about you physically / personality

1. intelligent
2. witty
3. 5’1
4. nurturing
5. pessimistic
6. stubborn
7. funny
8. sad
9. happy
10. opinionated


9 Songs for your wedding / anniversary

1. these arms of mine – otis redding
2. loves holiday – earth wind & fire
3. lovers rock – sade
4. adore – prince
5. you – jesse powell
6. higher – d’angelo
7. kissing you – des’ree
8. love of my life – brian mcknight
9. dangerously in love – destinys child


8 Favorite Foods / Drinks

1. potatoes
2. pepsi
3. ben & jerrys vanilla carmel fudge ice cream
4. strawberries
5. watermelon jolly ranchers
6. hot wings
7. macaroni & cheese
8. salad

7 Things you always wear

1. arwen evenstar pendant
2. lip gloss
3. high heels
4. panties/bra
5. tattoos
6. deodorant
7. lotion


6 Pet Peeves

1. people who lie
2. incompetence
3. empty refrigerators
4. being broke
5. using public restrooms
6. arrogant people, especially if they have no reason to be



5 Things you touch everyday

1. my son
2. my phone
3. my tv/dvd player
4. my bathtub
5. my bed


4 Shows you watch

1. curb your enthusiasm
2. girlfriends
3. friends
4. news


3 Celebrities you have a crush on

1. mos def
2. moris chestnut
3. boris kodjoe


2 Current Wishes

1. to be debt free
2. to be happy


1 Person you could spend the rest of your life with
1. My son’s father

non sequitur

Day 5 in the sleep standoff. I have insomnia. I've had it since I was about 9. Right around the time my mother sent me to live with my dad. I kind of think it's situational. Whenever something stressful is going on in my life it disturbs my sleep. Really disturbs it. The longest I've gone without sleep has been 9 days. You know how you say "I didn't get any sleep last night" but what you really mean is you only got a couple of hours? Insomnia is not like that at all. No sleep means NO sleep. I try laying down, I try listening to music, I try turning up the heat... nothing works. I guess I just have to let it run it's course. Hopefully I'll be getting some sleep tonight.

Don't you just hate the end of relationships? I don't mean the actual breaking up, but the time period after you break up. It's just so sad. Everything is so different. You talk on the phone but it seems like you're strangers. Or you say something and it triggers a memory from when you were together. Or you get off the phone and you can’t say I love you, even though that’s what you’ve always done. It's just so awkward especially if you have a child with that person. I mean you can’t not talk. You have to because of the baby, and then that makes you angry because you have to talk to, and see the person that hurt you over and over again. How do you ever get closure?

You ever lower your standards to be with someone (and I mean really lower them), put up with shit that you would NEVER put up with, and then theybreak up with you? Doesn't that piss you off? Or is it just me?

My supervisor hired a lady from her church last year to work here. She’s one of her mom’s best friends. She does nothing all day but play solitaire and try to get out of work. I think she exerts more effort trying to get out of work, than she would if she actually did it.

My thoughts are non sequitur. That’s what happens when you don’t sleep, that and headaches. Sorry for rambling.

This to shall pass

Didn't really do anything this weekend but mope around the house. Did the mountains of laundry I should have done last week, and the week before, and... well you get the picture. Cleaned my house from top to bottom and got rid of all the clothes Peanut couldn't fit. I guess the theme of this weekend was cleaning house. In more ways than one I guess. I went thru all the things I've saved from our relationship. The movie stubs, the cards, the little notes he would leave when he left my house after a visit... everything. I started to throw it all away but I realized those things meant enough to me to save them, so I packed it up in a box, taped it and put it in the back of Peanut's closet. I will save those things for him so he can see the love he was created from.

As for me, I guess it's time to get on with it. Last night, after my fourth consecutive sleepless night (more on that later), I was thinking about this situation. I was wondering how I was gonna get thru this mess and if I really could move on. A little voice in my head said one word and I knew eventually I would be ok.

