Nothing much going on....

I had the flu. If you've never had the flu, then get on your knees right now and thank God. This is my first time having it, and I don't think I have ever felt worse. I've had pneumonia, laryngitis, asthma attacks......nothing compares to the flu. I don't even want to think about it anymore. Yikes!

I managed to write a little bit about my Christmas. I really haven't been up to much since then. Just trying to get well. I can't believe it's about to be 2005. This year flew by. My son is 11 months now and I just can't believe it. He's so big. I can't wait for his birthday next month. I'm going all out. I've already started planning it.

I don't think I'm doing anything this New Years. I was thinking about going to Philly to spend time with my son's father but I really don't feel like it. I might go to church, or just stay home and ring in the New Year with my son.

Flu

Damn, damn, damn!

Christmas

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas!

My whole week was hectic. Being the last minute shopper that I am, I ended up shopping all the way up until the deadline. By deadline I mean, every store was closed except for WaWa and I couldn't find anything there for gifts. I've had about 3 hours of sleep in the past 3 days, so I'm tired as hell. All bitching and moaning aside, I had a wonderful Christmas. I got pretty much everything I wanted, and my son cleaned up. I won't have to buy him anything until the summer. He got so many toys and clothes it was unreal. He still hasn't gotten everything, because he hasn't been to Philly yet to see his dad and grandparents. Of all the toys he got, he only wanted to play with Elmo. The one where he spells his name out and does the movements like he's singing Y.M.C.A. He loves that thing. I'm tired of hearing it. I wanted to pitch myself off a roof after the 300th time he played it. I spent over $700 on my son for Christmas, and the only thing he played with was a $12 Elmo doll.

Dinner was good. I burnt the rolls though. I forgot they were in the oven. I made cookies from scratch and everyone loved them. Christmas morning we all got up took showers and put our pajamas back on. That's pretty much how we stayed all day, which I loved. We usually go visiting to hand out presents to other family members which I hate cause I always want to be home with my own stuff and out of the cold. Plus it was supposed to snow. I don't even think I can communicate to you how much I hate the snow. I would rather sit on the sun, then for it to snow. So when I heard it was, I was glad we were staying in.

My Peanut's first Christmas was priceless. I got him on video and probably took 1,000 pictures. He was such a sweetheart. I also made a rule that he could eat whatever he wanted for Christmas. If he wanted some of what we were eating than so be it. That was huge for me cause I'm so anal about what he eats. He was in heaven. He ate so much it made him a little sick. But he loved it. I'll try to post some of the pictures up.

50/50

A.I.

Damn Skippy!

ABC's

All I want for Christmas is a Pea Coat
But I'll take jewelry, perfume, money, DVD's etc....
Cause I'm not picky
Damn it's cold
Everyday they have the AC on at work to keep the computers cool
Fuck the computers what about the humans?
God is Good, all the time
High heel shoes make me feel sexy
I'm an amazing woman
Just ask anyone
Keep trying my best at everything I do
Love my son with my whole heart
My son's father too, but don't tell him:)
Never let anyone get close to me before
One moment changed that
Peanut was born!
Quite cute, that Peanut
Relationships are hard for me, especially with women
So I'm working on that
Trustworthiness & loyalty are two things I look for in a man
Underwear fetish
Voracious reader
What Looks Like Crazy on an Ordinary Day is one of my favorite books
Xtreme temperatures bother me, hot or cold
Yadda, yadda, yadda
Zodiac sign is Sagittarius, is there any other?

IQ

I just took the Tickle IQ test and here are my results:

Congratulations, Meka!
Your IQ score is 139

This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others.

Your Intellectual Type is Insightful Linguist. This means you are highly intelligent and have the natural fluency of a writer and the visual and spatial strengths of an artist. Those skills contribute to your creative and expressive mind. And that's just some of what we know about you from your test results.

I took two other tests and my scores were 132 & 142. Just how accurate are these tests anyway?

I'm at work, I'm bored.....can you tell?

Monday

This weekend was uneventful. I didn't do anything except clean my house. I should have gone Christmas shopping since I only have 5 days left, and I've only bought 1 gift. I should have gone thru all my son's clothes and boxed up all the things he couldn't fit anymore, so I know what I need to buy him. I should have cooked the chicken I thawed out yesterday instead of eating an ice cream sandwich and going to bed. I should have washed my hair instead of wearing a head band and a ponytail to work today. I should have taken off the chipped nail polish on my toes, so they wouldn't be looking so bad today. I should have taken my trash around back instead of just leaving it on my porch to get later. I should have gotten up when my alarm went off at 6am instead of setting it for 6:50am, and going back to sleep. I should have been on time to work today, but wasn't because of it. I should have called out and cuddled in bed with my son instead of bundling us both up and coming out in 10 degree weather. I hate Mondays!

