good lovin

ummmm good lovin
good like ice cream on a hot day
no. wait.
good like ice cream drippin down my thighs on a hot day


good like watchin larenz
and nia make love jones
like memorizing my favorite song
like listening to jill scott
john legend and real hip-hop

good like sittin on the front stoop
getting my hair twisted
like double dutch and hopscotch
like dark skin reflected in the sunlight
like a shoe sale at manolo blahnik

good like great
like wonderful like exceptional like
e.x.c.e.l.l.e.n.t like m.a.r.v.e.l.o.u.s
like damn
like whoa

good like that first kiss, that first touch
like me under you, you under me
like the sounds i make when im wet
like the smell of you on my skin
like that final shudder

good.
Like.
ummmmm.

Transitions

Warning: Long relationship post coming. This is also a different spin on a previous post.

The Art of War
Sun-Tzu The Art of War Chapter 6: Weakness & Strength

Generally the one who first occupies the battlefield awaiting the enemy is at ease; the one who comes later and rushes into battle is fatigued.

Therefore those skilled in warfare move the enemy, and are not moved by the enemy.

Getting the enemy to approach on his own accord is a matter of showing him advantage; stopping him from approaching is a matter of showing him harm.

Therefore, if the enemy is at ease, be able to exhaust him

If the enemy is well fed, be able to starve him

If the enemy is settled, be able to move him

Appear at places where he must rush to defend, and rush to places where he least expects.

I try to apply much of this philosophy to daily life. The word enemy can be easily replaced with boss, co-worker, friend, or lover. To me this chapter is about emotional and mental preparedness. I grew up in a household where tears and excuses were not tolerated. Where strength was rewarded and weakness was punished. Where being right was important and winning was everything. I think in a way it stunted my emotional growth but I also feel it prepared me for the cruelties and unfairness of life. I try to always be the one with the upper hand. “Therefore those skilled in warfare move the enemy, and are not moved by the enemy.” Words to live by, don’t you think?

I don't like to be surprised or unprepared. To be prepared for anything is a skill that takes a lot of hard work to sharpen and can never be mastered. But still I try. To me mental preparedness is important if you don't want to go thru life dumbfounded.

The only place I fail, and miserably I might add, is in relationships. When it comes to relationships, I find myself flailing and struggling to keep up with all the little things you have to maintain to make them successful. In relationships people often surprise me, and I find myself scrambling to find my footing. I hate that feeling. All the little idiosyncrasies people have, the character flaws, the emotional baggage, are very hard for me to handle because I always believe the best about someone and when I see the worse it really devastates me. My biggest problem is expecting from others what I would give. In doing so I am disappointed 90% of the time.

My son’s father and I have “ended” things so many times before that I’ve lost count. But this time it feels final or at the very least long-term. It feels like we’ve both realized that we can’t make it together right now. Maybe not ever. I only alluded to the argument we had the other day in my previous post because I wasn’t ready to write about the details. What I will say is that he said things to me that really gave me something to think about. In previous relationships I had thought out pretty much every action and reaction beforehand. I assessed how things would affect all involved, especially myself, and acted accordingly. My ex boyfriend used to call me cold & calculating. For the most part that was true. Don’t get me wrong I loved the person I was with and I would do anything I could for them, but emotionally I was very closed off. I had to know what I would gain and what I would lose before I did something. With my son’s father though, things were different. I’ve never really been in love like that. I never let down my guard like that. I never felt those butterflies or that feeling of being swept away before. I think I kind of lost my balance. I lost sight of things that I knew to be true and went against what I felt in my gut.