Terrill. It was the second semester of freshman year and I was at a party on campus. It was about six of us that went together. We were all from the same dorm. I didn't feel well so I went back to my room early. About an hour later there was a knock on my door and it was one of the girls that I had gone to the party with. She was in the band and told me that one of her friends from the band had seen me at the party and wanted my number. Of course I said no. I didn't really think that much about it until two days later when this guy calls my room. He asks for me by name but I didn't know him. He told me he saw me at the party and asked my friend for my number but I wouldn't give it to her so he had to get it by other means. To this day, I still don't know how he got it. His name was Terrill. We ended up talking for about 30 minutes, and during those 30 minutes he managed to get on my last nerves. I couldn't wait for that conversation to end. About a week goes by and we are all on the yard and the same girl comes up to me and points Terrill out to me. He was fine as hell, but all I kept thinking about was that conversation. That night I get another phone call, and again he grated on my nerves. We got off the phone and he called me back and hour later. I was all ready to tell him to stop calling me, but then the weirdest thing happened. He asked me my favorite song and I told him, and he put it on so I could hear it in the background. Then we just started talking. We talked for 10 hours that night. I will never forget it. We talked everyday and every night for the next month. We went to the movies; we would meet at the football field at night and just walk the track or sit on the bleachers. We talked about everything. He got to know me and he got me. You know what I mean? You ever meet someone who just gets you? That was Terrill. Needless to say we fell in love. He made me feel beautiful and funny and so many other things I can’t even describe. We had so much passion. We fought hard, made love hard, laughed hard, and loved each other… hard. We were together for five years. May of 99’ he came to stay at my house for the weekend. Friday night and all day Saturday we just chilled at my house, until his friend called us to go out. He wanted us to ride with him to pick up another friend of ours from work. I didn’t feel like it but Terrill decided to go. I was pissed at him cause’ we had plans that night. We got into a big ass argument and I said a lot of stuff to him that I regret to this day. His friend came to my house to pick him up and he left. It was the last time I saw him alive. His grandmother called me around 2am to see if Terrill was with me, and I explained to her that he had left with a friend and probably wouldn’t be back until tomorrow. She told me that she had gotten a call saying he had been in an accident. Of course I thought that was crazy but I called our friends house to see what was going on. No one answered, so I called the local hospital to see if any accidents were reported. There were none so I proceeded to call hospitals in other counties and sure enough there had been an accident. I didn’t even ask who was in the accident, I just knew. I knew it in my bones that it was him and that he wasn’t ok. There were four of them in the truck stopped at a red light, when a stupid bitch in a tractor trailer who didn’t know to stop driving when you are sleepy rammed into the back of the truck. The truck flipped over and exploded. Two got out and two didn’t. He was burned up. It took me an hour and a half to get to that hospital and the whole time I prayed it wasn’t true, that there had been some mix-up. There wasn’t. He was gone. My best friend, my lover, was gone. I cried for 2 weeks straight. I didn’t leave my room I didn’t eat or talk to anyone. I kept replaying in my head that argument we had, and the missed opportunity to tell him one more time that I loved him. I was so depressed I could barely move. I thought I would never get over that pain. But I did. Everyday it got a little better, the pain a little lighter. Everyday I felt a little less hopeless. So last night I was reminded if I could get thru that I can get thru this. Pray for me ya’ll.

Damn Right!

MVP!

Yesssssssssssssssss!!!!! The East wins an All-Star game after losing 3 years in a row, and Allen Iverson finally gets the respect and recognition he deserves.

I needed this

I saw this on someone's blog (sorry I couldn't link) and new right away it was meant for me to read. It was meant for me to know. Sometimes you don't know what you need until you get it. I needed this.

LET IT GO FOR 2005... by T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.

I don't want you to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you.

I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you, let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The Bible said that, "they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For if they had been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us."
(I John 2:19)

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay...Let them go. And it doesn't mean they are a bad person, it just means that their part in your story is over.

And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something, I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have, He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat, I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!!

