that's all folks.......

"Perfect love is rare indeed - for to be a lover will require that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar and the fortitude of the certain."

-----Leo Buscaqlia

It's over. How many people saw that coming? I sure as hell didn't. I thought for sure even with all the drama, that this was it, he was the one. Wrong again. Love is not for me anymore. It doesn't work for me. I don't know how to make it work. I am who I am. Good, bad, and everything in between. I will never leave myself raw and exposed for anyone ever again. I hate him for making me love him (which I know is a bit over-dramatic and entirely off-base). When we first met, I didn't want a relationship. I said then I was done with the love thing. He convinced me otherwise. He said "have faith", and here I am. I hate that I let anyone get that close. I never, ever want to see him again. Of course that's impossible because I was irresponsible, got pregnant and had his baby. I was stupid enough to think that it would all work out. That's what I get for going against my gut. He say's he doesn't want to be just parents. Meaning he doesn't want all of our conversations to be just about the baby, how he's doing, what he needs, so forth and so on. He said he would start feeling resentment cause he would want to hang out and be cool. Yeah right, like that's going to happen. We are going to fall into the same pattern we always fall into. Doing all the things we did when we were a couple but not having the title. Nope, not gonna happen. I'm not gonna be used like that. Does anyone think that a relationship not based on love has a chance of working? I was thinking about that. Look at the divorce rate in this country. All those relationships based on love aren't working out. Maybe two people who really care about each other, want the same things out of life, but are not "in love" could really make it work. To me that's more practical and reliable than love. Love makes you crazy and irrational.

I'm so emotionally drained it's unbelievable. Between being a full-time parent, working, dealing with my sons health issues, dealing with my son's father...I'm tired. I'm tired of putting everyone's needs before my own. Why do I do that? I was raised by my step-mother and she did that. Once I got old enough to see it, it used to piss me off that she was like that. I always said that I wouldn't be like her. And here I am. Why are women always taught to suffer in silence? Why are we taught that our needs don't matter? That our husbands, our children always come first? Why are our dreams not as important, our goals not as reachable, our desires not to be fulfilled? Being the martyr isn't what it's cracked up to be. It's a role I didn't realize I auditioned for but a part I play nevertheless. I am so tired of being the one who always has to bend and break to other people's will. I'm tired of always being expected to back down. So I'm not. Sometimes I think one of the conditions of his love is that I have to do whatever makes him happy and put what makes me happy on a shelf. If that's the case than I don't want it. Especially when my love for him is unconditional.

He's Gone.

Goodbye.

He's Out Of My Life
He's Out Of My Life
And I Don't Know Whether To Laugh Or Cry
I Don't Know Whether To Live Or Die
And It Cuts Like A Knife
He's Out Of My Life

It's Out Of My Hands
It's Out Of My Hands
To Think For Two Years He Was Here
And I Took Him For Granted I Was So Cavalier
Now The Way That It Stands
He's Out Of My Hands


So I've Learned That Love's Not Possession
And I've Learned That Love Won't Wait
Now I've Learned That Love Needs Expression
But I Learned Too Late


He's Out Of My Life
He's Out Of My Life
Damned Indecision And Cursed Pride
Kept My Love For Him Locked Deep Inside
And It Cuts Like A Knife
He's Out Of My Life

When is Enough, Enough?