The horror of my first time

I didn't start having sex until I was 19. I'm a DK (deacon's kid) and I can't remember a time when my dad's eyes weren't on me. So when I went away to college, I didn't have to much experience with the opposite sex. I had a few kisses a couple of feels but that's about it. I was always in church. A lot of people say that if you are kept in the house and not allowed to do anything once you are an adult and away from your parents prying eyes and strict rules, you go buck. Well that didn't happen to me. I didn't know how to talk to boys or approach them, let alone have sex. I was shy and clumsy around them. Then I met Brian.
Brian called my room one day "by accident" looking for his cousin. He told me later that he had seen me in the caf and got my number from a mutual friend. When I answered the phone he asked for his cousin Sanai and when I told him he had the wrong number he asked me what my name was. Usually I would have said nunya, but for some reason I told him. He introduced himself to me and we ended up being on the phone for about 4 hours. That night he came to my dorm and we took a walk around campus. Damn that boy was fine. He had a quiet sexiness about him that I was instantly attracted to. Plus he was hella smart. After that day we were inseparable. We ate together, studied together and slept together. The only thing we didn't do was have sex. About 2 and a half months went by before I decided to give him some. My girls were telling me how the first time is always bad...it hurts, you're inexperienced blah blah blah. So of course I got nervous. We had arranged to go to dinner and a movie, which is no small feat on a broke college student’s budget. I told him my stomach hurt and I couldn't go and I went to bed. About two hours later I hear a knock on my door. He had snuck in my dorm to check on me to see how I was doing. We started talking and I ended up telling him the real reason I didn't want to go. We talked it over and he assured me if I wanted to wait longer we could. Isn't that the typical reverse psychology line? Well it worked.
He laid me down and massaged my scalp, and my back and everything else. I can remember that shit like it was yesterday. I was getting all comfortable and feeling confident like 'yeah I can do this, this is nothing', until he pulled it out. Ladies let me tell you, it was the biggest dick (I started to write penis, but that thing was a dick) I had ever seen in my life. Up until then I had only snuck my dad's pornos (yeah the good deacons) but nothing prepared me for this. It was huge. To this day I have never seen one that big in person. Yikes! Needless to say I was scared again. He said he would ease it in and go slow. Yeah ok. I think he tried, but he got so excited he went a little to fast. That shit hurt like hell. Excruciating. After we got in the groove it started feeling good to me. I started feeling these butterflies in the pit of my stomach and I'm thinking to myself, "this must be what an orgasm feels like, it kind of feels like I’m going to throw up." Then I kept thinking to myself how weird that thought was....until I threw up. All over the bed, all over the floor, all over him. And then he threw up from watching me throw up. It was horrible. We laugh about it now but that night we couldn’t even look at each other. Talk about embarrassing.

Sometimes I can't think of a title ok?

I just finished votingfor the All Star game. It's in Denver this time, so I guess I'll be sitting in front of the TV watching it. The East hasn't won since 01', and I'm tired of losing.

I got my biopsy reports the other day and I'm cancer free. Needless to say I'm elated. I think I'm going to take myself out to dinner tonight. Speaking of which, I was talking to my sister last night and somehow we got onto the subject of eating out. She told me she will not eat out alone, cause she feels like a loser. I eat out alone from time to time. I didn't think it was a big deal. Are people looking at me with pity when I'm eating by myself. Let me know your thoughts on that.

Last night I was talking to my son's father and he kept talking over top of me. That is one of my biggest pet peeves. Don't ask me a question and then talk over top of my answer. If you didn't want to know, why ask in the first place? I should have hung up on him. That’s one of his biggest pet peeves so we would have been even. I hate it when I think of something I should have said or done after the fact. Especially in an argument. You think of all these clever things you should have said but now it’s to late. Damn!

I have been chastised. My friend told me when people leave comments on my blog, I'm supposed to respond to their comments. He said people will come back to my blog and check to see if I responded and it's rude if I don't. I didn't know that. Sorry. I usually just go to the person's blog who commented on my blog and comment on their blog. Did that make sense? Did I not follow proper blog etiquette or is he wrong as usual:)?

Random Thoughts.....

~I've read a couple of blogs today about music (especially old school), so I'm linking to the post I wrote a little while ago. It really struck me how different the definition of old school music is for people my age.
~i need a foot massage.
~coffee makes your breath stink
~i think I'm going to call in sick tomorrow
~i wonder what Peanut is doing
~i have cramps
~i'm just typing these as they pop into my head
~isn't that called free association?
~if i keep letting this phone ring how long will the person on the other end hold?
~i usually hang up after a phone rings about 4 times
~that's cause i'm impatient
~they are still holding
~i think i'm going to bake some chicken & rice tonight
~finally they hung up
~i wonder if it was important
~the way i feel i don't give a damn
~i need some midol
~quick
~i'm tired of typing so i'm gonna publish this
~bye

Damn Skippy!

EVA DIVA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls night out

Last night I went out with a couple of my girlfriends. The thing I like about going out with these two particular girlfriends is that we don't always talk about men & sex. We talk about books, and movies, theater, and art etc.... But last night all we talked about were men & sex, which is ok too:-). Anyway, we started talking about another girlfriend of ours and how she's going thru some things in her relationship right now. My friend Rachelle was saying how it's her fault because she picks the same kind of men over and over. She said the first time her boyfriend cheated on her she should have left him, because if she stayed that sends a message to the man that he can do it again. That statement really stuck in my head well after we had moved on from the conversation.