When we first met I really wasn’t feeling being in a relationship. I had just found out some life changing news that was taking up most of my time and focus. I had also just gotten out of a semi-relationship with someone who betrayed me. So when he came along I knew that I wasn’t ready. But as time went on he would do little things to wear me down. He was very romantic and attentive. He would constantly say he wanted to be with me and to just step out on faith. He wrote me little poems and sent me letters in the mail. He was there for me whenever I needed him. We would talk on the phone for hours. Before I knew it, I had fallen in love. Before we could even revel in the fact that we were in love, the problems started. He changed positions at his job, which didn’t allow him to spend as much time with me, and his grandmother passed away. His grandmother was the woman who raised him. She had been sick for a while and it really hit him hard when she died. All of these things coupled with the things I was going thru really threw our relationship into a tailspin. Now here we are almost 3 years later and that tailspin has finally come to an end. It seems like a lifetime ago when we were so in love with nothing on the horizon but blue skies and calm seas. Now sometimes I find it hard to recall why I fell in love with him in the first place. I wish now I had done things differently.

The saddest thing is he’s my best friend. I can come to him with anything and know he’ll still be there for me and still love me. That kind of love gives you wings. I think our past pain bought us together and tore us apart. I think when we speak now it will only be about our son. It will be pretty hard, but we’ve been running in place for a while now. We haven’t progressed in any way that I can see. The things that used to bother me about him are now magnified, and I’m sure he feels the same. His arrogance and sarcasm drive me crazy. His smart-ass mouth is so frustrating sometimes. I view it as a defense mechanism and I don’t think he realizes how it makes him look. The only thing worse than arrogance is baseless arrogance. You ever meet someone who is arrogant and you can’t figure out what they have to be arrogant about? I guess that’s what he had to do to get thru all his past rejections. I don’t know. Right now I’m settling into this new stage and it’s pretty hard but it will be ok. I felt like I was in a rut so at the very least this is something different. I’m really going to miss being able to have sex whenever I want. I’ve been sleeping with the same person for three years. It will be hard to let that go. I’m a very sexual person but I don’t sleep around so my frustration will be mounting in the coming weeks. I refer to this time as the transitional stage. Those first few weeks/months that you aren’t getting any after you’ve been having sex on the regular. It’s so fucking frustrating. After you’ve bought and used all the batteries in the free world, you get over it and then it’s smooth sailing. I guess I'll just have to wait it out.

Sorry for rambling but I did warn you:)

It's still hot dammit!

It's hotter than cootie brown outside. I am not going anywhere today. Once I get to work, I'm barricading myself in. I’m not even going to think about leaving for lunch. When it’s hot I sweat like a slave and that is soooo unattractive. My sister called me to see if I want to go to the fair tonight? WTF? Is she crazy? Unless the fair is inside this year then hell no I’m not going. As soon as I get home I’m taking a shower turning the AC on high and taking a nap with my son. Extreme heat like this makes me tired and saps my energy. !@#%$!

Is anyone other than me feeling that new Toni Braxton song? I was blasting it this morning. Put a little pep in my step. The violins are crazy. Speaking of songs, whatever happened to CD and cassette singles? I wish they would bring them back, so I don’t have to keep buying whole CD’s for one damn song. I used to have a car full of singles. I was over my mom’s house the other day and found Troop’s All I Do is Think of You and Monica’s It’s just One of Them Days. That took me back. I used to go to the record store every payday and buy like 10 cassette singles. Those were the days…

Anyway…I stole this from ej. Thanks!