I'm starting to realize that love is not enough. It doesn't set you free, it doesn't conquer all and it doesn't hurt. How is anyone to understand what love is supposed to be with so many bullshit myths circulating around? I know I love my son's father with every fiber of my being. I know there aren't to many things that I wouldn't do for him. I know that he loves me just as much as I love him. What I don't know is how to make a relationship with him work. I don't know how to improve our communication. I don't know how to let him love me and relax and not be afraid to sometimes give up control. Women always say that there aren't any good men around. That's not true. I found one. And he's amazing. But we just can't get our shit together. But it's not just me either. He's arrogant, and a smartass, and he thinks he's always right. Our plans were for one of us to relocate so we could have our little family under one roof. I guess that's not going to happen now. I really don't know what is going to happen but what I would like to know is when is enough, enough? When have you done all you can do? When is it time to throw in the towel? If the love is there and is still so strong, do you keep fighting? We aren't even together and I still get jealous when he's on the phone with other females, I still hate the fact that my son isn't being raised in a two parent home, I hate the thought of him dating someone else. I know for a fact I couldn't be his friend. Which is a shame because of our baby, and I know an adverse relationship between us would effect him. Right now I feel like my back is against the wall, and when I feel like that I make irrational decisions. Sometimes I wish I never met him, I never wanted to be a single mother and as much as I love my baby, I didn't sign on for this. We always said we would raise our family together. Now I'm just another statistic. Right now we have an informal financial agreement. Do I take him to court, just to get something on paper for my security? He takes care of our child now but what happens if he meets someone else and has another child? This situation is getting more complicated by the minute. And it's probably selfish that I won't try to make a friendship work for our sons sake, but I know I can't do it. I've tried. I mean I will always be civil to him, and I will always want what's best for him, but I don't think it would be healthy for me to have a friendship with him. I mean we were never friends to begin with. We fell in love quick and hard. We didn't cultivate a friendship before we started a relationship, so how do we do it now. I don't know what to do. What I do know is that something has to give, because I can't go on like this. Maybe I answered my original question. Maybe I'm trying to make my head do what my heart wants. Maybe I already know that enough is enough.

I Did it My Way

And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, I'll say it clear,
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain.

I've lived a life that's full.
I've traveled each and every highway;
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, I've had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.

I've loved, I've laughed and cried.
I've had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
"No, oh no not me,I did it my way".

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows
And did it my way!

Fire & Ice

My "boyfriend" told me last night that I never stick to one thing, and I am immovable. Is this supposed to be a bad thing? I'm not sure yet. From the way he said it, he thinks it's a bad thing. I mean I guess if you are trying to "move" someone, and they are immovable then it would be pretty frustrating. He said when I do try to change, I never give that change time enough to take affect. Maybe he gets that impression cause' I don't feel like I should change. I've always said I'm fire and ice. It's no secret that I can swing from hot to cold in a moments notice if provoked. These are all just thoughts I'm throwing out there, since we just had the conversation late last night and I haven't had the time to really think about it yet. But what I have been thinking about is the concept of change and if it's possible. Do you think after you reach a certain age you are capable of real, deep down to the core, change?
I've been on my own since I was 18 years old. Earlier than that if you want to count the time when adults were present but weren't doing shit to help me. Everything I have I've gotten on my own. I'm not saying I haven't had help here and there along the way, but for the most part it's been all on me. A couple of months ago a friend of mine was doing some kind of personality survey. She told me one of the questions was "name one adjective that best describes you" (or something to that effect). I guess that would be hard for most people, but right off the rip I said "survivor". I've always used that word to describe myself (yes, even before destiny's child). I feel so strongly about it, that the word is inked across my lower back. I've had enough pain to last two lifetimes, and I've survived it. Still am surviving it. I feel like it's inevitable for someone who has gone through what I have gone thru, to have hard places where the soft ones used to be. Is it possible for me to change? Who I am has gotten me through everything. I will admit it's also gotten me into some trouble too. And I will also admit that at times I can be stubborn and a little high-strung. But I've always been like that, even in the beginning of the relationship. I mean if you love someone how do you change without compromising who you really are? And why does it always seem like the things a person loves about you in the beginning are the same things they hate about you in the end. I guess that's why they call it falling in love. Maybe during the "fall" we hit our heads along the way and it clouds our judgment. Next time I'll wear a helmet.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month

Do Something!
Originally uploaded by missmeka.