I was curious if that statement was true. That if your man cheated on you and you didn't leave, does he see that as a sign to do it again and again. So I asked two of my male friends and Benjamin. I asked them all the same exact question. Benjamin said if he cheated on me and I stayed with him it does send the message that he can do it again. The other two said no. They would just be thankful their woman didn't leave them and would never do it again. I'm really not feeling Benjamin's answer for some reason but I don't know why. I know I would leave him if he cheated on me, so it shouldn't bother me that he said that, but it does. Let me know what you think.

It also got me to thinking about relationship patterns and what I've learned from past realtionships. Do we just pick the same type over and over or do we learn from past realtionships and choose according to those lessons? I don't know. But I did come up with a list of things I've learned from past relationships. Like to hear it? Here it goes......

·Love DOES NOT hurt.
·You can’t change anyone. People are who they are you either have to accept that or move on.
·No one has the right to treat you bad.
·What you give is what you’ll get.
·Pay attention to your mate or someone else will.
·If you’re crying all the time, chances are you aren’t in a good relationship.
·Live separately for as long as possible.
·Always let each other know how you feel, even if it hurts.
·Support your mate in what they do, but not at your expense.
·Opposites attract but people with things in common have more to talk about and will understand each other more.
·You must respect each other at all times, especially when you’re arguing.
·If you don’t love yourself you can’t love anyone else and you can’t accept love either.
·Pick your battles. Everything is not worth arguing over.
·Compromise!!!
·If someone cheats either forgive or leave but don’t question yourself or try to punish the other person.
·Don’t nag.
·Don’t let anyone make you into who they want you to be.
·Know yourself so no one can.
·People make mistakes. Forgiveness heals.
·If you keep patching things up, pretty soon all you’ll have are patches.
·Be strong, he will respect you more.
·Don’t lie, the truth will come out eventually.

Pissed off

Ok I had no intentions of ever giving my opinion on the Michael Jackson case, but I just had an argument with my friend about it and now I'm pissed on so many levels.

Why is it that some Black people stick up for other Black people just because they’re Black? That is one of the biggest pet peeves I have. She's saying everyone should stick by Michael Jackson because he is Black and the media/paparazzi, and the D.A want to crucify him. First of all the media crucifies everyone. If they can get a story they're gonna get it. Period. Second of all why don't you get the facts of the case and maybe wait a little while before you determine guilt or innocence. I love MJ don't get me wrong, but should I just automatically assume he's innocent because he sang Billie Jean? She's like “he is one of our Black heroes.” Martin Luther King was a hero, Harriet Tubman was a hero, Benjamin Banneker, George Washington Carver, Daniel Hale Williams.....all heroes. Michael Jackson? A singer. Period. Now I'm not saying he hasn't contributed, and I'm not saying he's not a part of Black history. The man is a musical genius. He writes and produces all of his songs. That takes talent and hard work. I will give credit where credit is due. But that still doesn't make him innocent.

Another point came up that pissed me off. "They were all little White boys, if they were little Black boys no one would care". First of all wrong again. They would care, cause it's Michael Jackson. This case is not about Black or White, it's about fame. A famous person is being accused of a horrible crime. That's gonna be on the news, in the tabloids, on the radio. Secondly, what does it matter what color they are. THEY ARE LITTLE BOYS! WTF? Maybe he just prefers little White boys. Maybe that's who he has access to. Most Black parents are not going to let their child stay at Michael Jackson’s house. If I asked my mom she would flip out. I can hear her now: "Why the hell do you want to stay over a grown ass man's house? We don't know him. I don't care if he did sing "Bad". Carry your ass upstairs and do some "Bad" homework." And anyway wasn't one of those boys Hispanic?

If their allegations are true, that means Michael Jackson, raped little boys. If he did then he should be buried under the jail cause he's a pedophile. Fuck therapy, fuck rehabilitation, send his ass to prison and he can sing Man in the Mirror on cellblock C. I mean you have to admit, he has some kind of weird fascination with little boys. He's always taking them under his wing and next thing you know they are on TV dressed up in mini versions of his little outfits riding the rides at Neverland ranch. Remember that little boy from Home Alone, and Corey Feldman? If he was smart he wouldn’t have had children as overnight guests. I understand you are trying to recapture your childhood, but why do you need kids staying overnight. Invite them over to play in the daytime and then send them home to their parents. Why does he have kids that aren't related to him staying the night IN HIS BED? He had already been charged with molesting a child, settled out of court, and then he's going to turn right around and have another little boy over? What sense does that make? To me that screams stupid. Then she wants to say “the parents just want money.” Maybe they do. Does that mean he's not guilty? No.

It's the same thing with R. Kelly. I don't know if anyone remembers this, but a long time ago R. Kelly and Aaliyah (R.I.P) were on Video Soul w/ Donnie Simpson. She must of been about 14 or 15 at the time. They had on matching Mickey Mouse sweatshirts, had just come back from Disneyland, and R. Kelly was sitting up there saying Aaliyah was his best friend. Donnie looked at him like he was crazy. I know he was thinking what I was: what the hell is a grown ass man doing with a 15 yr old girl as a best friend? That interview always stuck in my mind for some reason. I knew then that something wasn’t right. Even their body language was a little to intimate. Sure enough a couple of years later we hear all this stuff about Aaliyah and R. getting married, and a few years after that the tape emerges. But everyone wants to defend him cause he sang 12 Play. Give me a break.

