The Art of War
Sun-Tzu The Art of War Chapter 6: Weakness & Strength
Generally the one who first occupies the battlefield awaiting the enemy is at ease; the one who comes later and rushes into battle is fatigued.
Therefore those skilled in warfare move the enemy, and are not moved by the enemy.
Getting the enemy to approach on his own accord is a matter of showing him advantage; stopping him from approaching is a matter of showing him harm.
Therefore, if the enemy is at ease, be able to exhaust him
If the enemy is well fed, be able to starve him
If the enemy is settled, be able to move him
Appear at places where he must rush to defend, and rush to places where he least expects.
I try to apply much of this philosophy to daily life. The word enemy can be easily replaced with boss, co-worker, friend, or lover. To me this chapter is about emotional and mental preparedness. I grew up in a household where tears and excuses were not tolerated. Where strength was rewarded and weakness was punished. Where being right was important and winning was everything. I think in a way it stunted my emotional growth but I also feel it prepared me for the cruelties and unfairness of life. I try to always be the one with the upper hand. “Therefore those skilled in warfare move the enemy, and are not moved by the enemy.” Words to live by, don’t you think?
I don't like to be surprised or unprepared. To be prepared for anything is a skill that takes a lot of hard work to sharpen and can never be mastered. But still I try. To me mental preparedness is important if you don't want to go thru life dumbfounded.
The only place I fail, and miserably I might add, is in relationships. When it comes to relationships, I find myself flailing and struggling to keep up with all the little things you have to maintain to make them successful. In relationships people often surprise me and have me scrambling to find my footing. I hate that feeling. All the little idiosyncrasies people have, the character flaws, the emotional baggage, are very hard for me to handle because I always believe the best about someone and when I see the worse it really devastates me. My biggest problem is expecting from others what I would give. In doing so I am disappointed 90% of the time.
Maintaining friendships are like a full time job. Especially with women. Friendships with women can be the most fulfilling things you will ever have in your life. There is nothing like having a good girlfriend to talk to and shop with and tell your secrets too. But there is a flip side to that. Usually in relationships with females you have to constantly be aware of her feelings. It's like navigating a land mine. One wrong step and you're obliterated. I was listening to the radio the other day and for some reason they were talking about the show Golden Girls. One of the radio personalities said she told her girlfriends that's how they would be when they got old, and the other guy said "Black women don't stay friends that long". It really got me to thinking about it. I have lost so many good girlfriends over dumb stuff it's not even funny. Friends that I’ve known since grade school and we fell out over money or he said she said shit. Things that shouldn't even matter. For me it is difficult to deal with the little necessities and intricacies of friendships. I’m better with the tangible things. Need to borrow money? If I have it, it's yours. Need me to baby-sit? Bring the rugrat over. Need a place to stay? Come on in. All the major crises my friends face, they know to call me cause' I'm there. I will give them my last. It's the emotionality of friendships that I struggle with, the words of encouragement, the shoulder to cry on. If my friend comes to me crying because she lost her job, it is hard for me sit and listen to her cry about it, I want to get the want ads and start looking. I want to get online and help get her resume together. That's my way of showing I care. I've lost friendships over my perceived nonchalance. It's not that I don't care; I just show that I care differently, the only way I know how really. Is this some kind of flaw in my character? I mean shouldn't I be able to deal with the complexities of friendships? I have a few good girlfriends who really understand me and take me for who I am, and I am so grateful for them. But sometimes I feel like I have missed out on a lot.
Having said all that, the question that keeps ringing in my head is:
Are relationships hard for other Black women or is it just me?
Generally the one who first occupies the battlefield awaiting the enemy is at ease; the one who comes later and rushes into battle is fatigued.
Therefore those skilled in warfare move the enemy, and are not moved by the enemy.
Getting the enemy to approach on his own accord is a matter of showing him advantage; stopping him from approaching is a matter of showing him harm.
Therefore, if the enemy is at ease, be able to exhaust him
If the enemy is well fed, be able to starve him
If the enemy is settled, be able to move him
Appear at places where he must rush to defend, and rush to places where he least expects.
I try to apply much of this philosophy to daily life. The word enemy can be easily replaced with boss, co-worker, friend, or lover. To me this chapter is about emotional and mental preparedness. I grew up in a household where tears and excuses were not tolerated. Where strength was rewarded and weakness was punished. Where being right was important and winning was everything. I think in a way it stunted my emotional growth but I also feel it prepared me for the cruelties and unfairness of life. I try to always be the one with the upper hand. “Therefore those skilled in warfare move the enemy, and are not moved by the enemy.” Words to live by, don’t you think?
