Renewal
Ok. This post is going to be a long one so forgive me. Anyone who reads my blog knows the issues I’ve had with my son’s father. The on again off again relationship that has driven me crazy for over two years. It’s also no secret that my heart’s desire is for us to be a family under one roof. Living in two different states has taken a toll on so many aspects of our relationship. I love this man. I adore this man. He’s one of the best people I know. I never understood how a person could form a relationship with someone they wouldn’t even be friends with. I mean if you put the relationship part on the shelf, this is still someone I would kick it with. He’s just that cool. He’s never disrespected me in any way. He’s been a rock for my son and I from day one. I’ve never been loved so completely in my life. He loves me from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet but love was never the problem. The only problem we ever had was how we talk to each other. There is some major disconnect when we talk. We both have such strong personalities and are so opinionated that our discussions kept turning into arguments. That gets real old after a while and that’s why we’ve been apart. I digress… I had pretty much decided after many conversations and much debate to just let it go. Let him go. Move on. Let us be apart and not fixate so much on each other. That was about two weeks ago. In those two weeks instead of us talking multiple times everyday, I think we had two conversations and both of them were about our son and this trip we are about to take him on. It was definitely hard and oh so weird but I thought it was best. So on Friday we were IM’ing each other trying to get our vacation plans for our son ironed out and he tells me to check my email. I did and this is what he sent me.
Broken
My mind feels like a thousand shards of broken glass across the floor, confusing, chaotic, wandering franticly as it tries to pull itself together. My mind is broken wondering how to tell her that not hearing her voice everyday makes it ache. That it throbs from those wasted hours arguing when it should have been thinking of ways to love her more. Can she believe how broken you are after the things you’ve said, how broken that brain is I have inside my head.
Broken is my heart as I watch her struggle, barely making it on the edge of trouble. Do you tell her your body is falling apart starting with your heart, a man of stone I thought knowing that fear fills my heart with the thought of being alone. How do you tell her of your broken armor when you were supposed to be her Knight, especially now that it seems your afraid to fight for her.
Broken is my heart that skips a beat as it feels me push you away because I’m so afraid you’ll stay. Broken are the lines of tears that I have cried to the thought of losing you to God’s side. Broken is my smile because you are gone no longer thinking of me and singing my song. The answers to your questions are in my broken face, swollen from tears and expressions of fear.
How do I tell her she is for me the title of her favorite song, knowing all this time I have been wrong, and no matter what my love for her is still strong. To tell her I’m so consumed with fear whenever she’s not near. That my fear of losing her in so many different ways devastates me for days. That our battles are not worth the cost, and that my promise to love her is not broken just lost.
Broken is my body now that it cannot feel yours, the touch of your lips, the feel of your hands and the shudder in your hips. How can she believe a broken man is sorry for all he’s done after filling her world with pain and tears and not fun, that he’s truly full of emotion even if she never sees it, that tears fall down my broken face repeatedly, that jealousy fills my broken heart frequently, and fear fills my heart endlessly.
Broken is my conscience as I see her leave to stubborn to yell to her and plead,” Don’t leave me broken and falling to pieces here alone without your love because I am too arrogant to fully understand your love.” I’m broken without you I have to admit, and I’ve pushed you so far away I know why you’ve quit. How could any complete man ever doubt the love you have for him after all you’ve shown, knowing for a broken one it’s your love that will bind his bones.
Broken is my world because you are not in my life; broken is my future because you may never become my wife. Broken is this man because I’ve waited this long to sing you this song. Broken I’ll always be because I’ve missed this boat, broken is me in a sea of emptiness barely remaining afloat.