Now I'm not saying that R. Kelly & MJ are guilty (although I think they are) and everyone has the right to their own opinion. It just seems to me that standing up for someone just because they share your same skin color is wrong.

Shopping

I have not done any Christmas shopping. Every year I say I'm not going to be in the stores last minute and every year I am. I hate to shop. I hate it with a passion. And not just for other people, but I don't like shopping for myself either. Unless it's shoes. I can stay in a shoe store for hours. But when it comes to clothes, I'm at a loss. When I go shopping for myself I don't try on clothes, I just buy what I like in my size and go. The problem with that is clothes never fit me right. Pants in particular. Because I'm short if the pants I like don’t come in petite they are too long, and then I have to take them back. You'd think I would learn my lesson and just try on the damn pants, but I never do.

So now that it's Christmas and I have to shop for everyone I'm freaking out. I don't know what to get people. Usually my family makes Christmas lists and I just buy stuff right off the list. This year it was everyone's (except for mine of course) bright idea to scrap the lists and just be creative. Yeah for me! I get to try to figure out what to get everyone for Christmas. The only person I'm excited to shop for is my baby boy. This will be his first Christmas. I already have the Santa hat and the outfit and all the accessories that say My First Christmas on them. I can't wait. Other than that, I'm not looking forward to shopping.

Favorite Quotes, Random Thoughts.....

"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation. From the desperate city you go into the desperate country, and have to console yourself with the bravery of minks and muskrats. A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind. There is no play in them for this comes after work. But it is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things."
-- Henry David Thoreau

At the core of every woman there is a ferocious aspect of her personality that will stand up and take on whatever difficulty the woman faces. I call that aspect “the bitch”. “The bitch” will stand up when you believe you cannot stand up for yourself.
~Iyanla

Choose silence of all virtues, for by it you hear other men's imperfections, and conceal your own.
-George Bernard Shaw

No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says: He is always convinced that it says what he means.
-George Bernard Shaw

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it.
-George Bernard Shaw

"Love is a symbol of eternity. It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end."
-Author Unknown

Not much to say, so.....

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Meka
2. MeMe
3. Freaka
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. good_girl
2. miss_meka
3. peanutsmommy
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My intelligence
2. My pride
3. My heart
THREE THINGS YOU DISLIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My height
2. My hair
3. I’m indecisive
PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. African-American
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Failure
2. Mediocracy
3. Bugs/Death
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. My baby boy
2. Coco Butter
3. TV/Music
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. A Black skirt
2. Heels
3. Benjamin’s class ring
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS (or artists):
1. Earth Wind & Fire
2. Atlantic Star
3. Maxwell
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS:
1. Between the Sheets – Isley Brothers
2. Ladies First – Queen Latifah
3. How Bout’ Us - Shalimar
THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS
1. Replenishing my savings
2. Learn a second Language
3. Piano lessons
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
1. Respect
2. Loyalty
3. Romance/Sex
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. I love my son
2. I'm a good person
3. I have patience
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX (or same) THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Strong legs/arms
2. Nice eyes
3. Soft lips
THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN’T DO:
1. Be mean
2. Show weakness
3. Tolerate ignorance
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Writing
2. Reading
3. Shoe shopping
THREE THINGS YOU REALLY WANT TO DO RIGHT NOW:
1. Have sex
2. leave work
3. eat ice cream
THREE CAREER FIELDS YOU’RE CONSIDERING:
1. Human Resources
2. Law
3. Social Work
THREE VACATION SPOTS:
1. Hawaii
2. Jamaica
3. Rome
THREE KID’S NAMES:
1. Isabella
2. Brooklyn
3. Xavier
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Heal my relationships
2. Write a book
3. Buy my mom a house

I'm 29.....Yikes!

I'm officially 29. When did that happen? It seems like just yesterday I was 21. Next year I will be 30 years old. It's not like I feel old or even think 29 is old, it's just hard to believe I'm 29. We were watching The Cosby Show the other night and my sister commented on how this show came out about 20 years ago. WTF? That was 20 years ago? Where does the time go? I took a lot of things for granted when I was younger. Now I have to prepare for the future. Before I was just living life. I mean I saved money, but not like I should have. Now I have worry about what I'm gonna leave behind if something should happen to me. I have to make sure my son will be taken care of. Yikes!

Anyway...here is a recap of my weekend

We got to Philly around 11pm Friday night. We went to his house and I fell asleep almost immediately. I was so tired. Saturday he went to work and I slept in, which I never get to do, so it was wonderful. His mom watched the baby so we could go out when he got off work. We walked around Center City holding hands, and went to the Parkway and ate at my favorite restaurant, then went to see Oceans 12. It was romantic. I had a wonderful time. He gave me the Seinfeld seasons 1, 2 & 3 boxed set. That was #1 on my birthday list. Usually when I go up there we just spend time at home with the baby since he doesn't see him often. We usually order a pizza and watch movies. It was like our first date all over again. Of course I got some too. Damn I feel like a new woman. It doesn't take a lot to please me but one thing that I like to have is a healthy sex life. Right now I don't have that so I'm not always the happiest camper. I came back early Sunday and did the family birthday thing. It was fun. So now it's Monday and I'm back to work. Yuck!

