that's all folks.......

"Perfect love is rare indeed - for to be a lover will require that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar and the fortitude of the certain."

-----Leo Buscaqlia

It's over. How many people saw that coming? I sure as hell didn't. I thought for sure even with all the drama, that this was it, he was the one. Wrong again. Love is not for me anymore. It doesn't work for me. I don't know how to make it work. I am who I am. Good, bad, and everything in between. I will never leave myself raw and exposed for anyone ever again. I hate him for making me love him (which I know is a bit over-dramatic and entirely off-base). When we first met, I didn't want a relationship. I said then I was done with the love thing. He convinced me otherwise. He said "have faith", and here I am. I hate that I let anyone get that close. I never, ever want to see him again. Of course that's impossible because I was irresponsible, got pregnant and had his baby. I was stupid enough to think that it would all work out. That's what I get for going against my gut. He say's he doesn't want to be just parents. Meaning he doesn't want all of our conversations to be just about the baby, how he's doing, what he needs, so forth and so on. He said he would start feeling resentment cause he would want to hang out and be cool. Yeah right, like that's going to happen. We are going to fall into the same pattern we always fall into. Doing all the things we did when we were a couple but not having the title. Nope, not gonna happen. I'm not gonna be used like that. Does anyone think that a relationship not based on love has a chance of working? I was thinking about that. Look at the divorce rate in this country. All those relationships based on love aren't working out. Maybe two people who really care about each other, want the same things out of life, but are not "in love" could really make it work. To me that's more practical and reliable than love. Love makes you crazy and irrational.

I'm so emotionally drained it's unbelievable. Between being a full-time parent, working, dealing with my sons health issues, dealing with my son's father...I'm tired. I'm tired of putting everyone's needs before my own. Why do I do that? I was raised by my step-mother and she did that. Once I got old enough to see it, it used to piss me off that she was like that. I always said that I wouldn't be like her. And here I am. Why are women always taught to suffer in silence? Why are we taught that our needs don't matter? That our husbands, our children always come first? Why are our dreams not as important, our goals not as reachable, our desires not to be fulfilled? Being the martyr isn't what it's cracked up to be. It's a role I didn't realize I auditioned for but a part I play nevertheless. I am so tired of being the one who always has to bend and break to other people's will. I'm tired of always being expected to back down. So I'm not. Sometimes I think one of the conditions of his love is that I have to do whatever makes him happy and put what makes me happy on a shelf. If that's the case than I don't want it. Especially when my love for him is unconditional.