If you are hanging on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to... LET IT GO!!!

If you are hanging on to past hurts and pains...LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you...LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding onto some thoughts of evil and revenge...LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding onto a job that no longer meets your needs or talents...LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude... LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...LET IT GO!!!

If you are stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him...LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship...LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themself... LET IT GO!!!

If you are feeling stressed and depressed...LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying, "take your hands off it," then you need to...LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2005!!! LET IT GO!!!

Get right or Get LEFT...think about it, and then... LET IT GO!!!

That's the way love goes...

It's been a weird few days for me. Monday I get surprised with flowers, candy and a teddy bear and then Tuesday I am severing the last remaining ties I have to my son's father. Now it's Wednesday, and we are talking about things like visitation and child support. I'm on an emotional roller coaster and I can't wait to get off. Can’t wait until it doesn’t hurt as much. I have never been thru anything like this before. I’m the one who chose to sever our ties, not because I don’t love him, but because I wasn’t happy with the way things are. I’m not comfortable “playing house”. He comes here, or I go there, we hang out like friends, fuck and then go on our merry way. That’s not enough for me anymore. I tried to do it, but I can’t. I need a commitment. I need to know that we are working towards the same goal and I just don’t feel we are. So I walked away. Damn didn’t I just post about that on Monday? Yup. Just like I said then, I don’t feel he’s as tied to me as I am to him. I don’t think he feels he has as much to lose. So I walked away.

He told me yesterday you shouldn't put expectations on people. WTF? To me that's a cop out. To me that's saying "don't put expectations on me cause' I might actually have to make an effort". Why wouldn't I put expectations on him? Why shouldn’t you expect the person your with to do the things that make you happy and not withhold them from you? Especially if you try do them for him. Aren't there expectations in all relationships, romantic or otherwise?

I used to think love conquers all. Maybe that was naive, but I did. I thought if you love someone and they love you, then you can overcome any obstacle. I was wrong. Love isn’t always enough. I guess I’m just old-fashioned. I don’t want to keep starting over. I have only been with 5 people in my life. Four of those were major relationships, all lasting at least 2 years. I don’t like to jump from man to man. I want a home and a family. I want my son to come home from school and see daddy there. Boys need their fathers. Especially these days. They need a man to teach them how to be a man. Someone they can talk to about things they can’t go to their mothers about. I know he can still be in his life but I never wanted it to be part time. I wanted to give him the best possible start in life, and to me that’s mom and dad at home together. I wanted to give him an example of a good relationship. Something he could model his own relationships after. I didn’t have that. I didn’t know what a healthy relationship between a man and a woman was. I had to find out for myself… the hard way. I don’t want that for my son. Now he’s just another little Black boy, from a broken home, being raised by his mother. How cliché. How generic and mediocre. It breaks my heart just thinking about it. And I know that I can raise him on my own, and I know that plenty of successful men come out of broken homes, but why should it have to be that way?

Right now my heart hurts so much I can't even think straight. Sorry for the ramblings. Maybe later I’ll be able to post something a little less depressing

Papa was a rolling stone

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone. Hope this day brings you passion, romance, and love!

I really didn’t do anything this weekend but clean my house and separate my laundry so I can do it on Wednesday. I finally took the DVD player I got for Christmas back to Target. It’s been acting up since day one but I kept forgetting to take it back. So finally I did. I get the new one home, set it up and it starts acting up just like the old one. My brand new Murphy Brown DVD is stuck in it as we speak. Now I have to go to Target and show my ass cause’ I know they are going to try to make me get another of the same one but I’m not having it. What’s the chance that only two of that brand is defective? I’d be willing to bet they are all crap.

I’m sitting here at work happily typing my post and in walks the florist. I think to myself “so it begins” but low and behold… the delivery is for me. I’m so happy right now my face hurts from smiling so much. He can be so amazing when he wants to be. I’m gonna give him something he can feel when I see him this weekend, best believe it!