Ten years ago: I was 20 on my own and thought I knew every damn thing.
Five years ago: I was 25 and just starting to realize what womanhood really meant.
One year ago: I was still getting the hang of this motherhood thing and loving every minute of it.
Yesterday: I went to work, picked up my son and went home. I played some music while I caught up on some letters I should have written a while ago.
Today: The day isn’t over yet, but so far I’ve caught up on most of my work and gave a much needed cleaning to my desk. Tonight I’m going to see my friend and her new baby.
Tomorrow: I’m going bowling on base and to the movies to see Hustle & Flow. I need to squeeze in a trip to the mall to get my baby some shoes too.
5 snacks I enjoy: Reduced Fat Sour Cream & Onion Pringles, Ben & Jerrys, Pretzels, Strawberries, and popcorn
5 bands that I know the lyrics to most of their songs: 112, Earth Wind & Fire, Atlantic Starr, The Roots, The Fugees
5 things I would do with $100,000,000: By myself a house, Give each member of my immediate family 3-5 million, set up a trust fund for my son, take my sisters, girlfriends, mother and step-mother to a spa/vacation, start a business catering to working mothers
5 locations I’d like to runaway to: New York, Dubai, Atlanta, The Caribbean, Hawaii
5 bad habits I have: Cursing, not paying attention/listening, being late, procrastination, holding grudges
5 things I like doing: Reading, writing, playing with my son, traveling, sex
5 things I would never wear: ugly shoes, hickeys, fake jewelry, too-tight clothing, black stockings with white shoes
5 TV shows I like: Friends, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Sex & the City, A Different World, The Cosby Show
5 movies I like: Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Love Jones,Love Actually, The Color Purple
5 famous people I’d like to meet: Hillary Clinton, Maya Angelou, Mos Def, Condeleeza Rice, Oprah
5 biggest joys at the moment: My son, my family, my friends, son’s father, school
5 favorite toys: Perfection, Operation, Go Fish, Bubblegum Baby, Etch a Sketch

It's hot dammit!

I was listening to the radio this morning and one of the topics of conversation kind of caught my ear. They asked the question “has coochie lost its value?” Usually I turn the dial when stuff like this comes on the radio, but for some reason I was really curious about what everyone had to say. A lot of males called in and said yes it had, while of course most of the females said it hadn’t. The host of the show was saying that it’s so easy to get that it isn’t valuable anymore. He said every time he goes to the club he has his pick of women more than willing to go home with him. We all know the easier it is to get something the less valuable it becomes. That’s basic supply and demand. Are the panties dropping so frequently and easily that men don’t value it as much as they used to? Any thoughts?

This weekend was not good. My son still had a high fever and we ended up at the hospital again. His fever has been running at least 104 since last week. They can’t tell me why though. After they ran some more blood tests they decided they wanted to do a spinal tap to rule out meningitis. I hate having to make decisions like that. It’s really a damn if you do, damn if you don’t situation. I decided to go ahead and let them do it. Let me tell you… I’ve only been a mother for 18 months (28 if you include belly time) but I never want to go thru anything like that again. The sounds that came out of my baby were terrible. I’ve never heard any sound so primal and full of pain in my life. They wanted me to hold him down but I knew I couldn’t do it. My first instinct is to pick up my son when he’s hurt. With a spinal tap you have to be really still or risk paralysis. I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold him still. I didn’t want to stay in the room either, cause’ I knew he would be looking at me with that “why aren’t you doing anything” look. That look just kills me. After all of that he didn’t even have meningitis. That made me feel like an even bigger asshole. Not that I wanted him too have it, I’m thankful he doesn’t, I just felt horrible about it. This morning when he woke up he was a cool as a cucumber. Hopefully it was just a virus that was a little stronger than usual. Hopefully the worse is over.

My son’s father and I had a long talk yesterday. I guess I should say a long argument. He and I cannot communicate. It seems like when I try to get my point across he doesn’t understand it and vice versa. The sheer volume of arguments we have had over the years has worn both of us down. I have never had problems like these in any relationship that I’ve ever been in. I don’t know what it is but we just can’t seem to talk to each other and that drives us both crazy. Yesterday he said I only give love to him 5% of the time. Damn. Talk about hurt feelings. Especially since all of this time I thought that was the one thing I was doing right… loving him. I guess not.

My friend is off the boat and he’s back on base so he decided to call me this morning at 5am. I don’t know what his problem is but he thinks that whenever he comes back he should call me no matter what time it is. I don’t know where he’s been and if there was a time difference, but if you want to have a nice conversation with me then don’t call me at 5am. He was all excited because he bought a motorcycle. He had one before but it was stolen. So it’s 5am and he’s telling me different things about the motorcycle and I really could give a damn but I listen. He’ll be here on Wednesday and wants to take me for a ride but I’ll have to think about that one. Motorcycles scare me. The good news is he doesn’t think he’ll be going anywhere any time soon so I have my travel buddy back for a little while.