My little monster

Am I cute or what?

My son is a little monster. He will not sit still for anything. I mean I know he's curious, there are a lot of things he's never seen before. So whenever he sees something of course he has to investigate. No problem right? Wrong! I can't dress him, feed him, bathe him, without him trying to get away from me to go exploring. I try to keep him on a schedule and try to have a routine in the morning. I get up at six, make his bottles for the day, pack his diaper bag, take a shower, get dressed, then wake him up and start getting him ready. It usually works unless he gets up before I wake him up. Then it’s chaos. He wants to get out of the crib and if I don't get him out he tries to climb out. He's not even walking yet. So to prevent a trip to the e.r. I take him out and put him in his walker. Now he wants to open the fridge and throw stuff on the floor or he wants to go in the bathroom and stick his hands in the toilet. A couple of weeks ago, I walked in the bedroom to get dressed. I kept smelling vinegar but I couldn't figure out where it was coming from. It didn't dawn on me to look at him cause where would my 10 month old son get vinegar from? So I finish getting dressed and go to pick him up to get him ready and he smells like vinegar. This boy had gotten into the fridge, picked up the vinegar bottle, somehow gotten the top off, and vinegar was all over him and the floor. I still don't know to this day how he did it. But if he can do all that and he's only crawling, imagine what he can do when he starts walking. I'm a little scared:) And the bad thing is I can't even chastise him cause he gives me this mischievous grin that just cracks me up.

The boy has no fear. Well he has some fear which was evident when he saw a dog for the first time. I was at a girlfriend's house and her dog came out of the room. I would have paid good money to have a camera right then. I have never heard him scream that loud. He almost scratched my skin off trying to get away. It was so funny. The next time we went over there I expected the same, but he got down on the floor and played with the dog. He tried to stick his fingers in the dog's eyes and everything. I had to stop him cause' he was being to rough. He's crazy!

It's so amazing watching my child grow. I mean 8 months ago, he couldn't even sit up. Now he's into everything. But sometimes I miss my little boy, the one I cuddled at night and sang to. Now he won't sit still long enough for me to hold him. He is so independent. It makes me proud and sad at the same time.

Mouse Tales

Last night I went home for the first time since I saw the mouse. I had one of my friends lay down traps the other night, and he came over to check them. Low and behold, we got him. I'm so happy. So last night I spent the whole night bleaching everything. My floors, my walls, my cabinets, refrigerator, vacuumed my carpets, washed all the dishes with bleach and dish soap. I wanted to disinfect anywhere that mouse even thought of going. It took me six hours. I was exhausted. As the night wore on I kept thinking 'what if there was a whole family of them and I just killed momma mouse'. What if the rest of the family were gonna take revenge on me and my baby while we were sleeping. These irrational thoughts kept circling thru my head until I drove myself crazy. Needless to say I stayed at my girlfriends house again.

I also went to get my hair done. I don't usually spend a lot of time or money on getting my hair done I just do it myself. But my birthday is Sunday, so I treated myself. Now I wish I hadn't cause' I don't like it. I'm a simple girl who likes simple things. The only time that doesn't apply is when I go shoe shopping but that's another story. I don't want to have to wake up in the morning an extra 30 minutes to try to fix some complicated hairstyle. I usually try to brush my hair into a ponytail or bun while trying to wrestle clothes onto my son. So now I'm stuck with this hairstyle that I have no idea how to maintain even if I had the time to.

If you've been reading my blog, you know that my birthday is Sunday the 12th. You should also know that the one thing I want for my birthday is to get laid (my sister says that phrase isn't lady-like. Sorry). I didn't think it was going to happen because my son's father has to work, but somehow he managed to get off. He's a manager in a department store, it's the holiday season, so it was pretty hard to do. So tonight my son and I are Philly bound. We are going out to dinner and a movie on Saturday, and then Sunday gonna see the Sixers thrash the Bucks. Bill Cosby and the Fat Albert gang are gonna be there and they're handing out Fat Albert Bobblehead Dolls. They're only giving out 5,000 of them so it's a possibility I won't get one. So if anyone out there happens to get their hands on one that they don't want I'll be happy to take that for you:)

Philadelphia......what can I say about it. I love that city! I love the smell, the sound, the feel. I don't know what it is , but the minute I get there I get excited. It's been that way since I was a little girl. I have a love affair with that city that will never end.

I've noticed that people are starting to read my blog and leave comments. I would like to say thank you. I really appreciate that you took the time out. I think it takes courage to put your thoughts and feelings out there for everyone to see, so I try to leave a comment on everyone's blog I read so they know I was there and read what they have to say. Did anyone participate in nanowrimo? Let me know and I will check it out.

Good Men

I want to take the time out to say thank you to my son's father. He is so good to me and our son, that I thought it was due. He has always been there for me and our baby and I know I can always count on him no matter what. We are raising our son together even though we are apart and that's very hard to do. I know my son and I are blessed to have him and I know a lot of women who aren't so lucky which is sad. He has never disrespected me in any way, and has never been dishonest with me. When I ask him for something for our child, he will move heaven and earth to get it, and if he can't then he's upfront about it. I respect that.