I talked to my friend last night for about two hours. She and her husband are separating. They've been married for 6 years but together for 11. She said they had been arguing a lot over the past few weeks about finances, the kids, him going out all night and not calling etc... Saturday he came home after being out all night Friday, packed a bag, told her he "was out" and left. She hasn't heard from him since. Her situation got me to thinking about what it's like to be a man or at the very least what goes thru a man’s mind in a situation like this.

Now I feel there are things that shouldn’t be tolerated in a relationship. Period. For me they’re abuse or disrespect of any kind, continuous infidelity, and lack of communication. I could probably think of more but those are some of the big ones. But I’ve been a witness to their relationship and those things weren’t a factor. Things only started getting bad a few weeks ago when he was laid off. He decided he wasn’t going to look for a job and just sit on his ass all day and party all night. Their finances started declining and the arguments started and then bam! he’s gone. How do you just walk away from someone you've been with over a decade without so much as a tear, an explanation, or some hesitation? I've been the woman who was walked away from, and I’ve been the woman who walked away. The difference is, when I walked away, I honored what we had and I honored the reasons we were together in the first place. I've been that woman calling my girlfriends to see if maybe they could shed some light on what I might not be seeing because of my pain and I've been the one to go over in my head what possibly could have caused him to walk out. To me that’s disrespect. Have the common courtesy to tell me why you left. Don’t just assume I know. Don’t just assume that a few arguments would have been clues to foretell your leaving me. Why does it seem like some men can walk away from their women, from their children, from their homes seemingly without so much as a second thought?

I mean I understand that sometimes relationships just don't work out. Some things just aren't meant to be. I also know that women are not the easiest people to deal with. But why does it seem like it’s easier for the man to walk away than the woman? I'm a pretty independent person. I can be alone. Sometimes I prefer it. I'm not a woman has to have a man, and I'm not a woman who doesn't want a man either. I fall right in between. I think the right man can be complimentary to my life. But I want a man who is just as tied to me as I am to him. I don't mean rolling around on the floor begging 'please baby don't go', but I want someone who is just as committed to our relationship as I am. Someone who feels he has just as much to lose if he walks away from me as I do if I walk away from him. Is it that men feel what we feel but are to ashamed to admit it? Is it easier for them to walk away than drop their pride or is it simply that they don’t care as much, they don’t invest as much? Let me know what you think.

About the book club, I figured I would start a new blog under this one and use that to discuss our books. I'm gonna start working on that today or tomorrow. If anyone has a suggestion for naming the new blog let me know. Also we need to come up with the first book.

St. Bitter-tine's Day

This Valentine's Day will be spent with my son. The only person I'm involved with romantically (and I use that term very, very loosely) is my son's father and he's gone back to Philly. So Peanut is my Valentine this year. How pathetic is that?

I know Valentine's Day is just one day, and I know it's been commercialized and maybe it shouldn't matter to me if I don't get anything...but it will. I'm not gonna lie. I have never had a good Valentine's Day. Ever. What makes that statement even sadder is that I've had a boyfriend, with the exception of last year, for the past few years. We either ended up arguing and didn't celebrate or he had to work.

Everyone says it doesn't matter, but how many of you deep down inside get a little jealous every time the florist shows up at your job with flowers and teddy bears for some other chick? I know I do and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Ok maybe a little. But let's be real about the shit. No matter how much I try not to, every time the door opens to my office, I get a little twinge of anticipation. And every time the delivery guy says someone else’s name, I get a little twinge of jealousy and disappointment. I can't lie...I want it to be me. I'm not a materialistic person. Anything I want, I can buy it for myself, but on Valentine's Day I want the dozen roses sent to my job. I want the big ass teddy bear and the balloons. I want the romance and the dinner by candlelight. I don't care if it's fish sticks and french fries. Put that shit on the good china and light some candles.

Anyway...