We haven't had a summer this hot in a while. The heat wouldn't be as bad if it wasn't so humid. It's even hot at night. I hate it. It's going to be 96 degrees here tomorrow and the humidity is going to be high too. Damn!

Random Friday Madness

1. Why will people tell you boldface lie and then try to turn the tables on you when you call them on it. You got caught so just admit it. I would respect you more. Don’t try to make that other person feel like it was their fault you lied.

2. Why did I get a funny look when this car FULL of Black folks pulled up next to me today cause I was blasting Hoobastank in my car? Yes I listen to alternative music… and damn well enjoy it too. I like a few country songs too. So what? Sometimes it’s nice to take a break from hearing about brothas getting trapped in the closet, or droppin it like it’s hot, or somebody leaking till they’re soakin wet (which is horrible by the way). Maybe that’s just me.

3. Why does everyone laugh at me when I say I’m short but I have long legs? I mean think about it. Some people have long torsos and short legs and vice versa. I happen to have a shorter torso and longer legs. But I’m still short as hell. Think about it.

4. If I’m standing in line at the grocery store with a cart full of food, and you are behind me with like two things, I will say go ahead in front of me. But do not, I repeat DO NOT, proceed to send your son for 3 things you forgot and hold up the line.

5. Why am I hooked on Laguna Beach on MTV and The Hogans on VH-1? I mean I knew I was a reality TV junky but this is too much even for me.

6. Why is the new girl on the phone all day? I mean you’ve only been here 2 weeks. Don’t start slacking until at least your fourth week. Not only is she loud as hell, she comes in here looking like she went to the club the night before and never changed clothes.

7. Is it just me, or after good sex do you feel like you can do anything?

8. Why does my supervisor say supposubly instead of supposedly? Or pacific instead of specific. Or treach instead of teach? And why does it bother me like nails on a chalkboard?

9. Why do females who can’t walk in high heels, walk in high heels? If you know your time limit in heels is 2 hours and you work an 8-hour day, you might want to take a pair of flats with you. That way when hour 3 hits you aren’t tiptoeing around like your trying to scare somebody.

10. Advice to my employer: If you want me to be productive on a Friday afternoon, then don’t feed me sandwiches and pasta salad and chips and cake and… well just don’t feed me period. If you do you waive your right to me working instead of watching the clock, blogging, and nodding off a little.

Clown General Hospital

I just got to work. I’ve been up with a sick baby all night in the emergency room. I had to show my ass ya’ll. I am a very calm person. It takes a whole helluva lot to get me to the point where I feel I need to raise my voice. I reached that point today. When it comes to my son, don’t fuck with me. Period.

I take him to the ER cause he’s burning up. I mean hot to the touch burning up. When we get there they take his temperature and it’s 104.6. When I heard that my jaws just dropped. My poor baby. I guess I watch too much TV cause I expected the nurse to rush us back stat. I wanted them to drop everything they were doing, call a code blue, and come rushing to my baby’s bedside. All I got was an “ok go sit back in the waiting room and they will call you for registration”. What the fuck? How high does a baby’s temp have to be before I can skip registration and go straight back to treatment? 204.6? Do I need to stick a lighter to his body and make him boil? So right away I’m pissed. An hour later, after me getting up no less than 10 times to give the triage lady my “come the fuck on” eye roll, we get taken to the back. Doctor comes in to ask me some stupid questions. “Why did you bring him in?” Uhhhh did you not see the chart? I’ve already gone thru this with the triage nurse. “Did his high temp alarm you?” No I thought it was funny, I just bought him to the ER to see if you thought it was too. What a fucktard (thanks Belle that’s my new favorite word).