My friends have told me horror stories about having to take their children's father to court, about them ducking phone calls....the works. I am so grateful I don't have to go thru that. The only reason I call myself a single mother is because we aren't married. In every other aspect it's me and him all the way. We talk pretty much every day, he always wants to know how his son is doing. Because we live in two different states he misses out on a lot so pretty much every night I give him a recap on our son's day or any new developmental milestones. When we do see him they play and wrestle and laugh at each other. Their bond is so special.

A long time ago I picked men who were bad for me. Liars, cheaters, emotionally withholding, verbally abusive. It didn't take me long to get over being treated badly and look for someone who was good for me and good to me. Along the way I've met some really good men. Some became lovers, some became friends. (I didn't mean for that to rhyme but it was nice right?:) I'm glad he was the one I had my baby with.

He's funny and goofy, strong and kind. He has a good heart and really cares about people. I can talk to him about anything with out being judged and I can be myself around him. I can walk around in bloomers, with my hair looking a mess, and he doesn't give a damn. He has held me when I was sick, encouraged me when I was down, got on my ass when I was being selfish or stubborn. There are times when he gets on my last nerves (especially when he thinks he's always right) but he always means well. He's my best friend and I thank God for him.

To all the men out there who aren't being a father to their children, you're missing out on so much. And to those who are, you're making the world a better place for every child whose life you touch.

I love you Benjamin

Find 100 Ways

1. i have a son named Peanut
2. really Benjamin
3. he's 10 months
4. smiley and sweet
5. fathers name is Benjamin too
6. we love him
7. trying to raise him together but apart
8. that's so hard it makes me cry
9. we both love our son so it will be ok
10. being a single parent is hard
11. so is life but i'm a survivor
12. speaking of which i have 3 tattoos
13. meka, terrill, survivor
14. terrill was my best friend
15. he passed away
16. i miss him
17. ready to get my fourth
18. gonna be my sons name
19. i'll be 29 in 3 days
20. birthday is december 12th
21. that makes me a sagittarius
22. whatever that means
23. i love to write
24. hence the blog
25. i try to be optimistic
26. sometimes i'm not
27. i always wanted to change the world
28. so far i've only made a dent
29. but i will
30. i love to read
31. no one does anymore
32. i love my job
33. but not the people i work with
34. i have a habit of letting my friendships go
35. i'm trying to break it
36. my son is amazing
37. he makes me happy
38. it's surreal being a mother
39. i sing in the shower
40. but no where else
41. probably cause' i can't
42. gerbera daisies & tulips are my favorite flowers
43. favorite book is "The Prince of Tides"
44. the movie didn't do it justice
45. i'm short
46. which i hate
47. so i wear high heel shoes
48. i love shoes
49. i'm a case manager
50. who's addicted to Pepsi
51. i'm trying to wean myself off it
52. i go to church
53. not as often as i should
54. i have 3 brothers and 2 sisters
55. 7 nieces and nephews
56. they are all growing up so fast
57. makes me feel old
58. my major in college was pre-law/political science
59. but i don't want to be a lawyer
60. i like social work
61. i love to cook
62. everyone loves my food
63. my specialty is steak and twice baked potato
64. and punchbowl cake
65. which is exactly what it sounds like
66. i am a very sexual person
67. love orgasms
68. but who doesn't
69. i've been told im funny
70. sometimes people tell you any old thing
71. so who knows
72. i love green tea perfume by elizabeth arden
73. i always eat watermelon jolly ranchers
74. i try to always take a bubble bath on sundays
75. they relax me
76. i read at least two books a week
76. right now it's the bluest eye & pimp
77. im a reality tv junky
78. and not ashamed to admit it
79. ok maybe a little bit
80. i love God
81. i guess that shouldn't be #80 on the list
82. but he knows my heart
83. my favorite songs are nasty girl by vanity, how bout' us by shalimar, do me baby by melissa morgan, kissing you by desiree, flying without wings by ruben studdard, love's holiday by ew&f, new world water by mos def, buddy by de la soul, ladies first by queen latifah
84. i can go on and on
85. cause i love music
86. i don't think im gonna have any more babies
87. peanut can play with his cousins
88. usually only children wish they had siblings
89. and vice versa
90. i don't think many people read my blog
91. i wonder if that means it's not interesting
92. 8 more to go
93. i love holidays
94. especially easter
95. isn't lever 2000 the best soap
96. i am a published writer
98. i used to do spoken word
99. i love writing letters instead of emailing
100. if you read all 99 thank you for taking the time out.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Our system is down at work, so that means for the past two and a half hours I've been doing absolutely nothing. I'm so bored I don't know what to do...........

Last night I stayed at my girlfriend’s house again. You ever notice when you stay over someone’s house, how weird their habits are and in turn how weird yours are too? For example, she puts cereal and bread in the fridge. I was like wtf? Plus she turns up the heat to like 150 degrees. My son and I baked all night. I'm starting to think maybe a mouse in the house is better than waking up wet & sweaty. But I do have such a good time when we I stay over there. Like a grown-up slumber party.

