Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Guess who's back?

I've been gone for a little bit, but I'm back now. Since I've been gone a lot of things have happened but I'll try to be brief.

First my baby has been sick. He was diagnosed with severe allergies and asthma. On top of that he had an ear infection. He woke up one night crying and out of breath so I had to take him to the hospital. I have never been so scared in my life. He was having an asthma attack but they got in under control. I've had asthma since I was about 3 so I know what a tough road he might be facing. Hopefully this won't hinder him from being active in the future. Now he's on three different medicines and he has to have steroid breathing treatments every night. When my son is sick the world stops. He's responding well to the medicines so that's a blessing. Pray for us.

Easter was fun. It's my favorite holiday and I have so many fond memories of egg hunts and candy filled baskets. On holidays I let Peanut have whatever he wants. I never give him candy and most of foods or snacks he gets are sugar-free, so on the holidays I give him a break. It was so funny because my sister gave him a basket and it had candy in it that was wrapped up, he kept trying to eat the candy, paper and all. He was so handsome in his suit. I'll post the pictures when I get a chance. Benjamin came down and spent some time over my mom's house which is a big thing cause' he doesn't really care for my family and vice versa. It went well so I'm happy about that. I was little nervous.

I have been doing a lot of writing lately as you can tell from the last post. Thank you to everyone who gave me positive comments on it. You are making it easier for me to put my stuff out there. It means a lot to me.

That's all for now. I'll probably post again later about some other things that have been going on both personally and professionally. Until then... have a good one.

I'm also thinking about renaming my blog. The day I set this up I was watching one of my favorite episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I couldn't think of another title so I just went with it. I've been thinking lately that it doesn't really fit and of course it's not very original. Let me know what you think.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

invisible

i used to think love
i used to drink love
i used to want love
i used my cunt love
i did what I had to do to make you stay

i wanted… no i needed you to stay. i thought if you told a joke and i laughed the loudest, if i turned the other cheek when you slapped me then you would stay. if i spread my legs wider and made my pussy wetter, the bitch who keeps calling our house at 3 in the morning would disappear and maybe just maybe you’d stay. i won't show my intelligence. i’ll make you look smarter and i’ll treat you like a king. then you’ll have to stay won’t you? aretha said “give him something he can feel” i’ll give till’ there's nothing left. when you come to my house at 4 in the morning, i won't ask you where you've been for the last few days. i'll kill any urge to ask you if you know what happened to the money that was in my purse. my girls don’t believe you care but you do. they're just jealous of what we have. i know you love me cause' love hurts. you love me like a motherfucker.

i used to think love
i used to drink love
i used to want love
i used my cunt love
i did what I had to do to make you stay


who is this person? who is this bitch with the loud, fake laugh? i turned one cheek and you slapped the other. i made you a king and you ruled over my life, my self-worth, my senses, my being. i spread my legs until my joints ached. and you still didn’t stay. my pussy was so wet it stained the sheets with my shame. and you still didn’t stay. i gave you something you could feel. now i cant feel a thing.

i'm numb.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Big Brother

In October of 2003 Florida Governor Jeb Bush, acting on an unprecedented statute passed by state legislature called “Terri’s Law”, ordered a feeding tube reinserted into Terri Schiavo. What makes this move so important is a court had previously ordered the feeding tube to be removed six days earlier. Later in a press conference, President Bush said he supported the actions of his brother in the Schiavo case. Gives a whole new meaning to the term “big brother is watching” doesn’t it?

The bill basically says that the governor is not bound by the decisions of the courts. Law professor Steven Gay of Florida State University noted, “The statue tells the governor that he does not have to enforce judicial decisions. That’s sort of George Wallace territory,” referring to the Alabama governor who defied court orders mandating the desegregation of schools.

The legislation passed in the Florida House and Senate and the order issued by Bush are without legal foundation and in conflict with fundamental democratic and constitutional principles. Because Bush is Roman Catholic, and his faith “errs on the side of life”, he says he was “driven” to intervene. What ever happened to the separation of Church and state? Isn’t that one of our most precious Constitutional rights? Doesn’t the First Amendment expressly forbid it?