INVICTUS

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

?Relationships? Pt. 2

I was in the shower this morning thinking about men and women (sounds nasty doesn't it?). The differences between us are so huge how does anyone ever have a successful relationship? Doesn't it seem like what women want are in direct contradiction to what men want? I'm a woman, which doesn't automatically make me a feminist, but I am a feminist. Some people think being a feminist means taking the woman's side no matter what. I don't take anyone’s side no matter what. I feel like sometimes we give ourselves a bad name. I'm including myself in that statement too. I have no delusions of superior knowledge when it comes to men and women, just observations, and personal experience. For instance, I was watching a show the other day about music and music videos particularly rap music. It was a panel of all different types of people discussing the issue. The women were saying how rap music, exploits women and how music videos only degrade women and show them as gold-diggers, and ho's etc.... Not one woman said what really needed to be said. It couldn't be done if there weren't lines and lines of women at every casting call for these videos, trying to get a part. It couldn't be done if these women weren't sleeping with these rappers on the first night hoping to get their rent paid. These women have let themselves be cast in that light. I'm not saying that men have no hand in this but the women are helping to perpetuate these stereotypes. I know what you're thinking.... how did she get from men and women to rap videos? The answer to that is.... I don't know. I just got off on an exit and went 80mph. Back to the main highway. Men and women. Why is it so hard? What are we fighting for? I'm going to tell you. Listen closely. Nothing. That's what we are fighting for. I don't think in the history of the world, has a woman ever been changed by a man or a man been changed by a woman. We are fighting for nothing. We won't ever see eye to eye. At least not in the fundamental sense. We will never be on common ground. We will never make sense to each other. EVER. What we will do is love each other, lust after each other, pursue each other, and make fools of ourselves for each other. We will try to make relationships work, we will try to survive marriage and family, we will try to understand each other, and try to compromise for each other. It's a little like a football game (or my limited version based on my limited understanding of a football game). It's our team against theirs, and every argument is like a run for the end zone. Their team will try to stop us from gaining ground and our team will try to stop theirs. There are almost always fumbles, sometimes painful interceptions, and hopefully a little offensive touching. Every now and then a flag will be thrown (usually white), there is almost always halftime ("we were on a break") and when it's all over we retire back to our respective locker rooms, and wait it out until the next game.

Karma, Destiny, Fate & all that Jazz

By a show of hands who believes in karma? I certainly do. I've been told for as long as I can remember "what goes around, comes around", "you get what you give" etc.... For those of you who don't believe, really take a look at your life and the things that have happened to you. I'm sure many of you, like me, don't have to look to far back to see where karma has come back and bit you in the ass. I feel I'm basically a good person, but I have done not so good things. My self-preservation instincts are stronger than most, and I have a quick trigger when I feel myself being threatened in any way. My son, who is 7 months old, is already displaying an iron will that keeps me on my toes everyday. My mom says when she found out I was pregnant, she prayed I would get back what I gave her. If things remain on this track, it looks like her prayers will be answered. I wonder how karma ties in with fate. Fate is the supposed force, principle, or power that predetermines events. If you believe in fate, then everything that happens in our lives has already been mapped out and the choices you make are catalysts for that predetermined outcome. If that is true than it would seem that our choices really aren't choices at all. Does fate determine destiny or does destiny determine fate? Are destiny and fate the same exact thing? Being the willful, stubborn person I am, I'd like to think that "I am the master of my fate", but if that were true, wouldn't I be exactly where I want to be in life right now? These days with so many "choices" it's easy to see where mankind can be delusional enough to think we have a say in the grand scheme of things. This is not to say that hard work won't get you far in life, it will, just realize that when you get there it's exactly where you were meant to be.

My Angel

Whatta Face!
Originally uploaded by missmeka.

"Touched by An Angel"

We, unaccustomed to courage
exiles from delight
live coiled in shells of loneliness
until love leaves its high holy temple
and comes into our sight
to liberate us into life.

Love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure
ancient histories of pain.
Yet if we are bold,
love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls.

We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love`s light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free.
-Maya Angelou

?Relationships?

My two boys
Originally uploaded by missmeka.