After this idiot interrogates me, the nurse comes in to give him a bag of fluid, draw some blood, and get a urine sample. Apparently the only way to get a urine sample from a baby boy is to stick a catheter tube into his penis. Advice to the medical community: invent a pill that you can give a baby to make them pee. Don’t stick a tube down their penis and damn sure don’t comment that this won’t hurt that much. It will. I don’t have to have a penis to know that. So they get the blood and urine samples and then go for the IV. The second nurse comes in and I swear this is the conversation:

Nurse 1: Have you ever done a pediatric IV before?
Nurse 2: No, I tried to do one yesterday but I couldn’t get a vein so Cathy (I’m assuming another nurse) did it. I was poking around on that poor little arm for 5 minutes.
Nurse 1: Well go get a kit and you can do this one.

No the fuck she can’t. My son’s name is Benjamin not Guinea. Nurse 1 must have seen the look on my face. “Don’t worry this is a teaching hospital. We all learned by practicing.” Was that reassurance? I’m sure that it’s true. I mean how can you learn medicine without practicing it? You can’t. I still don’t give a damn. Not on my son. So Nurse 2 comes back with the IV kit. Nurse one says she’ll go ahead and do it and then gives her a little look. Whatever. Just get it done. By this time Peanut is screaming. He’s sweaty and wet from crying and trying to jerk his body away so when she tries to tape the IV to his hand the tape won’t stick. So she sends the nurse out once again to get some stuff to make the tape stick. Somehow the idiot got her finger stuck to the tape and when she tried to yank it the whole IV came out. I lost it. I went the fuck off. Called her every name I could think of. Told her I want a doctor to do this or a nurse that didn’t have stupid written on her forehead.

I’m just happy my baby is ok. It was just a viral infection. He’s better now and almost back to his naughty self.

Ummmm...

I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day
I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.

I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.

I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,

and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue.

-Pablo Neruda

Harry Potter Baby!!!!

I’m 29 years old soon to be 30 and should know better but I love, love, love Harry Potter. I have a love of reading that spans over two decades. Books to me are precious and priceless and I love nothing better than to curl up in my comfortable chair and read a book. No TV, no music, no phone, just peace and quiet and my book. When I was a child books were an escape for me. They made me feel safe in an environment that wasn’t. Even back then I could open a 300-page book and read it from cover to cover in no time. I will read just about any type of book. I love mysteries and romance, fiction and non-fiction. It doesn’t really matter. I went from a child reading Judy Blume to an adult reading John Grisham. But when I started reading Harry Potter I didn’t realize that I would get hooked. I know they are supposed to be for kids but I can’t help it. I cannot wait to start on the new one.

I’ve started reading them to Peanut, which I mentioned to a friend of mine. She flipped out. “Those books are about witches and wizards and that’s the devil.” Uhhhh… be easy. It’s just a book. I’m not teaching him about devil worship or anything like that. It’s called imagination. I will teach him how to draw the line between fantasy and reality. I mean it’s the same with Barney and Dragon Tales. He’s not going to go around looking for purple dinosaurs or flying dragons. I think Harry Potter teaches children valuable lessons about friendship and strength.

Anyway… It’s going to rain all weekend again. I wanted to take the Peanut swimming this weekend but I guess that’s out. His dad should be here which should be interesting since we haven’t really been talking lately. I don’t even want to get into all of that drama. I guess I’ll just have to see how it goes.

Mothers?

No one knows me better than I know myself. Yet I keep getting told what I should do and what I need to do. It started with my mom last week. My son and I were over her house and he went for the crystal dish on her glass coffee table. So I picked it up and moved it to where he couldn’t reach it. You would have thought I threw it on the ground and smashed it. “Why are you moving that dish? Don’t move things you smack his hands so he won’t touch them.” WTF??? Why would I do that when I can just as easily move the dish out of his reach? I try not to spank my son. I had an overbearing father who spanked us if we made too much noise in the house. I think some Black people have a tendency to over punish their children. Children don’t need to be belittled and berated. Sometimes it’s ok to talk to your child. Spanking isn’t always the answer. Now that doesn’t mean I won’t tap some ass either. My son is headstrong. He will look me in my face and do the opposite of what I tell him to do. And I know he understands. So I’m sure as he gets older he’s got it coming to him. But right now he’s only 17 months. Moving a dish isn’t going to hurt me so why make the alternative spanking?