The bill passed by the legislature applied only to this one case, although it doesn’t mention Schiavo’s name, and allowed Bush to issue a “stay” of a court decision to remove feeding tubes. Such a case-specific bill is considered to be a violation of due process, since laws are supposed to be general. It is not in the power of the legislature to decide cases of fact or determine the fate of particular persons. Otherwise, the foundation of the legal system collapses, since any law can be considered on a case-by-case basis. This is another example of whatever Bush wants, in this case Jeb, Bush gets. It doesn’t matter how many rights or laws are trampled.

The issue at hand is whether her husband Michael Schiavo has the right to have her feeding tub removed. The law says he does. According to the legally established hierarchy of guardianship, if the patient cannot make decisions on their own, and has no living will, then guardianship is transferred to the husband/wife. If the patient has no husband/wife, guardianship is transferred to her children, and if she has no children, then to her parents. Several court-appointed doctors have stated that her condition is irreversible and that her brain damage was so severe that there was no hope she would ever have any cognitive abilities. After her parents released a video, supposedly showing her interacting with them, doctors stated those reactions were just reflexes common in patients who are in persistent vegetative state. In Terri Schiavo’s case the law defers to her husband who has stated that Terri’s wish was not to be on life support or use any drastic measures to save her life. Although she is not terminally ill, she is not able to feed herself, so in her case the insertion of a feeding tube can be classified as drastic measures.

To me this case is no longer about that. Unfortunately it’s bigger than Terri now. Sadly she has become the proverbial poster-woman for right-wing forces, mainly Christian fundamentalists, to exert influence over the Republican Party. They are adding the Schiavo case to a broader campaign to end abortion rights and push for prayer in the public schools. They have long campaigned against the “right to die” on the basis that only God can make decisions on life and death, ironically a belief that does not prevent them from supporting the death penalty.

I am a Christian. No doubt about it. I believe that killing, in most instances, is wrong. I have said to my family a million times; if something happens to me, don’t pull my plug. Don’t touch it. That’s my choice. Dying was Terri Schiavos. How do we know? We can never really know 100% if she had any wishes on the matter. That’s one of the reasons we have laws in the first place. Apparently the Florida Supreme Court agrees, they ruled in September of 2004 that Governor Bush overstepped his authority and declared “Terri’s Law” unconstitutional. Fancy that… a Bush overstepping authority (sorry for the sarcasm).

Fast forward to last week, after leaving his vacation in Texas, President George Bush signed an emergency bill into law that will allow a federal court to review Terri’s case an determine whether or not her feeding tubes should be reconnected. This law called “The Palm Sunday Compromise” (I’ll let that one slide) put the case in the hands of U.S. District Judge James Whittemore. Even some conservatives were unnerved by this move. "To simply say that the 'culture of life,' or whatever you call it means that we don't have to pay attention to the principles of federalism or separation of powers is certainly not a conservative viewpoint," said former Rep. Bob Barr, R-Ga.

"It contradicts a lot of what those behind it say they believe: the sanctity of the family, the sacred bond between husband and wife, the ability of all of us to make private decisions without the hand of government intervening, deference to states and localities as opposed to the centralized government," said Lichtman.

In the last day or so U.S District Judge James Whittemore decided in favor of Terri’s husband Michael, and declined to have the feeding tube reinserted. Her parents appealed to the 11th Circuit Court of Appeals in Atlanta, and they too denied their request. Their only recourse now is to appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court. The Supreme Court has declined to hear the case three times so far.

