Unexpectedness

You ever meet someone and you like them but you don’t like them? Then one day you realize they’ve sort of found their way into your subconscious? You find yourself thinking about them more and more, and you can’t figure out how or when it happened. That’s what I’m going thru right now. At first it seemed weird to me that I would be feeling like this because it’s so soon after things ended with my son’s father. I was talking to my sister about it last night and she made me realize that it isn’t soon. We haven’t been together as a couple since right after my son was born and before that there was a huge amount of time when we weren’t a couple either. In three years we’ve spent more time apart then together. The only thing that remained ‘couple-like ‘ between us was the sex. We never stopped having sex. And even that hasn’t been a regular thing because we live in different states. I guess I had sort of a pseudo-relationship with him. It’s been living a half-life for a very long time. But I digress… last night Max called me and we talked on the phone for 10 hours. I have not slept at all. Not one lick. The conversation was effortless and easy. I guess it always is in the beginning. He asked me about my life. Where I had been and where I wanted to go. We talked about the things I wanted for my son and what kind of parent I want to be. He laughed at me when I said certain things but laughed in a good way. Not mocking or patronizing. I never realized what a good conversationalist he is. I never realized how similar our views are. We never had the time in the past. He was always here one minute and then gone the next.

So this morning when we finally got off the phone, I started my getting ready for work routine. I get up first and take my shower and do all my hygiene rituals and pack my baby’s bag for the day then I get him up and dressed. Well this morning while I was packing his bag I realized I had been singing. Now I am not a morning person. I hate to get up, so singing is the last thing I’m doing. Bitching and complaining about going to work? Definitely. Never singing. But this morning I was. I felt a little funny in the stomach too. All nervous and jittery. It took me a second to realize what it was. Butterflies. I hadn’t had them in so long it had become an unrecognizable feeling. When you’ve been dealing with the same person and same stagnant issues for a while those feelings are refreshing. Even though I would never get involved with him romantically it’s nice to have the option.

Yesterday I was walking out of the store and a car full of young Black males stopped and the driver shouted out the window “ hey ho come here” his friend said “ I see you bitch with that fat ass and those big ass titties” “When you gonna let me get in that pussy?” When I didn’t reply he drove off but not before he spit out of the car window and said “fuck you then bitch you aint all that anyway.” This is disturbing on so many levels. First of all, I had my son with me. Had he been older he would have understood every word. Secondly there were people all around. I was so embarrassed not only for myself but for them also. I mean damn. How could anyone think that is acceptable behavior? Why was it ok in their minds to completely disrespect me and themselves? Why was it ok for them to expose my son to that verbal assault? I’m still pissed about it. I mean men have approached me before, but never like that. I didn’t even realize I was on the verge of tears until I got in my car and sat down. I don’t know if it was because my son was with me that it hit me so hard but the more I thought about it the madder I got. Are there women out there who would have ran over to the car to talk to them? Is this why they feel it's ok to talk to women like that? If so where are these women, cause we need to talk. All I know is if I EVER EVER EVER hear anything remotely like that come out of my son's mouth it's gonna be some jump off. That's just trifiln. UGH!!!!!!!