my son the potty mouth
I realized yesterday that my son is leading a more exciting life than I am. I mean he goes out everyday and plays, meets new people, learns a ton of new things, and is hugged and kissed and loved all day everyday. Last night I ate leftovers and watched Golden Girls. How crazy is that?
Anyway... he is really walking well now. He walks with his shoulders hunched up, on his tippy toes, then he’ll fall down so fast it’s like somebody shot him. It's so funny and cute. All this walking leaves me wondering what happened to my baby? It breaks my heart to know that I will never have that time again. I used to lay on the couch and fall asleep with him on my chest. Smelling that sweet baby smell and listening to him breathing. Or I would walk around with him on my shoulder while I did things around the house. I miss that. But it's also exciting and fun to teach him new things. Right now we are working on numbers. If you say the number one to him, he will put up one finger. I'm trying to teach him how to say it but we haven't gotten that far yet. However he does say daddy, mama, up, stop (usually while he’s doing something he’s not supposed to), no, Jesus, and shit. If you are doing a double take and re-reading that last statement... no need. My son says shit. The first time I heard him say it I didn't really believe it. I thought maybe he was saying stop. Then he said it again and it came out so clear and loud I was floored. You might be wondering who he heard that particular word from. Guilty! I have the foulest mouth on the planet. I mean it’s legendary. That is one thing I really try to work on but I don't seem to be making any progress. I've had a filthy mouth ever since I was a kid. I think I got it from my father who would cuss you out in a minute. I guess I have to try a little harder not to cuss around my son. I don't want him in church screaming the word shit during the sermon.
Nothing has changed on the relationship front. I’m going up there this weekend so it will be interesting to see how we interact with each other. I really haven’t thought about it too much over the past few days because I’ve been so busy. I actually went on a date. If you really knew me you would understand how big that is, but since you don’t, suffice it to say it’s very big. I was thinking about not going, since I am still in love with Benjamin. I was going crazy thinking about whether I was ready to date someone else, whether I should tell the guy that I was in love with someone else so he wouldn’t think this could go anywhere. Then my friend, God love her, reminded me that it was just a date. But see that’s the crazy thing about it… I’ve never dated. I’ve either been alone or been in a relationship. There was never that dating phase. It just seemed like we were “talking” and then we were together. So this is all fairly new to me. So once I realized that it was just a date and there wouldn’t be any proposals J, I went. I was very upfront about what I was thinking and feeling, not in that scary way of someone who tells you too much, but just in an informative way. He seemed appreciative of my effort to keep him informed and I have to admit it went better than I thought. The conversation was amazing as was the food and the restaurant. I would venture to say he enjoyed himself as well. Except maybe when I spilled water on him. I’m a very clumsy person and when I’m nervous that clumsiness is personified to the nth power. So a little spillage was a given. I guess I should have told him thatJ. The only thing that marred the evening is the guilt I felt. The guilt was there for numerous reasons. First I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I found out Benjamin was on a date with someone, the thousand pieces my heart broke into when we broke up would break into a thousand pieces. I would literally flip the hell out. Secondly, I felt guilty that I left my son with his godmother to go out on said date. Lastly I felt that somehow going out on this date ended all chance of Benjamin and I getting back together. Like it was symbolic or something. A part of me didn’t want to let go of that hope because it’s something I want very much, and a part of me wanted to because holding on to that hope just keeps me stuck. I guess I’ll just keep taking it day by day and see how things go.
Thank you everyone for the positive comments about my poem. I have never posted a poem on my blog because some of them are so personal and also for fear that they aren’t any good. I mean your mom and your sister aren’t exactly non-biased sources. I’ve been writing poetry since I was 7 and have always been a little uncomfortable about sharing that side of myself with others, so your comments were especially encouraging. Thank you!
I just thought of a question… I went out on a date, but I feel that Benjamin would have less to worry about because I would never do anything with someone else as long as I was still I love with him. That’s not fair to me or that other person. But I’m not sure I could say the same. I mean if he went out on a date and the girl offered it up, is he gonna turn it down because he is still in love with me? I don’t think so. I think he feels as long as we are broken up any female is fair game. Does anyone feel there is a double standard when it comes to dating after a break-up?