While I agree with the Court's analysis today, and therefore join in its opinion, I would have preferred that we announce, clearly and promptly, that the federal courts have no business in this field; that American law has always accorded the State the power to prevent, by force if necessary, suicide -- including suicide by refusing to take appropriate measures necessary to preserve one's life; that the point at which life becomes "worthless," and the point at which the means necessary to preserve it become "extraordinary" or "inappropriate," are neither set forth in the Constitution nor known to the nine Justices of this Court any better than they are known to nine people picked at random from the [state capital city] telephone directory; and hence, that even when it is demonstrated by clear and convincing evidence that a patient no longer wishes certain measures to be taken to preserve his or her life, it is up to the citizens [of the state] to decide, through their elected representatives, whether that wish will be honored. It is quite impossible (because the Constitution says nothing about the matter) that those citizens will decide upon a line less lawful than the one we would choose; and it is unlikely (because we know no more about "life and death" than they do) that they will decide upon a line less reasonable.... - Justice Anton Scalia in his concurring opinion

The government is saying our rights are protected because the law passed only has to do with the Schiavo case. My question is what happens when another case comes along that the president feels “strongly about”. How many cases like Terri Schiavos will happen before the government presides over every case? President Bush seems very comfortable, maybe a little to comfortable, abusing his power to forward his own political and religious beliefs regardless of the law or common sense for that matter. He is so comfortable that he doesn’t mind contradicting himself. In 1999, then-Gov. Bush signed the Advance Directives Act, which lets a patient's surrogate make life-ending decisions on his or her behalf. The measure also allows Texas hospitals to disconnect patients from life-sustaining systems if a physician, in consultation with a hospital bioethics committee, concludes that the patient's condition is hopeless. Hypocrisy at it’s finest. I guess it’s like George Orwell said “All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome.”

People are saying that removing her feeding tube would take away her right to die with dignity. Her face is splashed all over the TV, eyes vacant, hands clenched into fists, being used as a political pawn. Where is the dignity in that? To top it off she is now receiving free care at the hospice she is in. Hundreds of thousands of people in the country without insurance and she gets free care.

I understand her parents’ plight to keep her alive. They love her. I can’t say I wouldn’t do the same for my child. I don’t know. What I do know is if the government continues to get involved in our personal lives and affairs we will be facing some very dark times.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

R.I.P. JP

Sophomore year: My best friend Neesha and I go to the Senior dorms to hang out and play spades with a couple of her friends that I had yet to meet. We get there and the first thing I see is this big teddy bear of a guy holding court. He was sitting on a chair and all these people around them were just sitting there listening to him talk. That was my introduction to JP. From that day on we stayed over there. There were many more nights like that, it seemed like everyone came to him for advice or his take on things. Every weekend was spent playing cards & dominos, watching TV, or just joking around and drinking. JP had the kind of personality people would gravitate to. You know the type right? Smart and funny as hell. He could have your sides hurting from laughing so hard. I had what I thought was a secret crush on him for the longest time. I found out later it wasn't as secret as I thought but that's another post all together. He was such a sweetheart. He would help you out in any way he could. He could sing his ass off too. He sounded like Wanya from Boyz II Men. He taught me how to play chess and how to mix drinks. He made me up my spades game cause’ I was used to playing with scrubs. He was just a good guy all around.

He was 33 years old and now he’s gone. I’ll always remember you J. Rest in peace.

Monday, March 14, 2005

Philly fun

I haven't really felt like blogging in a while. So much has happened in the past couple of weeks, it's been such a drain on me emotionally and physically. I didn’t end up going to Philly the weekend before last, so I went this past weekend. I actually had a good time. We talked and I think we are on the path to getting some things resolved. That's really all I can ask for right now. Just opening the lines of communication and getting some other options on the table made things a lot better. He worked most of the weekend so Peanut and I hung out with his mom and dad. They are really cool people. They’re the parents you wish you had. She’s very supportive of us. They spoil Peanut and love having him there. His mom and I hung out and went shopping. She would be someone I would hang out with even without the connection to Benjamin. She's like a cool older sister. I spent too much money on my son. I love the Children’s Place but I need to stay out. I went in there looking for shoes for Peanut and ended up buying him 6 outfits. Finding cute boy stuff is hard. Most places have amazing clothes for girls and the boy stuff is ugly, but they have a good selection. I don't know why I went to Philly and shopped at a place that we have right here in Dover. The sales tax there is ridiculous. Not having to pay tax here spoils you. You go other places and forget all about it.

