Transitions

Warning: Long relationship post coming. This is also a different spin on a previous post.

The Art of War
Sun-Tzu The Art of War Chapter 6: Weakness & Strength

Generally the one who first occupies the battlefield awaiting the enemy is at ease; the one who comes later and rushes into battle is fatigued.

Therefore those skilled in warfare move the enemy, and are not moved by the enemy.

Getting the enemy to approach on his own accord is a matter of showing him advantage; stopping him from approaching is a matter of showing him harm.

Therefore, if the enemy is at ease, be able to exhaust him

If the enemy is well fed, be able to starve him

If the enemy is settled, be able to move him

Appear at places where he must rush to defend, and rush to places where he least expects.

I try to apply much of this philosophy to daily life. The word enemy can be easily replaced with boss, co-worker, friend, or lover. To me this chapter is about emotional and mental preparedness. I grew up in a household where tears and excuses were not tolerated. Where strength was rewarded and weakness was punished. Where being right was important and winning was everything. I think in a way it stunted my emotional growth but I also feel it prepared me for the cruelties and unfairness of life. I try to always be the one with the upper hand. “Therefore those skilled in warfare move the enemy, and are not moved by the enemy.” Words to live by, don’t you think?

I don't like to be surprised or unprepared. To be prepared for anything is a skill that takes a lot of hard work to sharpen and can never be mastered. But still I try. To me mental preparedness is important if you don't want to go thru life dumbfounded.

The only place I fail, and miserably I might add, is in relationships. When it comes to relationships, I find myself flailing and struggling to keep up with all the little things you have to maintain to make them successful. In relationships people often surprise me, and I find myself scrambling to find my footing. I hate that feeling. All the little idiosyncrasies people have, the character flaws, the emotional baggage, are very hard for me to handle because I always believe the best about someone and when I see the worse it really devastates me. My biggest problem is expecting from others what I would give. In doing so I am disappointed 90% of the time.

My son’s father and I have “ended” things so many times before that I’ve lost count. But this time it feels final or at the very least long-term. It feels like we’ve both realized that we can’t make it together right now. Maybe not ever. I only alluded to the argument we had the other day in my previous post because I wasn’t ready to write about the details. What I will say is that he said things to me that really gave me something to think about. In previous relationships I had thought out pretty much every action and reaction beforehand. I assessed how things would affect all involved, especially myself, and acted accordingly. My ex boyfriend used to call me cold & calculating. For the most part that was true. Don’t get me wrong I loved the person I was with and I would do anything I could for them, but emotionally I was very closed off. I had to know what I would gain and what I would lose before I did something. With my son’s father though, things were different. I’ve never really been in love like that. I never let down my guard like that. I never felt those butterflies or that feeling of being swept away before. I think I kind of lost my balance. I lost sight of things that I knew to be true and went against what I felt in my gut.

When we first met I really wasn’t feeling being in a relationship. I had just found out some life changing news that was taking up most of my time and focus. I had also just gotten out of a semi-relationship with someone who betrayed me. So when he came along I knew that I wasn’t ready. But as time went on he would do little things to wear me down. He was very romantic and attentive. He would constantly say he wanted to be with me and to just step out on faith. He wrote me little poems and sent me letters in the mail. He was there for me whenever I needed him. We would talk on the phone for hours. Before I knew it, I had fallen in love. Before we could even revel in the fact that we were in love, the problems started. He changed positions at his job, which didn’t allow him to spend as much time with me, and his grandmother passed away. His grandmother was the woman who raised him. She had been sick for a while and it really hit him hard when she died. All of these things coupled with the things I was going thru really threw our relationship into a tailspin. Now here we are almost 3 years later and that tailspin has finally come to an end. It seems like a lifetime ago when we were so in love with nothing on the horizon but blue skies and calm seas. Now sometimes I find it hard to recall why I fell in love with him in the first place. I wish now I had done things differently.

The saddest thing is he’s my best friend. I can come to him with anything and know he’ll still be there for me and still love me. That kind of love gives you wings. I think our past pain bought us together and tore us apart. I think when we speak now it will only be about our son. It will be pretty hard, but we’ve been running in place for a while now. We haven’t progressed in any way that I can see. The things that used to bother me about him are now magnified, and I’m sure he feels the same. His arrogance and sarcasm drive me crazy. His smart-ass mouth is so frustrating sometimes. I view it as a defense mechanism and I don’t think he realizes how it makes him look. The only thing worse than arrogance is baseless arrogance. You ever meet someone who is arrogant and you can’t figure out what they have to be arrogant about? I guess that’s what he had to do to get thru all his past rejections. I don’t know. Right now I’m settling into this new stage and it’s pretty hard but it will be ok. I felt like I was in a rut so at the very least this is something different. I’m really going to miss being able to have sex whenever I want. I’ve been sleeping with the same person for three years. It will be hard to let that go. I’m a very sexual person but I don’t sleep around so my frustration will be mounting in the coming weeks. I refer to this time as the transitional stage. Those first few weeks/months that you aren’t getting any after you’ve been having sex on the regular. It’s so fucking frustrating. After you’ve bought and used all the batteries in the free world, you get over it and then it’s smooth sailing. I guess I'll just have to wait it out.

Sorry for rambling but I did warn you:)