I don't like to be surprised or unprepared. To be prepared for anything is a skill that takes a lot of hard work to sharpen and can never be mastered. But still I try. To me mental preparedness is important if you don't want to go thru life dumbfounded.
The only place I fail, and miserably I might add, is in relationships. When it comes to relationships, I find myself flailing and struggling to keep up with all the little things you have to maintain to make them successful. In relationships people often surprise me and have me scrambling to find my footing. I hate that feeling. All the little idiosyncrasies people have, the character flaws, the emotional baggage, are very hard for me to handle because I always believe the best about someone and when I see the worse it really devastates me. My biggest problem is expecting from others what I would give. In doing so I am disappointed 90% of the time.
Maintaining friendships are like a full time job. Especially with women. Friendships with women can be the most fulfilling things you will ever have in your life. There is nothing like having a good girlfriend to talk to and shop with and tell your secrets too. But there is a flip side to that. Usually in relationships with females you have to constantly be aware of her feelings. It's like navigating a land mine. One wrong step and you're obliterated. I was listening to the radio the other day and for some reason they were talking about the show Golden Girls. One of the radio personalities said she told her girlfriends that's how they would be when they got old, and the other guy said "Black women don't stay friends that long". It really got me to thinking about it. I have lost so many good girlfriends over dumb stuff it's not even funny. Friends that I’ve known since grade school and we fell out over money or he said she said shit. Things that shouldn't even matter. For me it is difficult to deal with the little necessities and intricacies of friendships. I’m better with the tangible things. Need to borrow money? If I have it, it's yours. Need me to baby-sit? Bring the rugrat over. Need a place to stay? Come on in. All the major crises my friends face, they know to call me cause' I'm there. I will give them my last. It's the emotionality of friendships that I struggle with, the words of encouragement, the shoulder to cry on. If my friend comes to me crying because she lost her job, it is hard for me sit and listen to her cry about it, I want to get the want ads and start looking. I want to get online and help get her resume together. That's my way of showing I care. I've lost friendships over my perceived nonchalance. It's not that I don't care; I just show that I care differently, the only way I know how really. Is this some kind of flaw in my character? I mean shouldn't I be able to deal with the complexities of friendships? I have a few good girlfriends who really understand me and take me for who I am, and I am so grateful for them. But sometimes I feel like I have missed out on a lot.
Having said all that, the question that keeps ringing in my head is:
Are relationships hard for other Black women or is it just me?
posted by Meka at 1:16 PM
3 Comments:
Meka - I swear that I could have written that paragraph that has u devastated and disappointed 90% of the time in failing relationships. You're not the only one, I think we are examples of many that have probs with relationships. Some of us "appear" to be more pulled together than others, but inside its the same ole song. I only have 2 female friends that I think I'll probably die being exremely cool with them...other than that, it is hard to maintain healthy relationships.
Meka...can't speak much as to the relationship question concerning other black women, but I do want to say that your philosophy on the "art of war" is certainly a worthy one. Preparedness is priceless.
I'm going to take a stab at this, and granted I'm coming from a male's perspective. I think that we are kindred spirits. I found myself nodding my head as I read your post. For a married man, I have quite a number of females who're my friends. In fact, my best friend is a femle. And I do find myself walking on eggshells, not so much with her, but with some of my other female friends because I have to suppress alot of my off-the-top of my head banter.
I mean no harm when I say the things that I say. I'm simply being me and I'm me with an edge. I'm a free talker and very spirited individual. And like yourself, I was raised to not be such a "crybaby" and mope at my shortcomings. I was raised to react and move on. Especially being a man. Some folks aren't cut from that mold. Men and women. Its in some of them to mope, and be down and feel self-pity when things don't go right.
And granted, when I say some of them (I mean women in my immediate circle) in talking to them, many of them are going through a myriad of issues in relationships. They are hard for them as well. Not to mention the emotional drain that comes from one failed relationship after the other. I can go on and on, but in closing I too have lost friends over b.s. I'd like to think
that my friendships will be eternal, but the sad truth reared its head when I told one female friend recently.
I'm one sensitive comment away from being an ex-friend. She always says no that will never happen, but I know the deal. What can I do? I can only be me. They've got to love me the way that I am, much like the way I love them. Great and thought-provoking post luv. I was feeling the references to Sun Tzu as well. That took me back.
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