My favorite holiday is approaching. I have loved Easter for as long as I can remember. We always do it big on the holidays. House full of people, tables full of food; I have so many wonderful Easter memories. Every year I got a new dress, I got to go to the hair salon and get my hair pressed and curled. I always got the big store-bought baskets with the toys and candy in it. We had an Easter egg hunt and we would stay up all the night before dying eggs. My mom would by the plastic eggs and put money and jelly beans in them and hide them with the real eggs. We still do all of that to this day. This will be Peanuts first Easter egg hunt. I’m gonna help him out and I’m not taking it easy on the other kids. We’re gonna win. It’s actually not supposed to be about winning, just the fun of it, but we’re gonna win anyway. Last year for Easter I dressed Peanut up in a bunny outfit. This year he gets a suit. It’s a three-piece white suit with a light blue vest and tie. He’s gonna be sharp as a tack. I can’t wait.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

?????????

I don't really have much to say. I guess I'll open up the floor for questions again. Is everyone tired of that? I apologize if you are.

So much has been going on lately I can't really put all into words yet.
Thanks for all the nice comments on my baby boy's picture.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Beautiful

Friday, March 04, 2005

Philly-bound

I'm going to Philly tonight and I’m not sure if I’m looking forward to it. It’s not that we don’t have a good time; we always have a good time together. It’s just that so much has been going on lately I just feel like throwing in the towel. I’m emotionally drained. He is the one person in my life that can make me happy one minute and make me angry and sad the next. Hopefully it will be ok. It will be fun to see him and Peanut together. He’s never seen him walk before and his parents haven’t seen him since December when I went up there for my birthday. They are cool people so I’m glad they are getting this chance to see him.

He and I had a really deep conversation last night but nothing was solved. You ever have those? Where both of you are saying how you feel and what you want and at the end of the conversation you feel like it was a waste of time. I’m just tired of the situation right now. Not even with him and I but with him and Peanut. I think he needs to spend more time with him, but with him in Philly working full time and me here doing the same it’s impossible. So I suggested he move here. He hates it here though. He’s from Philly where there is always something to do. I mean it’s a wonderful city I can’t lie. I love it there. There is never anything to do here; no culture, no night-life… nothing. But his company has a branch here so he can transfer, and instead of having to go to daycare my son stays with my mother in the daytime which I love. He just doesn’t feel like he’ll be happy here. I can understand that but I feel like when you have kids you do what you have to. He thinks that’s me being selfish and although he wants to take care of Peanut and see him he’s not willing to move here to do it. I think that’s selfish. I guess I should mention that he has a daughter who lives in Philly. He doesn’t want to leave there because he thinks he will never see her. I feel like he always chooses her over Peanut. I also feel like because his daughter’s mother is a bitch, I’m expected to suffer for her shit. I don’t care if this sounds selfish or not… my only concern is Peanut. Period. She doesn’t give a damn about me and my problems, so why should I give a damn about her and hers? She’s not thinking about the fact that Benjamin has a son every time she takes him to court. How much more does she want? She gets so much money in child support it’s ridiculous. I really wish I could post up the numbers, it would make your jaw drop. And she still wants more. She still calls and asks for things. WTF? So I feel like I’m expected to make up for the shit she does. But he doesn’t see that. I’m supposed to just take it and not say anything. I feel like I’m being measured by a different set of standards. So how do I fight for my son, not be a bitch, and not be a doormat? I mean I don’t want to take everything he has. No one should have to work just to pay bills. But I also don’t want me or my son to suffer either. It’s such a mixed up, messed up situation.

Benjamin is so quixotic. I asked him what his ideal situation would be and he says “to have all my kids in one place”. That’s not feasible, so what’s the next best solution? Don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater. He just never sees it. He’s like that with everything. It drives me crazy. Hopefully it will get better with time but right now I don’t see a solid solution on the horizon.

Anyway… I didn’t forget about the book club. I am going to work on it this weekend. Hopefully it will be up and running by Monday. I didn’t get many responses, maybe once we start more people will want to participate.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

my son the potty mouth

I realized yesterday that my son is leading a more exciting life than I am. I mean he goes out everyday and plays, meets new people, learns a ton of new things, and is hugged and kissed and loved all day everyday. Last night I ate leftovers and watched Golden Girls. How crazy is that?