Broken
Needless to say I was floored. First of all he hasn’t poured his feelings out to me in while so it was very surprising. And he doesn’t really do the poetry thing (I found out later it took him quite a few hours to write that). I had no idea that all this time he felt this way. Benjamin tends to internalize things, so it’s hard to read him sometimes. Knowing him like I do, it could not have been easy for him to tell me these things. All of this conversation happened while I was at work so when I got home he called me and we talked some more. Around 9pm he told me he was going to take a shower and he would text me when he got out. So I waited for a while but I was tired so I feel asleep. Around 12am I got a text asking me what I was doing and I was so sleepy I don’t even think I replied. So it’s around 3am and I wake up to the feel of someone sitting on my bed. Of course my heart dropped cause I thought someone had broken in to steal my cookies:). It was Benjamin (he has a key). He came down from Philly to surprise me. He said he wanted to look in my eyes when he told me that he loves me, that he never stopped, and that I am the love of his life. He was afraid he waited to long to tell me all of that but he wanted to anyway. He stayed the whole weekend. He called out of work Saturday, which says something in itself, because he never calls out. I’ve seen him sick in pain and he still goes to work. So this weekend we’ve just been talking and cuddling and trying to work thru things and find out where we went wrong. I think the main thing is that we rushed into our relationship so fast that we really didn't know each other. We didn't become friends first. I think if we develop and honor our friendship more then the relationship part will be a piece of cake. As long as we communicate with each other and keep it fresh and sexy we’ll be ok. So I’m pretty happy with this sudden turn of events. I guess that little bit of time apart did us some good.
Happy Monday!
Broken
My mind feels like a thousand shards of broken glass across the floor, confusing, chaotic, wandering franticly as it tries to pull itself together. My mind is broken wondering how to tell her that not hearing her voice everyday makes it ache. That it throbs from those wasted hours arguing when it should have been thinking of ways to love her more. Can she believe how broken you are after the things you’ve said, how broken that brain is I have inside my head.
Broken is my heart as I watch her struggle, barely making it on the edge of trouble. Do you tell her your body is falling apart starting with your heart, a man of stone I thought knowing that fear fills my heart with the thought of being alone. How do you tell her of your broken armor when you were supposed to be her Knight, especially now that it seems your afraid to fight for her.
Broken is my heart that skips a beat as it feels me push you away because I’m so afraid you’ll stay. Broken are the lines of tears that I have cried to the thought of losing you to God’s side. Broken is my smile because you are gone no longer thinking of me and singing my song. The answers to your questions are in my broken face, swollen from tears and expressions of fear.
How do I tell her she is for me the title of her favorite song, knowing all this time I have been wrong, and no matter what my love for her is still strong. To tell her I’m so consumed with fear whenever she’s not near. That my fear of losing her in so many different ways devastates me for days. That our battles are not worth the cost, and that my promise to love her is not broken just lost.
Broken is my body now that it cannot feel yours, the touch of your lips, the feel of your hands and the shudder in your hips. How can she believe a broken man is sorry for all he’s done after filling her world with pain and tears and not fun, that he’s truly full of emotion even if she never sees it, that tears fall down my broken face repeatedly, that jealousy fills my broken heart frequently, and fear fills my heart endlessly.
Broken is my conscience as I see her leave to stubborn to yell to her and plead,” Don’t leave me broken and falling to pieces here alone without your love because I am too arrogant to fully understand your love.” I’m broken without you I have to admit, and I’ve pushed you so far away I know why you’ve quit. How could any complete man ever doubt the love you have for him after all you’ve shown, knowing for a broken one it’s your love that will bind his bones.
Broken is my world because you are not in my life; broken is my future because you may never become my wife. Broken is this man because I’ve waited this long to sing you this song. Broken I’ll always be because I’ve missed this boat, broken is me in a sea of emptiness barely remaining afloat.
Broken
Needless to say I was floored. First of all he hasn’t poured his feelings out to me in while so it was very surprising. And he doesn’t really do the poetry thing (I found out later it took him quite a few hours to write that). I had no idea that all this time he felt this way. Benjamin tends to internalize things, so it’s hard to read him sometimes. Knowing him like I do, it could not have been easy for him to tell me these things. All of this conversation happened while I was at work so when I got home he called me and we talked some more. Around 9pm he told me he was going to take a shower and he would text me when he got out. So I waited for a while but I was tired so I feel asleep. Around 12am I got a text asking me what I was doing and I was so sleepy I don’t even think I replied. So it’s around 3am and I wake up to the feel of someone sitting on my bed. Of course my heart dropped cause I thought someone had broken in to steal my cookies:). It was Benjamin (he has a key). He came down from Philly to surprise me. He said he wanted to look in my eyes when he told me that he loves me, that he never stopped, and that I am the love of his life. He was afraid he waited to long to tell me all of that but he wanted to anyway. He stayed the whole weekend. He called out of work Saturday, which says something in itself, because he never calls out. I’ve seen him sick in pain and he still goes to work. So this weekend we’ve just been talking and cuddling and trying to work thru things and find out where we went wrong. I think the main thing is that we rushed into our relationship so fast that we really didn't know each other. We didn't become friends first. I think if we develop and honor our friendship more then the relationship part will be a piece of cake. As long as we communicate with each other and keep it fresh and sexy we’ll be ok. So I’m pretty happy with this sudden turn of events. I guess that little bit of time apart did us some good.