Last night my baby was sleeping and I hear this noise, so I go in to check on him and he was laughing... in his sleep. He was cracking up like he was at a comedy club. It was too cute. Of course my camcorder wasn't charged so I missed it. I am such a scatterbrain when it comes to stuff like that. When I first found out I was pregnant I put a camcorder on my list for Christmas. I just knew I was going to record every moment, every milestone. Half the time I don't even remember to charge the thing up. I even forgot to bring it to his birthday party.

I’ve been thinking about starting a book club for bloggers. I'm not sure where to begin so if anyone has any suggestions they are welcome. Maybe we can vote on a book to read and then discuss it on one central blog. Or anyone who participates could suggest a book too. These are just ideas off the top of my head. I read a lot and I love to discuss the books I read so I figured this would be a good place to do it. Let me know what you think.

Peanut's First Birthday

I'm 1 today!

Here are pics from my baby's first birthday party. He is such a character. So much personality. His facial expressions crack me up on the regular. As my Jewish friend would say he's got chutzpah!

Bush, Burberry, Potty Training & Cotton-headed daydreams ....

Ok, my plan was never to blog about Bush again. I figured he won a second term so I might as well suck it up and deal with it, and be happy in the knowledge it was only 4 more years. But after seeing the proposed budget and some of the early details that are emerging I cannot sit in silence. The President is committed to this war. He's not going to admit it was a mistake and he isn't going to pull out anytime soon. This war is costing the US about a billion dollars a week and that figure is only going to get higher. So now in order to balance the cost of the war, he is cutting vital programs. One-third of the programs being targeted for elimination are Educational Programs. So much for No Child Left Behind. It was already under funded, and now he is seeking to decrease that funding even more. He's already made it damn near impossible to qualify for Medicaid and is now proposing to restrain Medicaid growth even further. There are already too many American's without healthcare and you want to make it harder? What the fuck? What happens when you're not old enough for Social Security and your working a job with no benefits like my mom? You're ass out, that's what. I have to say he did do a few positive things. He increased Pell Grants, and is giving more support to high-school programs, job-training efforts, and community health clinics. That's fine but it's not enough. It's not enough for the millions of people without healthcare, it's not enough for the poor, it's not enough for the farmers who's aid is being cut. It's exclusionary and it's not enough. Instead of funneling more and more money into this fucking war, into Defense and Homeland Security invest it in our schools, our youth, and our elderly. I'm not saying Homeland security programs aren’t important, they are, but they aren’t the only programs that are. Conveniently left out of the budget were the cost of the war, overhauling Social Security, the long-term costs of making his tax cuts permanent, and the stupid-ass AMT. Once again he is giving American’s his version of the truth. During his State of the Union address he said, “America’s prosperity requires restraining the spending appetite of the federal government.” “The principle here is clear: a taxpayer dollar must be spent wisely, or not at all.” What he meant is a taxpayer dollar must be spent his way or not at all.

He is also proposing a five-year budget instead of a 10-year plan, which is customary. So we won’t even feel the impact of his budget until he is out of office, and when we do it won’t be pretty. Sen. Kent Conrad of North Dakota, the top Democrat on the Senate Budget Committee, called Bush's budget the "tip of the iceberg" because once beyond its five-year window "the cost of everything he advocates just explodes."

I keep hearing Bush talk about Iraq's future. What I want to know is what do you see for America’s future? What legacy are you leaving for my son? What future does he have?

I usually don't wear perfume. I use Coast or Lever 2000 soap, and I love the fresh, clean smell it leaves on my skin. I also use cocoa and mango butter. I use it all year around. It’s natural and it smells amazing. During Christmas I was out shopping for perfume for my mom and sister. I was going from counter to counter smelling the different fragrances when I came across Burberry London. Oh my God. I have never smelled anything like it. I fell in love with it instantly. I can’t even describe it. Benjamin bought me some when he came down here last week and I’ve been wearing it ever since. It makes me feel grown and sexy when I wear it. A little bit feisty too. It’s so sensuous and sexy smelling. Makes me think of spoken-word, jazz, Zanzibar blue, and making love in the rain.