Anyway... he is really walking well now. He walks with his shoulders hunched up, on his tippy toes, then he’ll fall down so fast it’s like somebody shot him. It's so funny and cute. All this walking leaves me wondering what happened to my baby? It breaks my heart to know that I will never have that time again. I used to lay on the couch and fall asleep with him on my chest. Smelling that sweet baby smell and listening to him breathing. Or I would walk around with him on my shoulder while I did things around the house. I miss that. But it's also exciting and fun to teach him new things. Right now we are working on numbers. If you say the number one to him, he will put up one finger. I'm trying to teach him how to say it but we haven't gotten that far yet. However he does say daddy, mama, up, stop (usually while he’s doing something he’s not supposed to), no, Jesus, and shit. If you are doing a double take and re-reading that last statement... no need. My son says shit. The first time I heard him say it I didn't really believe it. I thought maybe he was saying stop. Then he said it again and it came out so clear and loud I was floored. You might be wondering who he heard that particular word from. Guilty! I have the foulest mouth on the planet. I mean it’s legendary. That is one thing I really try to work on but I don't seem to be making any progress. I've had a filthy mouth ever since I was a kid. I think I got it from my father who would cuss you out in a minute. I guess I have to try a little harder not to cuss around my son. I don't want him in church screaming the word shit during the sermon.

Nothing has changed on the relationship front. I’m going up there this weekend so it will be interesting to see how we interact with each other. I really haven’t thought about it too much over the past few days because I’ve been so busy. I actually went on a date. If you really knew me you would understand how big that is, but since you don’t, suffice it to say it’s very big. I was thinking about not going, since I am still in love with Benjamin. I was going crazy thinking about whether I was ready to date someone else, whether I should tell the guy that I was in love with someone else so he wouldn’t think this could go anywhere. Then my friend, God love her, reminded me that it was just a date. But see that’s the crazy thing about it… I’ve never dated. I’ve either been alone or been in a relationship. There was never that dating phase. It just seemed like we were “talking” and then we were together. So this is all fairly new to me. So once I realized that it was just a date and there wouldn’t be any proposals J, I went. I was very upfront about what I was thinking and feeling, not in that scary way of someone who tells you too much, but just in an informative way. He seemed appreciative of my effort to keep him informed and I have to admit it went better than I thought. The conversation was amazing as was the food and the restaurant. I would venture to say he enjoyed himself as well. Except maybe when I spilled water on him. I’m a very clumsy person and when I’m nervous that clumsiness is personified to the nth power. So a little spillage was a given. I guess I should have told him thatJ. The only thing that marred the evening is the guilt I felt. The guilt was there for numerous reasons. First I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I found out Benjamin was on a date with someone, the thousand pieces my heart broke into when we broke up would break into a thousand pieces. I would literally flip the hell out. Secondly, I felt guilty that I left my son with his godmother to go out on said date. Lastly I felt that somehow going out on this date ended all chance of Benjamin and I getting back together. Like it was symbolic or something. A part of me didn’t want to let go of that hope because it’s something I want very much, and a part of me wanted to because holding on to that hope just keeps me stuck. I guess I’ll just keep taking it day by day and see how things go.

Thank you everyone for the positive comments about my poem. I have never posted a poem on my blog because some of them are so personal and also for fear that they aren’t any good. I mean your mom and your sister aren’t exactly non-biased sources. I’ve been writing poetry since I was 7 and have always been a little uncomfortable about sharing that side of myself with others, so your comments were especially encouraging. Thank you!


I just thought of a question… I went out on a date, but I feel that Benjamin would have less to worry about because I would never do anything with someone else as long as I was still I love with him. That’s not fair to me or that other person. But I’m not sure I could say the same. I mean if he went out on a date and the girl offered it up, is he gonna turn it down because he is still in love with me? I don’t think so. I think he feels as long as we are broken up any female is fair game. Does anyone feel there is a double standard when it comes to dating after a break-up?