Happy Monday!
posted by Meka at 3:27 PM
10 Comments:
I think that you are 100% right! Having a friendship first is a great way to start a relationship! I really hope this works out for you and B! Take it slow and COMMUNICATE! ((HUGS))
That is so great!! I totally agree with you on the friends first thing..that's the way I want my next relationship to begin. I'm kinda on my way towards that now. We've been friends for a long time, but everyday that I've known him since we have start semi-dating lol, it's like a cool, new surprise ...totally different dynamic. Schatzi was right on about it taking it slow and communicating. Best of luck with everything!
He sounds like an awesome person and the bond you two seem to share is hard to come by.
Just a little advice from one woman to another on the communication piece: Let him be the man and keep his pride and his dignity. We women can verbally castrate our men and no one wins in the process.
That word for word stuff is tired and it destroys relationships, it doesn't build them. Good luck.
Guys express themselves different than women. Most of us aren't big on expressing our feelings. Most of us aren't touchy-feely chatters, unless weve been raised without our fathers. The touchy feely ones are usually ones who've been raised and primarily mentored by their mothers. Men are DOers, we SHOW how we feel, we don't like to talk about it. I think so often that women want their men to act like women, and when we don't, they get frustrated. My advise: chat with your girlfriends, and just plain resist the urge to argue with him. We don't like women to argue with us. Really, its just that simple: don't argue. Man, this is so fixable, and I hope for your son, you guys can fix this. He needs his dad. I've been listening to this book on tape. Its called King Me: What Every Son Wants and Needs from His Father . Its really good, you might check it out.
wow...can I just thank you for that much needed dose of a man's perspective Don Tate? Not arguing will be so hard to implement though lol...
My artistic brother pretty much summed my thoughts up. In fact, this part of his comments in particular Most of us aren't touchy-feely chatters, unless weve been raised without our fathers. The touchy feely ones are usually ones who've been raised and primarily mentored by their mothers. is very true.
I wasn't raised by my father, but by my mom. And I had 3 sisters and a grandmother up under the same roof. See the gist of where this is going? I'm expressive and very touchy feely. It's what I do and it's what I am. And not all guys are cut from that cloth. That turned out very nice for you miss Meka. Enjoy the ride in the meantime. And welcome to the future...
awwwwwwwwwww! *sniff* girl, that is wonderful! especially to see a man open up like that, even if he couldnt actually say it (cuz even me being a female have a hard time expressing my self and i write stuff out too), but to express hisself like that, awwwww, that is just a beautiful thing and makes me want to cry! i hope God's blessings towards the both of you! :-)
I really hope things work...I'll keep you posted
That was a BEAUTIFUL poem/letter !!! I don't even KNOW him, and just from your description, can tell that it took alot for him to do that. This man CLEARLY loves you to DEATH!!! Good luck and God bless to you and your family!
Awww this is so darn beautiful!! I can’t take it.
The one thing I have learned in dating…is that words are powerful. They can be used to seduce and they can be a weapon, I don’t care what people say but words can hurt. There is nothing wrong with being passionate about the way you feel regarding certain things, we all are to some extent. The thing that I have taught myself over time is never think before I speak, to never use harsh words to someone I love because after the fight those words cant be taken back and the linger in the air and pollute your relationship and the kind loving words you will eventual utter. I think that if people just thought before they spoke and not speak out in anger…our relationships would be so much better.
But girlllll I’s happy for you! I hope all things work out for you guys.
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