This is my 4th one today. I'm on a roll. For some reason I'm up on my soapbox today. You know the other day my "boyfriend" actually said I went on a tirade. Wow. I used the quotes around boyfriend cause we aren't actually together. We don't have a title. We've been with each other exclusively for almost two years. For part of those two years we were together, for the rest we weren't. But we still do everything we did when we were a couple. And I mean everything. Isn't that crazy? Anyone ever find themselves in that situation? I mean we've had a son together during this time, gone on dates, traveled to see each other (he's in Philly, I'm in Delaware), fought together, cried together, and everything in between. What is the deal with man/woman relationships? Has anyone but me seen the cruel joke of it all? I mean he an I are so alike and so different at the same time. We are both stubborn to a fault, we have such strong personalities that at times it seems like we are enemies. He's an Aries, and I'm a Sagittarius. If that gives you any clue. I mean he is infuriating. Ladies, ever meet a man who never thinks he's wrong? That's him. He drives me crazy. The one thing that saves us is our love for each other. It's an all-consuming, awe-inspiring love. For those Friends fans out there, remember the scene where Chandler was letting Janice go to be with her husband and child because he didn't want to stand in the way of them reconciling? Remember when Janice told Chandler that what they have is "movie love"? Well that's us. We are so passionate for one another. I mean he cherishes me, and who I am as a person. He keeps me grounded, which is a hard job cause I can be a little high strung. He takes care of me (not financially), and he's a wonderful father to our son. He's really a beautiful person and I love him. Having said all that, he still can be a smartass sometimes. I was watching Chris Rock's HBO special "Never Scared" the other day. He said if you've never contemplated murder you've never been in love. It must be true because sometimes I swear I could choke him. Hi baby:)

Disenfranchised

I look at other blogs and most people only have like one post a day, 2 at the max. This is my third today and I'm not entirely sure this will be the last. I'm not sure what my point is, or even what that says about me, I just thought it was worth mentioning. Anyway...I usually don't talk politics. I think it's a very personal matter. I don't ask people who they vote for, or even if they are Democrat or Republican. I do however think it's important to vote. I've always felt strongly about that, but I’ve never felt as strongly as I do this year. I am a Democrat, whatever that means. What it doesn't mean is I won't vote for a Republican candidate if one comes along that I can believe in. Having said that, I can't believe anyone, Republican or otherwise would vote for Bush/Cheney this upcoming election. Bush is a liar. Plain and simple. He lied about the reason he went to war and he continues to lie about it even after everyone else has found out the truth. There were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. He knew it and his administration knew it. I have a theory that every President secretly wants a war during his term. Especially if things aren't going so well. Nothing like a war to make Americans forget the real issues. And you know what pisses me off? They are giving the impression that anyone who speaks negatively about the war is unpatriotic or doesn't support our troops. I love this country. Wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I also support our troops, they are doing something I couldn't do and wouldn't unless I was forced to. Speaking up about the negative effects of the war on this country doesn't make me unpatriotic, it makes me American. Freedom of speech, remember? Our troops are over there for the wrong reasons; fighting a fight they can't win. This war is our generations Vietnam. This isn't the Wild Wild West where you can just ride into town on the white horse and shoot all the bad guys in black. It's a little more complicated than that. These days it's hard to tell who the good and bad guys are, so you can't just charge in guns blazing. It's like Bush is living out some childhood Cowboy and Indians fantasy. The evidence that he and his henchmen are taking this country on a slow ride to destruction is all around us. The job market is virtually nonexistent, healthcare costs are increasing, fuel prices are increasing, his incompetence is increasing and my anger is increasing. He's destroying our hard-cultivated relationships with the rest of the world, and making a mockery out of the United Nations. And you know the biggest reason I'm angry? Where the hell is Osama Bin Laden? How come his name hasn't been mentioned in months? Did Bush forget 9/11? Did he forget that not only was Bin Laden one of the masterminds behind the mission, he funded it also? The war in Iraq is a pitiful ruse to keep our minds off the real issues. Bush is pushing his own agenda under the guise that it's what's best for the American people. He's playing on our fears. Terrorism has become this administrations buzzword. Say terrorism and we immediately conjure up images of firemen and police officers digging thru the wreckage of the World Trade Centers. Mr. President, why has your administration lost almost 2 million jobs and fallen short of your employment prediction by almost 7 million? Terrorism. Mr. President, since you took office, 5 million Americans have lost their health insurance. Today, one in seven (45 million) Americans has no health coverage. Why? Terrorism. Mr. President why has your administration failed to provide the promised resources necessary for schools to meet the requirements of the No Child Left Behind Act, underfunding your own law by $27 billion? Terrorism. Mr. President... well you get the picture. And what ever happened to separating church and state? Bush is shoving his own religious beliefs down our throats. It's evident in his stance on gay marriages. I am proudly heterosexual. I don't know if being gay is wrong, in my opinion that's for God to judge. What I do know is it's wrong for the government to tell homosexuals they can't marry. Because the issue isn’t about homosexual marriage, it's about civil liberties. If the government can tell gays they can't marry who's next? A black person can't marry a white person? A Catholic can't marry a Jew? Sound crazy? Well think about it. The very definition of civil liberty is EQUAL protection under the law - EQUAL treatment regardless of race, sex, religion or national origin and your right to privacy and freedom from unwarranted government intrusion into your personal and private affairs. This goes to the very heart of the Constitution. If these rights are threatened then the cornerstone of American politics and democracy is threatened. Think about all those priceless freedoms we cherish in our country. Aren't they what make our country different from so many others?

