Philly-bound
I'm going to Philly tonight and I’m not sure if I’m looking forward to it. It’s not that we don’t have a good time; we always have a good time together. It’s just that so much has been going on lately I just feel like throwing in the towel. I’m emotionally drained. He is the one person in my life that can make me happy one minute and make me angry and sad the next. Hopefully it will be ok. It will be fun to see him and Peanut together. He’s never seen him walk before and his parents haven’t seen him since December when I went up there for my birthday. They are cool people so I’m glad they are getting this chance to see him.
He and I had a really deep conversation last night but nothing was solved. You ever have those? Where both of you are saying how you feel and what you want and at the end of the conversation you feel like it was a waste of time. I’m just tired of the situation right now. Not even with him and I but with him and Peanut. I think he needs to spend more time with him, but with him in Philly working full time and me here doing the same it’s impossible. So I suggested he move here. He hates it here though. He’s from Philly where there is always something to do. I mean it’s a wonderful city I can’t lie. I love it there. There is never anything to do here; no culture, no night-life… nothing. But his company has a branch here so he can transfer, and instead of having to go to daycare my son stays with my mother in the daytime which I love. He just doesn’t feel like he’ll be happy here. I can understand that but I feel like when you have kids you do what you have to. He thinks that’s me being selfish and although he wants to take care of Peanut and see him he’s not willing to move here to do it. I think that’s selfish. I guess I should mention that he has a daughter who lives in Philly. He doesn’t want to leave there because he thinks he will never see her. I feel like he always chooses her over Peanut. I also feel like because his daughter’s mother is a bitch, I’m expected to suffer for her shit. I don’t care if this sounds selfish or not… my only concern is Peanut. Period. She doesn’t give a damn about me and my problems, so why should I give a damn about her and hers? She’s not thinking about the fact that Benjamin has a son every time she takes him to court. How much more does she want? She gets so much money in child support it’s ridiculous. I really wish I could post up the numbers, it would make your jaw drop. And she still wants more. She still calls and asks for things. WTF? So I feel like I’m expected to make up for the shit she does. But he doesn’t see that. I’m supposed to just take it and not say anything. I feel like I’m being measured by a different set of standards. So how do I fight for my son, not be a bitch, and not be a doormat? I mean I don’t want to take everything he has. No one should have to work just to pay bills. But I also don’t want me or my son to suffer either. It’s such a mixed up, messed up situation.
Benjamin is so quixotic. I asked him what his ideal situation would be and he says “to have all my kids in one place”. That’s not feasible, so what’s the next best solution? Don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater. He just never sees it. He’s like that with everything. It drives me crazy. Hopefully it will get better with time but right now I don’t see a solid solution on the horizon.
Anyway… I didn’t forget about the book club. I am going to work on it this weekend. Hopefully it will be up and running by Monday. I didn’t get many responses, maybe once we start more people will want to participate.
He and I had a really deep conversation last night but nothing was solved. You ever have those? Where both of you are saying how you feel and what you want and at the end of the conversation you feel like it was a waste of time. I’m just tired of the situation right now. Not even with him and I but with him and Peanut. I think he needs to spend more time with him, but with him in Philly working full time and me here doing the same it’s impossible. So I suggested he move here. He hates it here though. He’s from Philly where there is always something to do. I mean it’s a wonderful city I can’t lie. I love it there. There is never anything to do here; no culture, no night-life… nothing. But his company has a branch here so he can transfer, and instead of having to go to daycare my son stays with my mother in the daytime which I love. He just doesn’t feel like he’ll be happy here. I can understand that but I feel like when you have kids you do what you have to. He thinks that’s me being selfish and although he wants to take care of Peanut and see him he’s not willing to move here to do it. I think that’s selfish. I guess I should mention that he has a daughter who lives in Philly. He doesn’t want to leave there because he thinks he will never see her. I feel like he always chooses her over Peanut. I also feel like because his daughter’s mother is a bitch, I’m expected to suffer for her shit. I don’t care if this sounds selfish or not… my only concern is Peanut. Period. She doesn’t give a damn about me and my problems, so why should I give a damn about her and hers? She’s not thinking about the fact that Benjamin has a son every time she takes him to court. How much more does she want? She gets so much money in child support it’s ridiculous. I really wish I could post up the numbers, it would make your jaw drop. And she still wants more. She still calls and asks for things. WTF? So I feel like I’m expected to make up for the shit she does. But he doesn’t see that. I’m supposed to just take it and not say anything. I feel like I’m being measured by a different set of standards. So how do I fight for my son, not be a bitch, and not be a doormat? I mean I don’t want to take everything he has. No one should have to work just to pay bills. But I also don’t want me or my son to suffer either. It’s such a mixed up, messed up situation.
Benjamin is so quixotic. I asked him what his ideal situation would be and he says “to have all my kids in one place”. That’s not feasible, so what’s the next best solution? Don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater. He just never sees it. He’s like that with everything. It drives me crazy. Hopefully it will get better with time but right now I don’t see a solid solution on the horizon.
Anyway… I didn’t forget about the book club. I am going to work on it this weekend. Hopefully it will be up and running by Monday. I didn’t get many responses, maybe once we start more people will want to participate.
posted by Meka at 3:44 PM
2 Comments:
"He and I had a really deep conversation last night but nothing was solved. You ever have those?"
yes!! i think it's a male-female communication problem.
We're >< here on this. There's a underlying tone, Meka. There's perks to moving up there, financially speaking, but by the same token, there's other ish (mainly "triangle" & false hope) that WILL jump off.
I know the feeling with those conversations....but say what's REALLY on your mind and people get ig'nant. Conversations like those remind me of the "Ground Hog's Day" movie.
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