Anyway... he is really walking well now. He walks with his shoulders hunched up, on his tippy toes, then he’ll fall down so fast it’s like somebody shot him. It's so funny and cute. All this walking leaves me wondering what happened to my baby? It breaks my heart to know that I will never have that time again. I used to lay on the couch and fall asleep with him on my chest. Smelling that sweet baby smell and listening to him breathing. Or I would walk around with him on my shoulder while I did things around the house. I miss that. But it's also exciting and fun to teach him new things. Right now we are working on numbers. If you say the number one to him, he will put up one finger. I'm trying to teach him how to say it but we haven't gotten that far yet. However he does say daddy, mama, up, stop (usually while he’s doing something he’s not supposed to), no, Jesus, and shit. If you are doing a double take and re-reading that last statement... no need. My son says shit. The first time I heard him say it I didn't really believe it. I thought maybe he was saying stop. Then he said it again and it came out so clear and loud I was floored. You might be wondering who he heard that particular word from. Guilty! I have the foulest mouth on the planet. I mean it’s legendary. That is one thing I really try to work on but I don't seem to be making any progress. I've had a filthy mouth ever since I was a kid. I think I got it from my father who would cuss you out in a minute. I guess I have to try a little harder not to cuss around my son. I don't want him in church screaming the word shit during the sermon.
Nothing has changed on the relationship front. I’m going up there this weekend so it will be interesting to see how we interact with each other. I really haven’t thought about it too much over the past few days because I’ve been so busy. I actually went on a date. If you really knew me you would understand how big that is, but since you don’t, suffice it to say it’s very big. I was thinking about not going, since I am still in love with Benjamin. I was going crazy thinking about whether I was ready to date someone else, whether I should tell the guy that I was in love with someone else so he wouldn’t think this could go anywhere. Then my friend, God love her, reminded me that it was just a date. But see that’s the crazy thing about it… I’ve never dated. I’ve either been alone or been in a relationship. There was never that dating phase. It just seemed like we were “talking” and then we were together. So this is all fairly new to me. So once I realized that it was just a date and there wouldn’t be any proposals J, I went. I was very upfront about what I was thinking and feeling, not in that scary way of someone who tells you too much, but just in an informative way. He seemed appreciative of my effort to keep him informed and I have to admit it went better than I thought. The conversation was amazing as was the food and the restaurant. I would venture to say he enjoyed himself as well. Except maybe when I spilled water on him. I’m a very clumsy person and when I’m nervous that clumsiness is personified to the nth power. So a little spillage was a given. I guess I should have told him thatJ. The only thing that marred the evening is the guilt I felt. The guilt was there for numerous reasons. First I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I found out Benjamin was on a date with someone, the thousand pieces my heart broke into when we broke up would break into a thousand pieces. I would literally flip the hell out. Secondly, I felt guilty that I left my son with his godmother to go out on said date. Lastly I felt that somehow going out on this date ended all chance of Benjamin and I getting back together. Like it was symbolic or something. A part of me didn’t want to let go of that hope because it’s something I want very much, and a part of me wanted to because holding on to that hope just keeps me stuck. I guess I’ll just keep taking it day by day and see how things go.
Thank you everyone for the positive comments about my poem. I have never posted a poem on my blog because some of them are so personal and also for fear that they aren’t any good. I mean your mom and your sister aren’t exactly non-biased sources. I’ve been writing poetry since I was 7 and have always been a little uncomfortable about sharing that side of myself with others, so your comments were especially encouraging. Thank you!
I just thought of a question… I went out on a date, but I feel that Benjamin would have less to worry about because I would never do anything with someone else as long as I was still I love with him. That’s not fair to me or that other person. But I’m not sure I could say the same. I mean if he went out on a date and the girl offered it up, is he gonna turn it down because he is still in love with me? I don’t think so. I think he feels as long as we are broken up any female is fair game. Does anyone feel there is a double standard when it comes to dating after a break-up?
posted by Meka at 3:40 PM
3 Comments:
it seems that there is a double standard, but i have no idea, since i havent really dated....i don't think there's anything wrong with you going out on a date....lol, yea you're gonna have to watch your mouth around your son because when he starts school, oh boy, if the teacher hears that, he'll be in a load of trouble....and don't laugh whe he does it either..
lol @ ur son. that's funny.
and if it's meant to be, you will end up together. if not, you can't spend your life hoping and waiting for that to happen. i'd like to believe that he'll appreciate you more for being able to be your own person in the interim.
The first date after the breakup is always a benchmark. I can remember all of my first dates after significant breakups. All the sadness that went with trying to entertain and be entertained by someone who unfairly couldn't live up to the expectations of the person I really wanted to be on a date with. But it is good practice. Eventually after you get out there enough you'll become more comfortable and things will be like they once were. As far as the double standard I don't really believe it exists. I think women are just more tolerant of men's behavior than Men of womens'.
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