So as election day draws near, really think about what's at stake here. It's not just partisan, it's not just about the have's and the have not's. It's not just about black and white, old or young, male or female. It's just about FREEDOM.

Empty Vessels

The many faces of Ben
Originally uploaded by missmeka.

Babies are empty vessels. We fill them up with our ideas, our love, or beliefs, even our hate and our prejudices. We either provide them with the right key to a healthy, happy, and fulfilled life or the wrong one. Imagine standing at the gateway to happiness, fulfillment, and love, ready to unlock it, only to realize you have the wrong key.

The next time you speak to your child, or any child for that matter, the next time you can make a difference in a childs life, the next time you have a choice to do the right thing or the wrong thing..... remember children don't have a choice. They didn't ask to be here. We are their gatekeepers

What happens when we die?

Ever wonder what happens when you die? If you believe in heaven and hell, the short version is.... if you were good, heaven, if you were bad a little farther south of heaven. But my question is less of a heaven/hell one, and more of a 'will life’s mysteries be solved?' I just had an epiphany right while I was typing. Maybe that is hell. Not having all the who, what, whys and where’s answered. Maybe the not knowing is what hell really is. Of course for those of you going to hell it probably seems better than eternal fire and damnation. But to me that's a horrible notion. I'm one of those people who shake presents before opening them, who starts looking for surprise party clues around my birthday. I search for Christmas presents in closets and under beds, I beg for hints and pout when I don't get them. Needless to say I have an all-consuming need to know everything. So the thought of not knowing why life is the way it is, why things have happened the way they have, is my own personal hell. Another epiphany! Maybe everyone has their own personal hell to contend with when they die. Maybe whatever it is you fear the most in life is what you are faced with in death. Wouldn't that be something? Sort of like that scene in the Witches of Eastwick. Where Jack Nicholson (the devil), conjures up the women’s worse fears and makes them live them. I have so many fears; I think I would die all over again if I had to live mine. Well it's not like it's something I can research, so I guess I won't know until I die. How ironic.

So now what?

Ok so I've always wanted to have a baby. I mean I'm 28 soon to be 29, I'm in a meaningful realtionship (whatever that means), I want a baby. Now I have one. So now what? Why do people procreate? Is it in-bred? Is it wired into our DNA? Cause I swear now that I have this baby, I don't know what to do next. I love my son with all my heart, but what makes a mother? It can't be love alone. I suspect it's much more to it than that. But what? I look at this tiny life that is in my hands and I wonder why God listened to me when I said I wanted a child. I mean I cant use my dysfunctional parents as role models. And I've learned that if you try to do everything your parents didn't do, then you still end up making mistakes, just not their mistakes. So join me on this journey as I fumble thru motherhood and life. Hopefully becoming all the better for having done it.

Look at those cheeks!

Look at those cheeks
Originally uploaded by missmeka.

This is what all the trouble was for. All the pain, all the morning sickness, all the drama. The cravings, when I thought I would die if I didn't have it. The toxemia, where my feet where so swollen I thought they would burst, the gestational diabetes, when I couldn't eat anything I was craving.

It was definately worth it!