That was incident number one. Number two was when I walked into the house after going to the store and find a lollipop in his mouth. I am a fanatic when it comes to what my son eats. I think to much sugar is why we have kids on ADHD medicine, and why kids are so overweight. When I was a kid we could have as much candy as we wanted. There are pictures in our photo album of me sitting at the table with a plate of pig feet and chitterlings in front of us. And we were all overweight. We were allowed to sit in front of the TV for hours and hours as long as we were quiet and out of our parents way. I don’t want that for my son. I want him to eat a balanced diet and I want him to get plenty of fresh air and exercise. Now I’m not a Nazi either. I don’t put my baby on the treadmill or make him eat diet food or anything like that. But he does eat plenty of fruit and vegetables and I limit how much TV he watches. He does get candy but in very limited amounts. And if he’s already been drinking juice all day I don’t want him having candy on top of that. I’ve repeatedly asked them to cut back on the juice. Give him more water and milk. Or if you’re going to give him juice then make it half juice and half water. My pleas fall on deaf ears. It pisses me off.

Incident number three happened the other day. This was the last straw for me. I’m the type of person who can take a lot. A whole lot. But when I reach my breaking point then you better watch out. My son’s birthday is in January. Of course when it’s winter there are a lot of limitations when it comes to kid’s birthday parties. So about a month ago I mentioned maybe having a summer birthday party for him and just doing something small in January. I just mentioned it in passing and really haven’t thought anymore about it. Well Monday night when I was over my mom’s house I saw these birthday invitations with Barney on them. I asked her who they were for and she said they are for Peanuts birthday party. We’re having one next month in the backyard. We’ve already told some people but I still wanted to send out invitations. WHAT THE??? I love my mom, and I rarely lose my temper with her because I think it’s disrespectful, but I couldn’t hold it in. How the hell are you going to start planning a birthday party for my son? Who are you to do that? I told you last month that I was thinking about doing that myself. I haven’t been that mad at her in a while. I had to walk out before I said something I would regret. I’m still pissed. I just don’t understand her sometimes. She drives me crazy. I have male friends and they never go thru the drama with their mothers that I do with mine. But my female friends do. I wonder why that is. Why it's such a struggle for mothers and daughters to get along? I don't know but i'm thankful I have a son.

Randomness

"What, me worry?"

Why is Sistah’s in New Jersey this year? It’s been in Philly every year and now all of a sudden it’s in NJ. WTF? That puts a monkey wrench in my plans. My son’s father is supposed to be here this weekend. I say supposed to because I’m not sure if he is or isn’t. We haven’t spoken in a little bit so I’m not sure if the plans have changed. Anyway it seems like this year all they are doing is sponsoring a concert and calling it Sistah’s. It will be a helluva concert though, so I guess I shouldn’t complain too much. Come to think of it, i’m not even going so why do I care? Cause I’m crazy that’s why.

I have to get a tooth pulled. They wanted to do a root canal but I can’t do it. I’m to scared. I have a very low pain threshold especially when it comes to my teeth. That’s why I take care of them. I don’t even like being in a dentist office. The smell makes me nauseous. I can’t describe it but they all smell the same. I guess I have to suck it up and have it done though. Right now the whole left side of my face is swollen and I’m in serious pain. The dentist gave me some Vicodin but I can only take it at night cause it makes me loopy.

Is anyone else laughing their ass off about Hillary Clintons Alfred E. Neuman comment on Bush? What makes it so funny is that it’s true. So very, very, very true. And now every time I see him I picture ole’ Alfred and laugh all over again. Thank you Hillary.

