That's the way love goes...
It's been a weird few days for me. Monday I get surprised with flowers, candy and a teddy bear and then Tuesday I am severing the last remaining ties I have to my son's father. Now it's Wednesday, and we are talking about things like visitation and child support. I'm on an emotional roller coaster and I can't wait to get off. Can’t wait until it doesn’t hurt as much. I have never been thru anything like this before. I’m the one who chose to sever our ties, not because I don’t love him, but because I wasn’t happy with the way things are. I’m not comfortable “playing house”. He comes here, or I go there, we hang out like friends, fuck and then go on our merry way. That’s not enough for me anymore. I tried to do it, but I can’t. I need a commitment. I need to know that we are working towards the same goal and I just don’t feel we are. So I walked away. Damn didn’t I just post about that on Monday? Yup. Just like I said then, I don’t feel he’s as tied to me as I am to him. I don’t think he feels he has as much to lose. So I walked away.
He told me yesterday you shouldn't put expectations on people. WTF? To me that's a cop out. To me that's saying "don't put expectations on me cause' I might actually have to make an effort". Why wouldn't I put expectations on him? Why shouldn’t you expect the person your with to do the things that make you happy and not withhold them from you? Especially if you try do them for him. Aren't there expectations in all relationships, romantic or otherwise?
I used to think love conquers all. Maybe that was naive, but I did. I thought if you love someone and they love you, then you can overcome any obstacle. I was wrong. Love isn’t always enough. I guess I’m just old-fashioned. I don’t want to keep starting over. I have only been with 5 people in my life. Four of those were major relationships, all lasting at least 2 years. I don’t like to jump from man to man. I want a home and a family. I want my son to come home from school and see daddy there. Boys need their fathers. Especially these days. They need a man to teach them how to be a man. Someone they can talk to about things they can’t go to their mothers about. I know he can still be in his life but I never wanted it to be part time. I wanted to give him the best possible start in life, and to me that’s mom and dad at home together. I wanted to give him an example of a good relationship. Something he could model his own relationships after. I didn’t have that. I didn’t know what a healthy relationship between a man and a woman was. I had to find out for myself… the hard way. I don’t want that for my son. Now he’s just another little Black boy, from a broken home, being raised by his mother. How cliché. How generic and mediocre. It breaks my heart just thinking about it. And I know that I can raise him on my own, and I know that plenty of successful men come out of broken homes, but why should it have to be that way?
Right now my heart hurts so much I can't even think straight. Sorry for the ramblings. Maybe later I’ll be able to post something a little less depressing
He told me yesterday you shouldn't put expectations on people. WTF? To me that's a cop out. To me that's saying "don't put expectations on me cause' I might actually have to make an effort". Why wouldn't I put expectations on him? Why shouldn’t you expect the person your with to do the things that make you happy and not withhold them from you? Especially if you try do them for him. Aren't there expectations in all relationships, romantic or otherwise?
I used to think love conquers all. Maybe that was naive, but I did. I thought if you love someone and they love you, then you can overcome any obstacle. I was wrong. Love isn’t always enough. I guess I’m just old-fashioned. I don’t want to keep starting over. I have only been with 5 people in my life. Four of those were major relationships, all lasting at least 2 years. I don’t like to jump from man to man. I want a home and a family. I want my son to come home from school and see daddy there. Boys need their fathers. Especially these days. They need a man to teach them how to be a man. Someone they can talk to about things they can’t go to their mothers about. I know he can still be in his life but I never wanted it to be part time. I wanted to give him the best possible start in life, and to me that’s mom and dad at home together. I wanted to give him an example of a good relationship. Something he could model his own relationships after. I didn’t have that. I didn’t know what a healthy relationship between a man and a woman was. I had to find out for myself… the hard way. I don’t want that for my son. Now he’s just another little Black boy, from a broken home, being raised by his mother. How cliché. How generic and mediocre. It breaks my heart just thinking about it. And I know that I can raise him on my own, and I know that plenty of successful men come out of broken homes, but why should it have to be that way?
Right now my heart hurts so much I can't even think straight. Sorry for the ramblings. Maybe later I’ll be able to post something a little less depressing
posted by Meka at 2:38 PM
1 Comments:
Stay strong, young honey. And keep the faith.
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