I am about to start potty-training my Peanut. How I’m going to accomplish this is beyond me because he won’t sit still for a second. I am imagining him running around butt-booty naked, piss and shit all over my house and me running behind him trying to clean it up. Wish me luck yall.

I have a sinus infection. My head feels like it’s packed with cotton and my eyes hurt like hell. I have been sick the majority of the winter. I’m sick of being sick. I'm daydreaming about someplace warm where Peanut and me can play on the beach and lay in the sun. I can partake of fruity drinks with umbrellas in them and be waited on hand and foot by an oiled-up native. Until then I guess I’ll be sucking down the Tylenol.

Peanut's first haircut

Why are you doing this to me?

I wanted to cry just as much as he did. He looks so much older now. Where did my baby go?

Chuck E Cheese sucks!

I've been on vacation.....from everything. I didn't do anything all week but sit on my ass, shop, play with my son and his father, and eat. It was great!

Sunday was my Benjamin's first birthday. The party at Chuck E Cheese was pretty much a flop, because he was sick and didn't want to do anything but sit on my lap with his head on my shoulder. He didn't want to play, or ride the rides...nothing. He got a shitload of stuff though. His closet is full of clothes. He has so much stuff, I'm going to give some of it away to the Salvation Army. He'll never play with it all, we still have stuff from Christmas not opened. All the other kids enjoyed the party except when Chuck came out. They were scared out of their minds. It was so funny. I was laughing my ass off. Next year will be better because he'll be able to run around and enjoy things more.

The waitress pissed me off. First off when you have a party there they have a timetable they follow. They have it written down and everything. I wasn't aware of it until the day of the party. She comes up to me and says "at 10 minutes after you need to round up all the kids and bring them to the table to eat. At 20 minutes after I will bring out the drinks and fill their cups so they can drink" ... so forth and so on. So I told her I didn’t want to go by a timetable. Just bring out the pizza and drinks and they will eat when they want to. So she has the balls to say to me "who are you to say that? it's not your say how the party goes, it's mine. I'm the hostess". I was pissed. I spent my money to have a party here, I will have the party the way I want to. I rented the tables for 90 minutes. As long as I stay within those 90 minutes then that's all that matters, and I walked away from her. So that was strike #1. Strike #2 came when I asked her to bring out the ice cream. She tells me it's not time for the cake and ice cream because Chuck is about to come out. So I ask her “are we going to keep running into problems like this all night?” I asked for my ice cream to be brought out from the back and that's what I want. Period. I don't care if Jesus is about to come out bring me my shit. So she goes and gets the ice cream. When she comes back to the table she opens up the cake box, lifts the cake out of the box and then gets a knife and proceeds to cut the cake. WTF??? I don't need you to cut my cake, I can cut it myself. Who are you to cut the cake that I bought? So she says "we usually cut the cake". I just ignored her. But she kept asking me "do you want me to cut the cake". I mean how many times do I have to say no? Finally she backed off. That was strike #2. I was waiting for strike #3 so I could really go off on her. I was itching to get the chance. But the shift changed and I got another "hostess" to help with the end of the party. She was lucky. How are kids supposed to have fun if everything is so regimented? Let them run around and eat candy and cake and be kids. That’s the point of me having the party there and not my house. So they could run around like sugar-addicted maniacs. Is their motto "where the hostess can be a bitch" or “where a kid can be a kid”? I think that’s the last party I will be having at C.E.C.

My son’s father sent me flowers on Friday. We hadn’t talked since that conversation I mentioned in my last post. I guess he thought he would smooth things out before he came down here. It didn’t work, although he thinks it did. I just decided not to make a big deal out of it right now. He came down here to spend time with our son for his birthday, so I let it go. For now. I just don’t look at him the same after that conversation. I don't know if I can trust him like I did before it happened. It’s not something that I will get over anytime soon. All the flowers in the world won’t change it. Only time will. It was a nice gesture on his part so I accepted them and let this week be about our son. But when he goes back home I think I need some space to really think things over.