My mom is getting old. Her birthday is Dec. 2nd and while we were sitting there at the table I just realized she's getting old. I mean I knew it, but I didn't know it. If you know what I mean. It's so hard to watch your parents get old. I just want to protect her. From getting sick, or getting hurt or from any harm. That feeling just overwhelmed me. I wonder if my son will feel the same way about me one day.

I have three long hairs growing out of my chin. They sprouted when I was pregnant. My Dr. said that was natural. Well I'm not pregnant anymore so why are they still here? Come to think of it she said a lot of symptoms I had while I was pregnant were "natural". That’s a crock of shit. Pregnancy is the most unnatural thing I have ever experienced. How could something so horrible produce something so wonderful? I guess I can’t complain though, my pregnancy didn't get bad until the 7th month. You won't believe why.......

Last year I kept feeling these "twinges" followed by pain in the bottom of my belly. I went to my Dr. and was diagnosed with a bladder infection, and prescribed antibiotics. I took them but it didn't seem to get any better so I just dealt with it. About three weeks after that the pain was becoming unbearable. I have a very high pain threshold but this was crazy. Not only was there pain, I couldn't stop going to the bathroom. I was peeing like every 20 minutes or so. So I went back. He said it still sounded like a bladder infection and prescribed me a stronger antibiotic. So I took it but the pain and the peeing got increasingly worse. Finally after about three more weeks of that shit I went back and told him I couldn't take it anymore. He pushed on my stomach to try to locate where the majority of the pain was coming from and I told him the pain was now in my lower left side. So he decided to send me to the hospital for a stat. pelvic ultrasound. I went directly from his office to the hospital, and got the ultrasound done. While I'm laying on the table and the ultrasound tech. is looking on the screen she says "oh my God". So I'm freaking out and asking her what’s going on but of course she can’t say anything until a Dr. looks at it. Now I'm thinking I have cancer or something. I go home and wait for a call to hear my results. The nurse at my doctors office calls and asks me if I'm sitting down. I say "yes I am", and she proceeds to tell me that I’m pregnant. About 13 weeks pregnant to be exact. Needless to say I was shocked as hell. Then the happiness took over. I really wanted a baby so I was ecstatic. The next day I went to work and called my mom and my sister and told them. They were so happy and excited for me and our family. Around 10 the same nurse from my doctors office calls me at work and asks me again "am I sitting down". I say yes and she proceeds to tell me that I need to schedule an appointment with an OBGYN as soon as I can because I am not 13 weeks I am 27 weeks which for those of you who didn’t figure it out right away is 6 months and 3 weeks pregnant. So that’s how I found out about my little Peanut. Crazy right?

Rainy

I feel just like the weather today......Rainy. I woke up this morning and didn't want to get out of bed. I have this feeling that something bad is about to happen. I'm trying to ignore it.

I talked to my son's father a little last night. I think we are turning into "just friends". A little while a go that revelation would have devastated my heart but something has shifted, and I'm ok. It feels really good to say that. I'm ok. I still love him, and I still want us to be a family, but if that doesn't happen it won't be the end all be all that I thought it would be.

I'm about to tell a gross story so if you have a weak stomach skip this part (assuming anyone ever reads this blog)

Last night my son woke up around 3am. He stood up leaned over my back and took the biggest shit I have ever seen. It was all over the place. On the sheets, in his sleeper, up his back, down his legs. I didn't know what the hell was going on. So I had to get up clean him up, clean the bed up and try to get him back to sleep. Needless to say, I knew today was gonna be a shitty day.

I have a mouse. I don't know how I got a mouse because my house is immaculate. You could eat on the floors. The only mess that I don't stay on is my son's playroom. And by "playroom" I mean his bedroom because his crib is in my room. His toys are all over the floor but I don't have a toy box yet. He's only 10 months so I didn't think I would need one yet. But you would be surprised at the amount of toys he has accumulated in his short life. Back to the mouse. I was sitting on my bed last Thursday and I saw something out the corner of my eye move. I really didn't pay attention to it. I got up to go to the kitchen and there it was by the trash can. I haven't been back to my house since. Thursday-Sunday we stayed at my mom's house, and Monday I stayed at my girlfriends house. So tonight I finally got one of my male friends to come lay traps down, but I'm not staying in that house until I see a dead mouse in the trap. I may have to move. We shall see.

My son is outgrowing all of his clothes at an alarming rate. Like I said he's on the new side of 10 months but he's already wearing 18 month clothes. He's not fat, he's just long as hell. I'm only 5'1, but I still didn't expect my 10 month old son, to come past my knees when he stands up. His feet and hands are huge. When I took him for his last check up the Dr. actually called in another Dr. and a nurse to look at them cause' they couldn't believe it. They told me to be prepared cause he's gonna be a big one. I'm a little worried about that.

Work sucks. I don't like a lot of the people here. I love my job and I know I'm blessed to be able to say that. Some people can't. But they are seriously working a nerve.