Hair 911

What the hell is wrong with my hair? I can’t do anything with it. It drives me crazy. I used to have long, beautiful, thick hair when I was younger. My mom used to straighten it out and I would wear it in long ponytails. As I got older it got thicker so she started putting perms in it. Of course that ruined it. It started breaking off and getting thinner. By the time I was in high school it was half the length it was when I was in grade school and probably half as thick. Now it’s shoulder length and a little on the thin side. I haven’t had a perm in about 4 years so most of the damage has been repaired. I love natural hair. I have a “good grade” of hair but I have no idea what to do with it. I see all these beautiful sistah’s rocking their natural styles and I’m envious. One of the many drawbacks of being from a small town is that there are only a couple of quality salons around here and of those two none of the stylists specialize in natural hair. They keep saying “you have pretty wavy hair, just put some mousse on it and wear it out”. Yeah ok. I tried that and after an hour it’s just puffy and frizzy and a looks like a hot mess. It’s driving me crazy.

Anyway… I went to a toy party last night. If anyone has ever been to one of these you know how crazy they can be. This was my first one and I have to say it was interesting to say the least. One of the new girls at my job has a friend who sells lingerie and toys and she was having this party. I’m not going to go into all the freaky-deaky details but I had a really good time. I didn’t buy anything (this time) but it was fun nevertheless. I met some new and interesting people, which is always good. The party was an hour away so I didn’t get home until after 11. Which is why I’m sitting here at work sleepy as hell. I was up yesterday at 4am cause my baby is sick. He has a cold and was tossing a turning all night long. I guess around 4 he’d had enough cause he woke up crying. Then he wanted to play so I didn’t get him back to sleep until 5:30. I get up at 6 so I had about 4 hours sleep. For me that’s torture. I need at least 8 hours of sleep to function. I prefer 9 or 10. What never ceases to amaze me is people who can run on 3 and 4 hours of sleep. I’m not built like that. If I don’t get enough sleep I’m a crab ass. I will sit here all day and not say a word and teeter in between sleep and awake. I’m not productive at all. What’s so crazy is I should be used to that because I’m a borderline insomniac. I go nights when I can’t sleep at all, so 3 or 4 hours should be heaven to me, but it’s not. I’d rather not sleep at all then get into some good sleeping and have to wake up.

getting reacquainted

Isn't he getting big?

You ever feel like you just need a break from everything. That’s where I’ve been… on a break. I wish I could come back and say I’ve been doing fantastic things like traveling or going out but I haven’t. I’ve just been raising my son, going to work, and taking care of my business.

The things that prompted me to take a break are no longer an issue in my life and I’m thankful. Even though I haven’t been doing anything exciting, I have been doing something meaningful. After a lot of introspection, I realized I’m not the same person I used to be. I know you’re thinking no one is the same they used to be, and that’s true. What I’m saying is that I’m not who I used to be and that’s a bad thing. I’m not going to go into detail but let’s just say I took a long hard look at myself and didn’t like what I saw. Everyone who’s been in that place before knows how hard that realization is.

So now I’m getting off my ass and doing something about it. I made a list of goals, all very reasonable and attainable, and have starting working towards them. For me writing things down has always been better than just thinking them. To have something tangible to read when you lose sight of your goals and to be able to check them off one by one when you reach them is very rewarding.

My first goal is a financial one. I need to save and budget more. I get up everyday and go to work so I need to see the fruits of that labor. I want to have more money saved at the end of each month. I really would like to become financially independent for my son and myself. I want the money that his father gives me every month to just be a bonus, not something I actually need. Money is starting to become an issue with us, not because he doesn’t want to provide for his son, but because sometimes he can’t. So it’s up to me to make sure that my baby’s needs are met. In budgeting and tracking my money, I can see where everything is going and make the necessary adjustments. Anyone ever have those moments of wondering how you spent so much money and have nothing to show for it? Well I was having to many of those.

I’m not going to go down the list and name all of the goals I’ve set for myself. Some of them are personal and some boring but I will mention some more of them and how I’m doing with them in later posts.

I hope everyone is having a good summer. I have so many blogs to catch up on so don’t be surprised if you see a comment from me. Take care.