Still haven't gotten laid. I'm not to happy about that. I can't even talk about it, it hurts to much. Fuck, Fuck, Fuck

Women & Sports

The 76ers game

I love basketball. I mean love, love, love basketball. I've been a Sixers fan since I was 7 years old. I've been to countless games, and even had season tickets at one point. So given all of that, why is it so impossible for people to believe that a woman can genuinely love sports. Every time I tell someone that I love basketball, I get one of two reactions. Either I get quizzed on players, stats, team history (which I know a shitload about so don't try me) or they imply that I go to games to get men or impress a boyfriend. That really pisses me off. It is possible for a woman to like sports, just like it is possible for a man to dislike sports. Every summer when I was a little girl my Pop-Pop would take me to games when I stayed with my grandparents in Philly, and I developed a love for the game. Philly fans are like no other, and the atmosphere was unbelievable. I cherish those memories, and when my son is old enough, I intend to do the same with him.

Damn Skippy!

Sagittarius

The Element associated with Sagittarius is Fire. Just as fire can move quickly and uncontrollably, so can Sagittarians.

Happy Birthday to all my fellow Sagittarian's.

Happy Birthday Mom, Ryan, Gloria, Eric, JP, Gabby.

I'm practically a virgin again

I haven't had sex since October 23rd . I've gotten to the point where masturbating doesn't get me off. I'm pass that point. I need skin to skin contact. I need to feel hands on me. I can't remember the last time I didn't have sex on my birthday. I've always been in a relationship during that time so it was never an issue. My birthday is Sunday the 12th and my son's father will be working all weekend. It looks like it's not gonna happen. Fuck, fuck, fuck.....

I've Got the Music in Me

Yesterday, I had to get up early and go to the hospital to get my biopsy done so I put on some Earth Wind & Fire to calm my nerves. I've loved music since I was a child. I remember sitting at the top of the basement steps listening to the music coming from my mom's house parties. Smokey Robinson & the Miracles, Harold Melvin & the Bluenotes, The Shirelles, Little Anthony & the Imperials...Remember Freddie Jacksons Rock Me Tonight? Earth Wind & Fires After the Love is Gone? Remember Shalimar?

Some people are made for each other,
Some people can love one another for life
How about us
Some people can hold it together
Last through all kind of weather
Can we?

Remember when songs were about love. About making relationships work? I'm only 28 but I can appreciate that shit. I cannot stand music today. Bling, Cristal, cars, guns, gold teeth.....I can't relate. I don't have any of that. Don't want it. I work a regular 9 to 5, pick my son up from day care, go home and cook dinner. I can't relate to songs like Money Aint A Thang. Shit my cell phone just got turned off. I can relate to those feelings of falling in love. Loving and wanting that man so bad you can taste it. I can't relate to letting a man "tap that ass". I can relate to being made love to until I'm so sweaty our bodies make that sucking sound. I can relate to being held and kissed. I can relate to my man's fingers in my hair, on my back, between my thighs. I want to hear Between the Sheets, Fire & Desire, I want to hear

Would you mind if I touch,
if I kiss, if I held you tight
in the morning light
Would you mind if I said how I felt tenderly tonight
again cause

I never ever felt this way in my heart before
Love has a holiday in my heart tonight

Would you mind if I looked
into your eyes till I'm hypnotized
and I lose my pride
Would you mind if I make love to you till I'm satisfied
again cause

I never ever felt this way in my heart before
Love has a holiday in my heart tonight

I grew up with a love of music that is so deep. I have a song or a record (that's right I have records) for every mood I'm in. I can just listen to a song and it will trigger in my mind a smell, a memory, a feeling, a time. Some songs are etched so deep, I can tell you where I was when I first heard it, who I was with, and what I had on. Music is so powerful. I know this will sound crazy but it's almost as if there is a soundtrack to my life. If I play it you can almost feel my experiences and understand the things that shaped me into who I am today.

Thank you Jill Scott, D'Angelo, Eryka Badu, Musiq Soulchild for trying to bring it back. I miss turning on the radio and hearing a song I can jam to, or a song I can play while my son is in the back seat. I long for those beautiful lyrics about love, life, and relationships..family and friends. I long for those times when Queen Latifah let us know it was Ladies First, when EW&F gave us Reasons, when the Isley Brothers let us know what was going down Between the Sheets, when KRS-1's Bridge was Over, when Rakim Knew we Had Soul. Maybe if we can get back to where we started the world would be a better place.

Updates.....

I haven't posted in a while because of health issues. I had to have a biopsy yesterday, hopefully all will go well.

What have you missed? Not to much.

Thanksgiving was wonderful as usual. My family always does big things on the holidays. We had about 20 people in the house. The only problem is there are never any leftovers when it's that many people. My son had his first Thanksgiving. Usually I'm kind of strict about what he eats but I made an exception. He ate what everyone else ate, I even gave him a little taste of sweet potato pie. He loved being around all the kids that came over. He's such a good baby.

I am really starting to not like going to work everyday. Which pisses me off because I love my job, just not the people. I usually don't let others get to me, but it's kind of hard when you have to be around them 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. I can't wait until I go on vacation. I'm about to go postal.

Damn Cowlick!

Damn Cowlick!

Shout out to my Daddy's Team

E-A-G-L-E-S!!!!!!!